(no subject)
Title: Little Earthquakes
Pairing: Mark/Addison.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: "No mother should have to bury her child." Holy Emo, Batman.
Word Count: 6,380
Author’s Note: I cried writing part of this. I apologize if it causes the same reaction for you while reading.
Technical Note: There would have been some legitimate medical terminology if my internet worked faster than a leisurely stroll. Work with it.
Mark didn’t notice Addison leaning on the doorframe to their youngest daughter’s room with a wide smile. But three year-old Susan noticed and made the tough decision to tear her attention away from her father’s bedtime story to wave at her mother.
“Don’t stop on my part, it’s a good story,” Addison said softly when Mark stopped in the middle of a princess versus ogre fight scene. She stepped inside and kissed Susan goodnight again. “See you downstairs,” she told Mark before she left. She knew he got stage fright whenever he knew she was listening to his stories so left him alone in peace.
Audrey, eight years old and very much mimicking her mother at that age (though, to Addison’s secret chagrin, she wore it better), eagerly handed Addison a book from the side table when she came back downstairs. “It’s so much better when you read it,” the girl explained with a smile and pushed her glasses up her nose. She gave Addison her glasses when her mother held out her hand and Addison quickly tightened the screws and handed them back. “Thanks.”
“Aud, how many books are you reading right now?” Addison tucked herself into a corner of the couch and flipped open to where they had left off.
The girl visibly thought and tucked her brownish red hair behind her ear. “Five,” she said hesitantly and then nudged her mother to get on with it.
Addison smiled and let her daughter curl into her arms before she started.
“Alright, you,” Addison said after she finished a chapter and a half and Audrey yawned twice in the span of five minutes. “Bedtime.” She closed the book and set it back on the table.
Audrey pouted but knew it was useless to whine. When Addison closed whatever book they were reading, she knew they were done for the time being. She slid off the couch and out of her mother’s arms and kept pouting anyway, just in case.
Addison laughed and kissed her forehead. “Nice try. Upstairs, kiddo.” She hugged and kissed her goodnight. “Lights out in half an hour,” she added when Audrey grabbed a book on her way up. She smiled as she watched Mark catch her on her way up the stairs and gave her a hug and kiss goodnight too.
“You know,” he slid onto the couch next to Addison and wrapped his arm around her after he turned out a few lights, “you read really well.” He laughed at the look she gave him. “That came out wrong.”
“Yes it did,” she teased.
“You have a good voice for it, is what I meant.” He kissed her cheek. “Suzie is refusing to accept and they lived happily ever after as a proper story ending now. She says it’s boring.”
She turned and looked at him. “What did you use?”
“To be continued.”
Addison blinked. “You are lame, Mark Sloan. Lame.”
Mark grinned and played with the ring on her finger. “You married me, Addison Montgomery.” He dropped the hyphen for emphasis.
She smiled softly. “Yeah, I did.”
--
Addison blinked awake at the soft touch on her arm. Susan looked at her with sad deep blue eyes and clutched her teddy bear.
“My head hurts.” She whispered in a small voice.
“Come on up.” Addison helped her into bed and let the girl crawl over her to be in between her parents. She turned and tucked a concerned arm around her daughter and Susan cuddled into her. Mark halfway woke up and looked at Addison who mouthed headache at him and he nodded and almost immediately fell back asleep.
--
“She’s had a headache for a week and a half.” Addison spit out her toothpaste and shot a concerned look at Mark in the mirror.
He nodded slowly and, for that moment, hated being a doctor.
--
Addison curled up in a ball in Mark’s arms and just cried. “It’s not fair,” she repeated over and over again. “She’s three.” She gripped his shirt tightly in her hands and shook as he held her. “I’m her mother and I can’t do anything to help her.”
“Yes, you can,” he whispered and brushed a comforting kiss across her temple. “Yes we can.”
She sniffled and looked up at him. “What?”
“Call Derek.”
She nodded and thought about it and knew that Mark was right. They hadn’t spoken since the divorce but she knew he wouldn’t refuse. “Okay.”
Mark left her alone after she calmed down and composed herself to make the phone call.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Derek. It’s Addison.”
He couldn’t help but smile at hearing her familiar voice, but noticed that something wasn’t quite right about it. “What’s wrong?”
She bit her lip and took a shaky breath. “I don’t really know how to ask this, but I need you to perform brain surgery on my daughter.”
Derek blinked and walked into the other room away from Meredith. “Tell me.” His heart broke for his ex-wife as she gave him all the details and was amazed at how well she kept it together while she talked to him. It would be tricky, but he’d done it before. “I’ll fly out tomorrow.”
“Thank you, Derek.”
He heard the smile of gratitude. “You’re welcome, Addison.” He hung up and then slumped against the wall.
“What was that?” Meredith came up, slightly concerned.
He opened his eyes. “Addison’s three year-old daughter needs sixteen hours worth of brain surgery.”
--
Addison picked him up at the airport and he insisted that she drive him straight to the hospital so he could look at her himself immediately. Derek hugged her tightly when he came to her at the top of the escalators, in greeting and comfort.
“You look good for shoving two kids out of you,” he joked and took a smack on the arm with a smile.
“You look good for living in a trailer with no heating,” she teased back, hoping that the smirking could continue and not drop off and talking become too awkward.
“Hey. There’s a house.”
“Does it have central heating?”
He ignored that. “Susan?”
“Yeah. We kinda shortened it to Suzie, though.” She looked sideways at him in the car. “Montgomery-Sloan. There is no alliteration going on.”
“And the other one’s Audrey?”
“Yep.”
Derek smiled at her obvious love for her girls. “Tell me about them,” he asked, knowing that Addison needed a distraction from everything that was going on around her.
--
Derek talked to Mark for a few minutes when they got to the hospital and smiled, proud of him for finally settling down - even if it was with his wife. He then set to work at looking at her chart, flipping through and finding everything he needed to know. He looked up at the two of them.
“I can do it. And, Addison, don’t ask if I’m sure, you know that there are no guarantees in surgery.” He left off especially with people her age. “Can I talk to her?”
“Yeah, of course,” Mark nodded and went into her room where Audrey was coloring with her younger sister. “Hey, Aud, can you…”
“I am not waiting outside,” she said firmly. “She’s my sister; I want to know what’s going on.”
Derek stifled a laugh and looked up at Addison from the chair he pulled over to the bed. “Takes after you.”
--
“She’s stable,” Derek told them later. “I’ve booked an OR for the day after tomorrow, ah,” he held up a hand to silence Addison. “She’s stable. And I think you want me to work off the jetlag before I pick up a scalpel on your daughter. It’s okay to wait a couple days on this.”
Mark checked his pager and swore. “Plastics should never have to be emergency.” He kissed Addison on the cheek. “I’ll see you at home. Derek,” his eyes spoke volumes of gratitude, “thank you.”
She watched him head down the hallway until he turned the corner. Her eyes dropped to the ground and she hugged herself protectively. She looked up suddenly as she felt Derek’s hand on her arm and realized that he had been softly saying her name. “Oh, sorry. Yeah, I’m fine.”
“No you’re not.”
“Where are you staying?” Addison asked, covertly telling him to drop it.
“I actually hadn’t gotten that far.”
“Stay with us. We have a guest room and the bed’s actually not bad. I mean, there’s no complimentary individually-wrapped bars of soap, but.”
Derek laughed and nodded. “Thank you.”
--
Mark called and said not to wait dinner, there was a complication with the surgery and he would be later, but to please save him some.
“I hate leaving her at night,” Addison admitted.
Derek nodded and understood, having seen parents go through the same guilt for years, and started chopping up the vegetables on the cutting board she pushed his way. “It’s better for you, though. You physically feel better.”
“I know,” she made a face and dumped some sliced off chicken fat into a plastic zip-lock bag, “I still feel bad.”
“Addison,” he said softly and waited until she turned to look at him. “Thank you for calling me. That means a lot.”
She smiled quietly. “Thank you for coming out. You’re the only one I’d trust with my kid.”
“How long have you known?” He slid the cutting board to the edge of the counter for her to take when she needed it.
“Couple weeks. She slept with us for a week and a half because her head hurt and then we finally took her in.” Addison blinked back a few tears as she washed her hands. “God, I’ve had headaches that last a week and a half and I don’t think anything of it. I mean, I whine about it, but...”
“Addie, you get migraines. You don’t whine, you bitch.” He said it with hopes that it would make her laugh and it did.
She smiled at him. “I don’t bitch, I eloquently complain.”
“No, you bitch.” Audrey’s voice piped up, appearing almost out of nowhere in the way that eight year-olds do.
Addison looked down at her. “You are eight years old, watch your language.” She tried look stern and motherly but Derek was laughing and saying that if even the kid agrees and she couldn’t hold it for very long. “Go, set the table, be productive,” she said through a laugh. When Audrey just looked at her, Addison raised her eyebrow. “I am not your father. Looking cute won’t do you any good.” She smiled softly at her daughter’s pout. “Please?”
Derek buried his head in his arms against the counter to keep from laughing out loud. “Oh, she takes after you.”
Addison sent Audrey to bed after dinner and sat down with Derek to talk and catch up and, at least momentarily, forget that in thirty-six hours he would be standing in front of her daughter’s open brain.
“You have really cute kids, Addie.”
She smiled crookedly. “Thank you, Derek.” She gazed at a picture of the four of them on the end table. “There’s actually a third on the way. Twelve weeks.”
“I wondered why you didn’t have any wine with dinner. Congratulations.”
“Thank you.” She took a sip of water. “You and Meredith ever think about it?”
“We’ve talked.” He laughed a little. “She had kind of a screwed up childhood and she’s not really sure how good she’d be at it. Didn’t have a good example, that kind of thing.”
Addison covered her hand with his, detecting the sadness in his voice. “I’m sorry, Derek.”
He nodded, knowing what she was apologizing for. “Thank you, Addison. But it’s okay, you weren’t ready.”
“Still.”
--
“It’s a beautiful day to save lives. Let’s have some fun.” Derek smiled behind his facemask and did everything he could to forget that it was the daughter of his two best friends whose skull flap he was about to open.
--
The upside to surgeon parents, the intern who drew the short straw thought as he walked out to give Addison and Mark an update, is that they didn’t need everything spelled out to them.
The downside, he thought as they stood up, is that they understood what the word “complications” can mean and asked for explanation.
He liked Addison and Mark; he had worked with both of them and thought they were phenomenal surgeons and even better people. The news wasn’t good, but it wasn’t necessarily bad, so he told them as best he could (and as composed as he could) what was going on and gave Addison a hug and jogged back to scrub in again.
--
“This ceiling is really boring,” Addison said to no one in particular. She had given up on chairs and, since it was getting on to late at night, she figured it was okay to stretch her back and lay on the floor with a sweater as a pillow. She heard a squeak of sneakers on the floor and turned her head and saw Derek walking toward them. Mark helped her up and she sighed a huge sigh of relief when Derek smiled and nodded his head.
He put his hands up and held them off before they could thank or hug him. “She made it through and she’s stable and she’s sleeping off the anesthesia. But there were some complications, things that scans...”
Addison zoned out and held onto Mark’s hand and tried to blink her vision back into focus and stay standing.
“Addison?” Derek stopped mid-sentence; she had lost all color in her face.
Mark turned to her. “Addie, you okay?” He sat her down in a chair and handed her a bottle of water.
She put her head between her knees and closed her eyes and focused on breathing, tried to focus on keeping the room from spinning.
Derek sat down next to her and looked at Mark. “Has she eaten today?”
“I have no idea,” she whispered even though the question wasn’t for her. “Guys, I really hate to do this to you, but I’m gonna pass out.” She slid off the chair and laid down on the floor before her body had a chance to do it for her.
Mark waved down an intern who immediately ran off to grab a stretcher. She slipped in and out of consciousness a few times, but by the time they had her on the gurney and in a room, she was awake. Fuzzy, but awake. She rolled her eyes through the entire process of checking her stats and putting in an IV and repeated that she was fine.
“You are not fine.” Her OB/GYN, Dr. Jenna Ward, pushed a few people aside. “Addison, you are twelve weeks pregnant, hypoglycemic and under a hell of a lot of stress. You cannot forget to eat.” She rattled off a list of blood tests to be done and almost literally kicked an intern into doing his job. “I know you’re probably not hungry, stress does that to you, but you need to force yourself to eat a sandwich or something.”
Derek stifled a laugh and then turned red as Dr. Ward looked at him.
“Something funny?”
He shook his head. “You sound exactly like Miranda Bailey at Seattle Grace. That’s all.” He liked his life a little too much to risk mentioning the short-but-vocal connection as well.
Eventually the room cleared and left Addison alone once again with Mark and Derek, grudgingly eating a sandwich.
“Can I continue or are you gonna pass out on us again?” Derek smirked.
She smacked him. “Go.”
He reassured them again that Suzie was stable and made it through okay but there were a few complications and there was the chance that he might need to go back in again in a few days. Derek looked at Addison and then at Mark. “I’m staying until I know she won’t need me. Deal with it.” He then looked back at Addison, sternly. “I’m going to see how she’s doing and when I come back, that sandwich and that bottle of juice will be in your stomach.” He smiled and walked out.
“How are you feeling?” Mark asked softly and kissed her temple. “Physically.”
Addison yawned. “Kind of like hell.” She blinked herself back awake. “Hey, do you want to call Sav and have her wake up Audrey...? Leave out the bit about...”
“You ending up on the floor? Yes.”
--
For sanity reasons, Derek moved into a hotel when he found out that Suzie was going to need him longer than anyone thought. He discovered that he had missed Sinai and the people he worked with while he was in New York and even though he told the Chief of Surgery “not a chance” when he offered him a job; he went back to his hotel and thought about it. He wasn’t just working Suzie’s case, he had a few others here and there, and he called Meredith.
“What do you think about New York?” He asked after he had given her an update.
“What?”
“What do you think about Mt. Sinai?”
Meredith paused. “They offered you a job.”
“They offered you a fellowship.”
Meredith realized that the only reason she wasn’t considering the Sinai fellowship was because Seattle Grace had offered her one and Derek was in Seattle. “I’ll think about it.”
--
Addison had just entered her second trimester when Derek officially accepted the job and Meredith accepted the fellowship. She and Mark gave in to desires and had Dr. Ward tell them the gender of their child, even though they originally didn’t want to know, and found out they were having a third girl.
“It’ll be good to have you back,” she said simply. “For real, I mean.”
He turned and looked at her and smiled. “It’s good to be back.”
She played with the edges of her lab coat. “How would you like to be Baby Girl Montgomery-Sloan’s godfather?”
“Can I act like Marlon Brando?”
“You smartass,” she whacked him the folder she was holding.
“Ow! Yes, yes, I’d love to. Thank you, Addison.”
--
Addison woke up with a start and bolted upright.
Her sudden movement woke Mark and he sat up with her. “What’s wrong?”
“Suzie,” she said with more conviction that Mark thought he had ever heard from her. She got out of bed to find clothes.
Mark rolled out of bed with her. Even though he couldn’t feel what she was feeling about Suzie, he knew that, whatever it was, it had Addison terrified and he wasn’t about to leave her. He thanked everything possible that Audrey was at a sleepover and he took the keys from Addison and gave her an inarguable look; four months pregnant and a terrified mother, he was not allowing her to drive. She conceded quickly. Her cell phone rang halfway to the hospital and she answered it, though she already knew that the intern on the other end was going to say that Suzie crashed and rushed into surgery and Derek was scrubbing in as they spoke. He seemed surprised that they were already on their way, but she told him that it was Mother’s Instinct and they’d be there soon.
--
Derek closed his eyes and leaned against the wall for a few minutes, calming himself before going out to talk to his friends. His heart broke for both of them as recognition crossed their faces; recognition that he was about to tell them that their daughter had died.
“I am so sorry,” he said quietly, knowing his voice wouldn’t hold much longer. “I did everything I could but...she seized in the middle and went without oxygen for too long and...” he stopped rambling, unable to keep a couple tears back. “I am so, so sorry.”
Addison let go of Mark’s hand for a moment to hug Derek. “Thank you, Derek. For everything you did.” She held him tightly and let him cry a few tears on her shoulder before she pulled away and let Mark give him a hug. They knew that it wasn’t Derek’s fault but both suddenly understood why it was that sometimes families lashed out at the surgeon who bore bad news.
Derek had told everyone who had scrubbed in to close her up as well and as quickly as possible and then get her out of the OR. He didn’t want Addison and Mark to see their daughter amidst the chaos of an OR, and knew they weren’t going to want to wait; they’d push their way in if necessary and he cared about them far too much to let them see that. He led them to the morgue where he hugged each of them one last time and left them alone.
“I’m so sorry,” Addison whispered and kissed her daughter’s forehead. “I love you, Blue Eyed Suzie.” She stepped away quickly before too many tears fell. She turned, unable to watch Mark with her. She heard him pull up a chair and she knew he was about to finish the story he started the night before she went into the hospital and she left before he started speaking; not because she knew he didn’t like her listening, but because she couldn’t bear hearing him fall apart.
She pushed past friends, colleagues, a few of her own concerned interns, just pushed them aside as she headed for the nearest exit to get some air, even through the rain that was morbidly appropriate. She found a back exit that emptied into a side parking lot that would be vacant that time of night and almost ran down the hallway to the double doors. She slammed her hands on the silver bars and shoved both doors open in a storm of fury and grief.
Addison opened her mouth and screamed into the night.
“WHY?!” She seethed and looked up at the sky, breathing hard and finding words. “What the hell did I ever do to you? She was three years old! Haven’t I paid my dues for adultery? For divorce? Or are you angry that I’m too busy saving lives to show up in your church every Sunday?” Burning, furious tears streamed down her face as she opened her arms and brought her voice back down to a low and eerily calm rage. “Here I am, you immoral fuck. Are you satisfied now?” She started to walk in an aimless direction, still looking up. “I’m crying, I’m hurt, I’m upset, I’m lost, I’m suffering. What did I do to piss you off so much that you took my daughter from me? She was three years old. She was innocent. She didn’t do anything to you. You took her before she had enough time to offend you.” Her voice rose up again, so angry that she no longer felt the cold rain. “What did I do to deserve this? WHAT THE HELL DID I DO?”
She protectively wrapped her arms around herself and her unborn child and knew that the next five months were going to be the most bittersweet five months of her life.
Addison stopped before she went back inside and looked up again. “You and me?” She worked hard to keep her breathing from getting out of control. “We’re done.”
--
“...and they lived happily ever after.” He kissed her forehead and wiped away the tears from his cheeks. “I know you hate that ending, love, but that’s all I can think of and I think it’s okay for this one.” Mark took a very shaky breath. “I’m sorry this happened,” he dropped his voice to a whisper. “I am so sorry. And I love you so much, Suzie-Q.” He wanted to stay with her, didn’t want to leave her, but he couldn’t. He knew he was going to fall apart and he needed to find Addison.
The moment the morgue doors closed behind him, his phone rang. He let it ring once while he quickly pulled himself together and then answered without looking at the screen. “Hey, Audrey.”
“She died, didn’t she?” Her voice was small and quiet, certain but with a tiny bit of hope that she was wrong.
He nodded. “Yeah. Do want me to come get you?”
“Worry about you and Addison, Mark. I’ll bring her.” An adult voice came on the line, the mother of Audrey’s best friend. “I’m so sorry, Mark.”
“Thank you, Julie.”
--
“How’s she doing?” Derek asked Mark over lunch a few days after he came back to work, four weeks after Susan had died.
Mark popped open a can of soda and took a long drink, wincing at the sudden rush of bubbles against his throat. “If she weren’t pregnant, I don’t think she’d be eating.” He ate in silence for a few minutes, concerned about his wife. “She’s begging to come back to work. I think it’s more because she needs something to do than she really wants to.” He sighed. “I mean, if she did almost anything else, I wouldn’t think twice about it but...God, it took her halfway through being pregnant with Suzie to stop worrying herself insane whenever something bad happened with a patient, but now?” He shook his head.
“She’s seeing someone, right?”
Mark nodded. “Yeah. I don’t know how much good it’s doing.” He went silent for a while. “Tell me what to do, Derek.”
Derek took a few bites of sandwich and thought. “Go home, Mark. Go home, take a vacation with her, get out of the house. Take a few days for the two of you, Meredith and I can take Audrey, spend some time with just Addison. And then come back, pick up Audrey and go somewhere fun and sunny with a beach. Spend a week or two, the three of you, together as a family.” He looked at his friend over his drink. “You’re not ready to be back either, are you?”
Mark looked away, blinking back tears, and shook his head. “No.”
“Go home, Mark. Now.”
--
Addison opened her eyes to see Mark looking at her, crouching down at the edge of their bed.
“Get up,” he said softly. At her slow blink, he sighed sadly. “Addison, please, get up.” She didn’t move. “Addison Forbes Montgomery-Sloan, I swear to God I will pick you up and put you in the car myself but we both know that I won’t be happy about it.”
She sat up slowly. “Where are we going?”
“Cape Cod.”
“We haven’t been there in years.”
“That’s why we’re going.” He chose it specifically because they hadn’t been since before Suzie was born and there were no memories attached. “Come on. Derek and Meredith are taking Audrey for the weekend.”
She took his hand and let him help her up and lead her down the stairs. “Why?”
“Because it’s just the two of us and we need to get away.” Mark stopped in the kitchen and tugged her into his arms. “Addison, I’m worried about you. You’ve pulled away from me. Let me help you, let me just be with you.”
“I have not.”
He cupped her cheeks and tilted her face up so he could look her in her eyes. “Addie, except for the funeral, I haven’t seen you cry and I know you have. You haven’t let me hold you since she died.”
“Okay.”
--
“A mother should never have to bury her child,” she whispered from her chair on the ocean-side porch of their beach house, the rhythmic sound of waves quietly in the background. She looked over at Mark in the dark, the light from the full moon reflecting against his features. “That’s not the way things are supposed to work.” Addison tucked herself into a ball in the chair, her chin resting on her knees and her hands clasped around her legs. “That’s not the way it’s supposed to work,” she echoed herself. She laughed harshly. “God, I buried one and another is growing inside of me. I’m trying to be excited for her, I really am, but I just can’t. And I feel awful,” a few tears started to fall, “because she deserves just as much love and attention and excitement as Audrey and...Suzie,” her breath hitched on her name, “but I can’t.” She dropped her head and rested her forehead on her knees and started to cry.
Mark blinked in shock; he hadn’t even thought of that. Addison hadn’t let him touch her enough or get close to her enough for him to talk to their unborn daughter. He knew that she was keeping up on all her appointments and doing everything else right, be he hadn’t even considered the emotional difficulty. He thought he heard her say that she was a terrible mother for not loving her baby and he immediately got out of his chair and was right over next to her. She resisted him as he tried to wrap his arms around her and lift her up.
“Addison,” he whispered, “Addison I can’t hold you if you’re curled up in this chair.”
She relaxed enough to let him slide an arm under her knees and the other around her back. He picked her up and carried her inside to their bed where she clutched to him for dear life. Addison sobbed, heavy body-wracking sobs, and Mark just held her and tried to envelop her in his embrace as much as possible. He soon found himself crying with her, holding onto her as much as she was holding onto him. She rubbed his back, telling him that it was okay for him to let go, too, that she didn’t need him to hold back for her sake. Mark buried his face in her shoulder and the walls he had constructed in order to stay strong for her came crashing down around her. Addison held him to her even through her own tears.
“I love you,” she whispered. Though her sobs had subsided, tears still fell down her cheeks. “I love you so much, Mark.” She kissed his cheek, tasting the wet saltwater.
Mark nodded, unable to find his voice. He breathed for a few minutes before lifting his head from his wife’s shoulder. “I love you, Addie.” He kissed her lips lightly, full of soft and quiet love, and then wrapped his arms around her again in a hug.
--
“She needs a name.” Addison said quietly and bit her lip as she leaned against the wall of the kitchen the next morning and watched Mark make breakfast. “Baby Girl Montgomery-Sloan needs a name.”
He nodded and handed her a glass of orange juice. “Yeah,” he said. “What were you thinking?”
“I hadn’t yet,” she smiled and hinted at a laugh. “But she needs one.”
Mark smiled and sat down across from her at the table, a plate with an omelet in each hand and set one in front of her. “Then let’s get her one.”
--
They rented a condo in Florida for two weeks and both Mark and Audrey were relieved as Addison began to smile, really smile, again. After an hour of crying as a family, the three of them started to recover together.
Addison caught him one night on his way back from brushing his teeth. She kissed him lightly before closing her eyes and seductively working her tongue into his mouth. She looped her arms around his neck and they simply kissed until they had to break away for air.
“Addie,” he leaned his forehead against hers, “are you sure?” She had started letting him hold and kiss her again, but nothing more than that.
“Make love to me, Mark.”
--
As her due date approached, everyone began to see Addison slowly drift back into unhappiness and everyone got worried again.
She woke up one morning to Audrey sitting next to her, expectantly handing her a book. “Aud...” she shook her head, “you’re old enough.” Addison felt horrible the moment she said it and turned to apologize to her daughter, expecting to see her with tears in her eyes and a quivering bottom lip. Instead she was met with an indignant look and crossed arms, though the tears were threatening.
“It’s so much better when you read it, Mom. I’m sad and I miss her, too. But I also miss you.” Audrey had gone a little accidentally forgotten in the frantic rush to make sure Addison was okay; and she sort of understood that, her mother was pregnant and if mom and baby wanted to be okay, mom had to be okay, but apart from a few moments on the beach, Audrey was assumed to be okay. She finished out the last month of the school year and then had stayed at home with Addison and hadn’t seen her mother be the mother she knew for a while. “So, read. Please.”
Addison sat up and quietly looked at her daughter and saw a plethora of emotions running through the girl’s face. “I’m sorry, Audrey,” she whispered, realizing that Audrey had been left to deal with her sister’s death on her own as most of Mark’s energy had gone towards Addison and all of Addison’s energy had gone towards Addison. She opened her arms and Audrey quickly crawled into her mother’s hug. “I love you,” she said and brushed a kiss against her temple and held her as her daughter began to cry on her shoulder.
After a few minutes, Addison pulled the book out of Audrey’s hands and flipped it open. She felt Audrey smile into her shoulder, even through her tears, and hugged her tighter. Addison began to read and Audrey’s tears slowly subsided and the girl turned around to follow the words along with her mother.
--
“Come on, Addie. One more push, that’s all you need. Take a deep breath all the way in, yeah, there you go. And now push hard as you let it out.” Dr. Ward coached her calmly and smiled widely as the tiny newborn began to cry as soon as she was out. She handed her off to a nurse who cleaned her up and smiled at Addison. “Congratulations, you two. She’s perfect.” She kept herself composed, knowing how hard the last few months had been for her friends, and she handed the tiny crying bundle to Addison.
Addison smiled widely at the girl in her arms and didn’t realize she was crying until Mark kissed her cheek and brushed a few tears away. She looked over at him and rested her head against his shoulder. She sniffled and laughed when Audrey pushed open the door and hopped up next to her.
--
“Hey you,” Derek knocked on her door and slipped into her room. “I sent Mark off to get some sleep and he told me to come here and meet my goddaughter.” He sat down in the chair Mark recently vacated and cuddled the tiny bundle Addison handed him with a smile.
“Lauren Emily Montgomery-Sloan,” she said softly, but proudly.
“She’s beautiful,” he said even though she looked like every other newborn he had ever seen, except that she very distinctly laid claim to Addison’s eyes. “Congratulations, Addison.”
“Thank you.”
“How are you?” He asked after a while.
Addison thought. “I think I’m okay.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. I’m okay.” She smiled quietly. “It hurts, but I’ll be good. Thank you, Derek.”
--
“How did you...?” Addison breathed as she stood in the doorway to the nursery, which used to be the guest room. She looked back at Mark; it had been completely redone since she saw it.
“Derek helped.” He hugged her tightly. “I know you felt weird about giving up Suzie’s room just yet, so.” Mark kissed her temple. “I love you, Addie. Thank you for being so strong through this.”
She nodded and blinked back tears. “Thank you for being strong when I couldn’t be.”
“You’re welcome.”
--
“Hey, kiddo,” Mark sat down on the grass with some flowers. “So your mom gave birth to your younger sister two weeks ago. Her name’s Lauren and she could give you a run for your money on needing attention. Audrey’s old enough to help us out with her though, so it’s not too crazy.” He laughed. “Mom’s getting better; I know you were worried about her when you were in the hospital. She got worse for a while, she was really sad, but she’s getting better. She’s smiling again and I think it’s here to stay. Aud’s doing pretty amazing too. I’m doing okay; I’m getting there.” Mark paused. “I miss you, Suzie-Q. We all do. I love you. Sweet dreams.” He placed a kiss on the small head stone and walked back to his car.
--
Addison smiled and sat down on the green grass. “Hey, Blue Eyed Suzie. I’m sorry I haven’t been here yet; I’m sure your dad’s told you about everything. It’s been rough without you, but we’re getting there.” She laughed. “Lauren’s keeping me pretty busy, more than you did. But, God, I miss you.” She trailed off and just sat in the sun for a while, just sitting as close to her daughter as she could. She stood up as the sun began to set. “I love you, girl.”
--
It hurt for everyone when the first anniversary of Suzie’s death came around. Addison and Mark took a few days off to spend with each other and continue healing.
But a few months after, Mark saw Addison go an entire day without looking sad. He didn’t mention it to her, but smiled to himself and loved her a little more that night.
“You good?” He asked quietly the next week after both girls were safely in bed and Addison was tucked happily in his arms.
Addison thought and smiled softly and realized that it had stopped hurting too much. “Yeah. I’m good.”
Pairing: Mark/Addison.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: "No mother should have to bury her child." Holy Emo, Batman.
Word Count: 6,380
Author’s Note: I cried writing part of this. I apologize if it causes the same reaction for you while reading.
Technical Note: There would have been some legitimate medical terminology if my internet worked faster than a leisurely stroll. Work with it.
Mark didn’t notice Addison leaning on the doorframe to their youngest daughter’s room with a wide smile. But three year-old Susan noticed and made the tough decision to tear her attention away from her father’s bedtime story to wave at her mother.
“Don’t stop on my part, it’s a good story,” Addison said softly when Mark stopped in the middle of a princess versus ogre fight scene. She stepped inside and kissed Susan goodnight again. “See you downstairs,” she told Mark before she left. She knew he got stage fright whenever he knew she was listening to his stories so left him alone in peace.
Audrey, eight years old and very much mimicking her mother at that age (though, to Addison’s secret chagrin, she wore it better), eagerly handed Addison a book from the side table when she came back downstairs. “It’s so much better when you read it,” the girl explained with a smile and pushed her glasses up her nose. She gave Addison her glasses when her mother held out her hand and Addison quickly tightened the screws and handed them back. “Thanks.”
“Aud, how many books are you reading right now?” Addison tucked herself into a corner of the couch and flipped open to where they had left off.
The girl visibly thought and tucked her brownish red hair behind her ear. “Five,” she said hesitantly and then nudged her mother to get on with it.
Addison smiled and let her daughter curl into her arms before she started.
“Alright, you,” Addison said after she finished a chapter and a half and Audrey yawned twice in the span of five minutes. “Bedtime.” She closed the book and set it back on the table.
Audrey pouted but knew it was useless to whine. When Addison closed whatever book they were reading, she knew they were done for the time being. She slid off the couch and out of her mother’s arms and kept pouting anyway, just in case.
Addison laughed and kissed her forehead. “Nice try. Upstairs, kiddo.” She hugged and kissed her goodnight. “Lights out in half an hour,” she added when Audrey grabbed a book on her way up. She smiled as she watched Mark catch her on her way up the stairs and gave her a hug and kiss goodnight too.
“You know,” he slid onto the couch next to Addison and wrapped his arm around her after he turned out a few lights, “you read really well.” He laughed at the look she gave him. “That came out wrong.”
“Yes it did,” she teased.
“You have a good voice for it, is what I meant.” He kissed her cheek. “Suzie is refusing to accept and they lived happily ever after as a proper story ending now. She says it’s boring.”
She turned and looked at him. “What did you use?”
“To be continued.”
Addison blinked. “You are lame, Mark Sloan. Lame.”
Mark grinned and played with the ring on her finger. “You married me, Addison Montgomery.” He dropped the hyphen for emphasis.
She smiled softly. “Yeah, I did.”
--
Addison blinked awake at the soft touch on her arm. Susan looked at her with sad deep blue eyes and clutched her teddy bear.
“My head hurts.” She whispered in a small voice.
“Come on up.” Addison helped her into bed and let the girl crawl over her to be in between her parents. She turned and tucked a concerned arm around her daughter and Susan cuddled into her. Mark halfway woke up and looked at Addison who mouthed headache at him and he nodded and almost immediately fell back asleep.
--
“She’s had a headache for a week and a half.” Addison spit out her toothpaste and shot a concerned look at Mark in the mirror.
He nodded slowly and, for that moment, hated being a doctor.
--
Addison curled up in a ball in Mark’s arms and just cried. “It’s not fair,” she repeated over and over again. “She’s three.” She gripped his shirt tightly in her hands and shook as he held her. “I’m her mother and I can’t do anything to help her.”
“Yes, you can,” he whispered and brushed a comforting kiss across her temple. “Yes we can.”
She sniffled and looked up at him. “What?”
“Call Derek.”
She nodded and thought about it and knew that Mark was right. They hadn’t spoken since the divorce but she knew he wouldn’t refuse. “Okay.”
Mark left her alone after she calmed down and composed herself to make the phone call.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Derek. It’s Addison.”
He couldn’t help but smile at hearing her familiar voice, but noticed that something wasn’t quite right about it. “What’s wrong?”
She bit her lip and took a shaky breath. “I don’t really know how to ask this, but I need you to perform brain surgery on my daughter.”
Derek blinked and walked into the other room away from Meredith. “Tell me.” His heart broke for his ex-wife as she gave him all the details and was amazed at how well she kept it together while she talked to him. It would be tricky, but he’d done it before. “I’ll fly out tomorrow.”
“Thank you, Derek.”
He heard the smile of gratitude. “You’re welcome, Addison.” He hung up and then slumped against the wall.
“What was that?” Meredith came up, slightly concerned.
He opened his eyes. “Addison’s three year-old daughter needs sixteen hours worth of brain surgery.”
--
Addison picked him up at the airport and he insisted that she drive him straight to the hospital so he could look at her himself immediately. Derek hugged her tightly when he came to her at the top of the escalators, in greeting and comfort.
“You look good for shoving two kids out of you,” he joked and took a smack on the arm with a smile.
“You look good for living in a trailer with no heating,” she teased back, hoping that the smirking could continue and not drop off and talking become too awkward.
“Hey. There’s a house.”
“Does it have central heating?”
He ignored that. “Susan?”
“Yeah. We kinda shortened it to Suzie, though.” She looked sideways at him in the car. “Montgomery-Sloan. There is no alliteration going on.”
“And the other one’s Audrey?”
“Yep.”
Derek smiled at her obvious love for her girls. “Tell me about them,” he asked, knowing that Addison needed a distraction from everything that was going on around her.
--
Derek talked to Mark for a few minutes when they got to the hospital and smiled, proud of him for finally settling down - even if it was with his wife. He then set to work at looking at her chart, flipping through and finding everything he needed to know. He looked up at the two of them.
“I can do it. And, Addison, don’t ask if I’m sure, you know that there are no guarantees in surgery.” He left off especially with people her age. “Can I talk to her?”
“Yeah, of course,” Mark nodded and went into her room where Audrey was coloring with her younger sister. “Hey, Aud, can you…”
“I am not waiting outside,” she said firmly. “She’s my sister; I want to know what’s going on.”
Derek stifled a laugh and looked up at Addison from the chair he pulled over to the bed. “Takes after you.”
--
“She’s stable,” Derek told them later. “I’ve booked an OR for the day after tomorrow, ah,” he held up a hand to silence Addison. “She’s stable. And I think you want me to work off the jetlag before I pick up a scalpel on your daughter. It’s okay to wait a couple days on this.”
Mark checked his pager and swore. “Plastics should never have to be emergency.” He kissed Addison on the cheek. “I’ll see you at home. Derek,” his eyes spoke volumes of gratitude, “thank you.”
She watched him head down the hallway until he turned the corner. Her eyes dropped to the ground and she hugged herself protectively. She looked up suddenly as she felt Derek’s hand on her arm and realized that he had been softly saying her name. “Oh, sorry. Yeah, I’m fine.”
“No you’re not.”
“Where are you staying?” Addison asked, covertly telling him to drop it.
“I actually hadn’t gotten that far.”
“Stay with us. We have a guest room and the bed’s actually not bad. I mean, there’s no complimentary individually-wrapped bars of soap, but.”
Derek laughed and nodded. “Thank you.”
--
Mark called and said not to wait dinner, there was a complication with the surgery and he would be later, but to please save him some.
“I hate leaving her at night,” Addison admitted.
Derek nodded and understood, having seen parents go through the same guilt for years, and started chopping up the vegetables on the cutting board she pushed his way. “It’s better for you, though. You physically feel better.”
“I know,” she made a face and dumped some sliced off chicken fat into a plastic zip-lock bag, “I still feel bad.”
“Addison,” he said softly and waited until she turned to look at him. “Thank you for calling me. That means a lot.”
She smiled quietly. “Thank you for coming out. You’re the only one I’d trust with my kid.”
“How long have you known?” He slid the cutting board to the edge of the counter for her to take when she needed it.
“Couple weeks. She slept with us for a week and a half because her head hurt and then we finally took her in.” Addison blinked back a few tears as she washed her hands. “God, I’ve had headaches that last a week and a half and I don’t think anything of it. I mean, I whine about it, but...”
“Addie, you get migraines. You don’t whine, you bitch.” He said it with hopes that it would make her laugh and it did.
She smiled at him. “I don’t bitch, I eloquently complain.”
“No, you bitch.” Audrey’s voice piped up, appearing almost out of nowhere in the way that eight year-olds do.
Addison looked down at her. “You are eight years old, watch your language.” She tried look stern and motherly but Derek was laughing and saying that if even the kid agrees and she couldn’t hold it for very long. “Go, set the table, be productive,” she said through a laugh. When Audrey just looked at her, Addison raised her eyebrow. “I am not your father. Looking cute won’t do you any good.” She smiled softly at her daughter’s pout. “Please?”
Derek buried his head in his arms against the counter to keep from laughing out loud. “Oh, she takes after you.”
Addison sent Audrey to bed after dinner and sat down with Derek to talk and catch up and, at least momentarily, forget that in thirty-six hours he would be standing in front of her daughter’s open brain.
“You have really cute kids, Addie.”
She smiled crookedly. “Thank you, Derek.” She gazed at a picture of the four of them on the end table. “There’s actually a third on the way. Twelve weeks.”
“I wondered why you didn’t have any wine with dinner. Congratulations.”
“Thank you.” She took a sip of water. “You and Meredith ever think about it?”
“We’ve talked.” He laughed a little. “She had kind of a screwed up childhood and she’s not really sure how good she’d be at it. Didn’t have a good example, that kind of thing.”
Addison covered her hand with his, detecting the sadness in his voice. “I’m sorry, Derek.”
He nodded, knowing what she was apologizing for. “Thank you, Addison. But it’s okay, you weren’t ready.”
“Still.”
--
“It’s a beautiful day to save lives. Let’s have some fun.” Derek smiled behind his facemask and did everything he could to forget that it was the daughter of his two best friends whose skull flap he was about to open.
--
The upside to surgeon parents, the intern who drew the short straw thought as he walked out to give Addison and Mark an update, is that they didn’t need everything spelled out to them.
The downside, he thought as they stood up, is that they understood what the word “complications” can mean and asked for explanation.
He liked Addison and Mark; he had worked with both of them and thought they were phenomenal surgeons and even better people. The news wasn’t good, but it wasn’t necessarily bad, so he told them as best he could (and as composed as he could) what was going on and gave Addison a hug and jogged back to scrub in again.
--
“This ceiling is really boring,” Addison said to no one in particular. She had given up on chairs and, since it was getting on to late at night, she figured it was okay to stretch her back and lay on the floor with a sweater as a pillow. She heard a squeak of sneakers on the floor and turned her head and saw Derek walking toward them. Mark helped her up and she sighed a huge sigh of relief when Derek smiled and nodded his head.
He put his hands up and held them off before they could thank or hug him. “She made it through and she’s stable and she’s sleeping off the anesthesia. But there were some complications, things that scans...”
Addison zoned out and held onto Mark’s hand and tried to blink her vision back into focus and stay standing.
“Addison?” Derek stopped mid-sentence; she had lost all color in her face.
Mark turned to her. “Addie, you okay?” He sat her down in a chair and handed her a bottle of water.
She put her head between her knees and closed her eyes and focused on breathing, tried to focus on keeping the room from spinning.
Derek sat down next to her and looked at Mark. “Has she eaten today?”
“I have no idea,” she whispered even though the question wasn’t for her. “Guys, I really hate to do this to you, but I’m gonna pass out.” She slid off the chair and laid down on the floor before her body had a chance to do it for her.
Mark waved down an intern who immediately ran off to grab a stretcher. She slipped in and out of consciousness a few times, but by the time they had her on the gurney and in a room, she was awake. Fuzzy, but awake. She rolled her eyes through the entire process of checking her stats and putting in an IV and repeated that she was fine.
“You are not fine.” Her OB/GYN, Dr. Jenna Ward, pushed a few people aside. “Addison, you are twelve weeks pregnant, hypoglycemic and under a hell of a lot of stress. You cannot forget to eat.” She rattled off a list of blood tests to be done and almost literally kicked an intern into doing his job. “I know you’re probably not hungry, stress does that to you, but you need to force yourself to eat a sandwich or something.”
Derek stifled a laugh and then turned red as Dr. Ward looked at him.
“Something funny?”
He shook his head. “You sound exactly like Miranda Bailey at Seattle Grace. That’s all.” He liked his life a little too much to risk mentioning the short-but-vocal connection as well.
Eventually the room cleared and left Addison alone once again with Mark and Derek, grudgingly eating a sandwich.
“Can I continue or are you gonna pass out on us again?” Derek smirked.
She smacked him. “Go.”
He reassured them again that Suzie was stable and made it through okay but there were a few complications and there was the chance that he might need to go back in again in a few days. Derek looked at Addison and then at Mark. “I’m staying until I know she won’t need me. Deal with it.” He then looked back at Addison, sternly. “I’m going to see how she’s doing and when I come back, that sandwich and that bottle of juice will be in your stomach.” He smiled and walked out.
“How are you feeling?” Mark asked softly and kissed her temple. “Physically.”
Addison yawned. “Kind of like hell.” She blinked herself back awake. “Hey, do you want to call Sav and have her wake up Audrey...? Leave out the bit about...”
“You ending up on the floor? Yes.”
--
For sanity reasons, Derek moved into a hotel when he found out that Suzie was going to need him longer than anyone thought. He discovered that he had missed Sinai and the people he worked with while he was in New York and even though he told the Chief of Surgery “not a chance” when he offered him a job; he went back to his hotel and thought about it. He wasn’t just working Suzie’s case, he had a few others here and there, and he called Meredith.
“What do you think about New York?” He asked after he had given her an update.
“What?”
“What do you think about Mt. Sinai?”
Meredith paused. “They offered you a job.”
“They offered you a fellowship.”
Meredith realized that the only reason she wasn’t considering the Sinai fellowship was because Seattle Grace had offered her one and Derek was in Seattle. “I’ll think about it.”
--
Addison had just entered her second trimester when Derek officially accepted the job and Meredith accepted the fellowship. She and Mark gave in to desires and had Dr. Ward tell them the gender of their child, even though they originally didn’t want to know, and found out they were having a third girl.
“It’ll be good to have you back,” she said simply. “For real, I mean.”
He turned and looked at her and smiled. “It’s good to be back.”
She played with the edges of her lab coat. “How would you like to be Baby Girl Montgomery-Sloan’s godfather?”
“Can I act like Marlon Brando?”
“You smartass,” she whacked him the folder she was holding.
“Ow! Yes, yes, I’d love to. Thank you, Addison.”
--
Addison woke up with a start and bolted upright.
Her sudden movement woke Mark and he sat up with her. “What’s wrong?”
“Suzie,” she said with more conviction that Mark thought he had ever heard from her. She got out of bed to find clothes.
Mark rolled out of bed with her. Even though he couldn’t feel what she was feeling about Suzie, he knew that, whatever it was, it had Addison terrified and he wasn’t about to leave her. He thanked everything possible that Audrey was at a sleepover and he took the keys from Addison and gave her an inarguable look; four months pregnant and a terrified mother, he was not allowing her to drive. She conceded quickly. Her cell phone rang halfway to the hospital and she answered it, though she already knew that the intern on the other end was going to say that Suzie crashed and rushed into surgery and Derek was scrubbing in as they spoke. He seemed surprised that they were already on their way, but she told him that it was Mother’s Instinct and they’d be there soon.
--
Derek closed his eyes and leaned against the wall for a few minutes, calming himself before going out to talk to his friends. His heart broke for both of them as recognition crossed their faces; recognition that he was about to tell them that their daughter had died.
“I am so sorry,” he said quietly, knowing his voice wouldn’t hold much longer. “I did everything I could but...she seized in the middle and went without oxygen for too long and...” he stopped rambling, unable to keep a couple tears back. “I am so, so sorry.”
Addison let go of Mark’s hand for a moment to hug Derek. “Thank you, Derek. For everything you did.” She held him tightly and let him cry a few tears on her shoulder before she pulled away and let Mark give him a hug. They knew that it wasn’t Derek’s fault but both suddenly understood why it was that sometimes families lashed out at the surgeon who bore bad news.
Derek had told everyone who had scrubbed in to close her up as well and as quickly as possible and then get her out of the OR. He didn’t want Addison and Mark to see their daughter amidst the chaos of an OR, and knew they weren’t going to want to wait; they’d push their way in if necessary and he cared about them far too much to let them see that. He led them to the morgue where he hugged each of them one last time and left them alone.
“I’m so sorry,” Addison whispered and kissed her daughter’s forehead. “I love you, Blue Eyed Suzie.” She stepped away quickly before too many tears fell. She turned, unable to watch Mark with her. She heard him pull up a chair and she knew he was about to finish the story he started the night before she went into the hospital and she left before he started speaking; not because she knew he didn’t like her listening, but because she couldn’t bear hearing him fall apart.
She pushed past friends, colleagues, a few of her own concerned interns, just pushed them aside as she headed for the nearest exit to get some air, even through the rain that was morbidly appropriate. She found a back exit that emptied into a side parking lot that would be vacant that time of night and almost ran down the hallway to the double doors. She slammed her hands on the silver bars and shoved both doors open in a storm of fury and grief.
Addison opened her mouth and screamed into the night.
“WHY?!” She seethed and looked up at the sky, breathing hard and finding words. “What the hell did I ever do to you? She was three years old! Haven’t I paid my dues for adultery? For divorce? Or are you angry that I’m too busy saving lives to show up in your church every Sunday?” Burning, furious tears streamed down her face as she opened her arms and brought her voice back down to a low and eerily calm rage. “Here I am, you immoral fuck. Are you satisfied now?” She started to walk in an aimless direction, still looking up. “I’m crying, I’m hurt, I’m upset, I’m lost, I’m suffering. What did I do to piss you off so much that you took my daughter from me? She was three years old. She was innocent. She didn’t do anything to you. You took her before she had enough time to offend you.” Her voice rose up again, so angry that she no longer felt the cold rain. “What did I do to deserve this? WHAT THE HELL DID I DO?”
She protectively wrapped her arms around herself and her unborn child and knew that the next five months were going to be the most bittersweet five months of her life.
Addison stopped before she went back inside and looked up again. “You and me?” She worked hard to keep her breathing from getting out of control. “We’re done.”
--
“...and they lived happily ever after.” He kissed her forehead and wiped away the tears from his cheeks. “I know you hate that ending, love, but that’s all I can think of and I think it’s okay for this one.” Mark took a very shaky breath. “I’m sorry this happened,” he dropped his voice to a whisper. “I am so sorry. And I love you so much, Suzie-Q.” He wanted to stay with her, didn’t want to leave her, but he couldn’t. He knew he was going to fall apart and he needed to find Addison.
The moment the morgue doors closed behind him, his phone rang. He let it ring once while he quickly pulled himself together and then answered without looking at the screen. “Hey, Audrey.”
“She died, didn’t she?” Her voice was small and quiet, certain but with a tiny bit of hope that she was wrong.
He nodded. “Yeah. Do want me to come get you?”
“Worry about you and Addison, Mark. I’ll bring her.” An adult voice came on the line, the mother of Audrey’s best friend. “I’m so sorry, Mark.”
“Thank you, Julie.”
--
“How’s she doing?” Derek asked Mark over lunch a few days after he came back to work, four weeks after Susan had died.
Mark popped open a can of soda and took a long drink, wincing at the sudden rush of bubbles against his throat. “If she weren’t pregnant, I don’t think she’d be eating.” He ate in silence for a few minutes, concerned about his wife. “She’s begging to come back to work. I think it’s more because she needs something to do than she really wants to.” He sighed. “I mean, if she did almost anything else, I wouldn’t think twice about it but...God, it took her halfway through being pregnant with Suzie to stop worrying herself insane whenever something bad happened with a patient, but now?” He shook his head.
“She’s seeing someone, right?”
Mark nodded. “Yeah. I don’t know how much good it’s doing.” He went silent for a while. “Tell me what to do, Derek.”
Derek took a few bites of sandwich and thought. “Go home, Mark. Go home, take a vacation with her, get out of the house. Take a few days for the two of you, Meredith and I can take Audrey, spend some time with just Addison. And then come back, pick up Audrey and go somewhere fun and sunny with a beach. Spend a week or two, the three of you, together as a family.” He looked at his friend over his drink. “You’re not ready to be back either, are you?”
Mark looked away, blinking back tears, and shook his head. “No.”
“Go home, Mark. Now.”
--
Addison opened her eyes to see Mark looking at her, crouching down at the edge of their bed.
“Get up,” he said softly. At her slow blink, he sighed sadly. “Addison, please, get up.” She didn’t move. “Addison Forbes Montgomery-Sloan, I swear to God I will pick you up and put you in the car myself but we both know that I won’t be happy about it.”
She sat up slowly. “Where are we going?”
“Cape Cod.”
“We haven’t been there in years.”
“That’s why we’re going.” He chose it specifically because they hadn’t been since before Suzie was born and there were no memories attached. “Come on. Derek and Meredith are taking Audrey for the weekend.”
She took his hand and let him help her up and lead her down the stairs. “Why?”
“Because it’s just the two of us and we need to get away.” Mark stopped in the kitchen and tugged her into his arms. “Addison, I’m worried about you. You’ve pulled away from me. Let me help you, let me just be with you.”
“I have not.”
He cupped her cheeks and tilted her face up so he could look her in her eyes. “Addie, except for the funeral, I haven’t seen you cry and I know you have. You haven’t let me hold you since she died.”
“Okay.”
--
“A mother should never have to bury her child,” she whispered from her chair on the ocean-side porch of their beach house, the rhythmic sound of waves quietly in the background. She looked over at Mark in the dark, the light from the full moon reflecting against his features. “That’s not the way things are supposed to work.” Addison tucked herself into a ball in the chair, her chin resting on her knees and her hands clasped around her legs. “That’s not the way it’s supposed to work,” she echoed herself. She laughed harshly. “God, I buried one and another is growing inside of me. I’m trying to be excited for her, I really am, but I just can’t. And I feel awful,” a few tears started to fall, “because she deserves just as much love and attention and excitement as Audrey and...Suzie,” her breath hitched on her name, “but I can’t.” She dropped her head and rested her forehead on her knees and started to cry.
Mark blinked in shock; he hadn’t even thought of that. Addison hadn’t let him touch her enough or get close to her enough for him to talk to their unborn daughter. He knew that she was keeping up on all her appointments and doing everything else right, be he hadn’t even considered the emotional difficulty. He thought he heard her say that she was a terrible mother for not loving her baby and he immediately got out of his chair and was right over next to her. She resisted him as he tried to wrap his arms around her and lift her up.
“Addison,” he whispered, “Addison I can’t hold you if you’re curled up in this chair.”
She relaxed enough to let him slide an arm under her knees and the other around her back. He picked her up and carried her inside to their bed where she clutched to him for dear life. Addison sobbed, heavy body-wracking sobs, and Mark just held her and tried to envelop her in his embrace as much as possible. He soon found himself crying with her, holding onto her as much as she was holding onto him. She rubbed his back, telling him that it was okay for him to let go, too, that she didn’t need him to hold back for her sake. Mark buried his face in her shoulder and the walls he had constructed in order to stay strong for her came crashing down around her. Addison held him to her even through her own tears.
“I love you,” she whispered. Though her sobs had subsided, tears still fell down her cheeks. “I love you so much, Mark.” She kissed his cheek, tasting the wet saltwater.
Mark nodded, unable to find his voice. He breathed for a few minutes before lifting his head from his wife’s shoulder. “I love you, Addie.” He kissed her lips lightly, full of soft and quiet love, and then wrapped his arms around her again in a hug.
--
“She needs a name.” Addison said quietly and bit her lip as she leaned against the wall of the kitchen the next morning and watched Mark make breakfast. “Baby Girl Montgomery-Sloan needs a name.”
He nodded and handed her a glass of orange juice. “Yeah,” he said. “What were you thinking?”
“I hadn’t yet,” she smiled and hinted at a laugh. “But she needs one.”
Mark smiled and sat down across from her at the table, a plate with an omelet in each hand and set one in front of her. “Then let’s get her one.”
--
They rented a condo in Florida for two weeks and both Mark and Audrey were relieved as Addison began to smile, really smile, again. After an hour of crying as a family, the three of them started to recover together.
Addison caught him one night on his way back from brushing his teeth. She kissed him lightly before closing her eyes and seductively working her tongue into his mouth. She looped her arms around his neck and they simply kissed until they had to break away for air.
“Addie,” he leaned his forehead against hers, “are you sure?” She had started letting him hold and kiss her again, but nothing more than that.
“Make love to me, Mark.”
--
As her due date approached, everyone began to see Addison slowly drift back into unhappiness and everyone got worried again.
She woke up one morning to Audrey sitting next to her, expectantly handing her a book. “Aud...” she shook her head, “you’re old enough.” Addison felt horrible the moment she said it and turned to apologize to her daughter, expecting to see her with tears in her eyes and a quivering bottom lip. Instead she was met with an indignant look and crossed arms, though the tears were threatening.
“It’s so much better when you read it, Mom. I’m sad and I miss her, too. But I also miss you.” Audrey had gone a little accidentally forgotten in the frantic rush to make sure Addison was okay; and she sort of understood that, her mother was pregnant and if mom and baby wanted to be okay, mom had to be okay, but apart from a few moments on the beach, Audrey was assumed to be okay. She finished out the last month of the school year and then had stayed at home with Addison and hadn’t seen her mother be the mother she knew for a while. “So, read. Please.”
Addison sat up and quietly looked at her daughter and saw a plethora of emotions running through the girl’s face. “I’m sorry, Audrey,” she whispered, realizing that Audrey had been left to deal with her sister’s death on her own as most of Mark’s energy had gone towards Addison and all of Addison’s energy had gone towards Addison. She opened her arms and Audrey quickly crawled into her mother’s hug. “I love you,” she said and brushed a kiss against her temple and held her as her daughter began to cry on her shoulder.
After a few minutes, Addison pulled the book out of Audrey’s hands and flipped it open. She felt Audrey smile into her shoulder, even through her tears, and hugged her tighter. Addison began to read and Audrey’s tears slowly subsided and the girl turned around to follow the words along with her mother.
--
“Come on, Addie. One more push, that’s all you need. Take a deep breath all the way in, yeah, there you go. And now push hard as you let it out.” Dr. Ward coached her calmly and smiled widely as the tiny newborn began to cry as soon as she was out. She handed her off to a nurse who cleaned her up and smiled at Addison. “Congratulations, you two. She’s perfect.” She kept herself composed, knowing how hard the last few months had been for her friends, and she handed the tiny crying bundle to Addison.
Addison smiled widely at the girl in her arms and didn’t realize she was crying until Mark kissed her cheek and brushed a few tears away. She looked over at him and rested her head against his shoulder. She sniffled and laughed when Audrey pushed open the door and hopped up next to her.
--
“Hey you,” Derek knocked on her door and slipped into her room. “I sent Mark off to get some sleep and he told me to come here and meet my goddaughter.” He sat down in the chair Mark recently vacated and cuddled the tiny bundle Addison handed him with a smile.
“Lauren Emily Montgomery-Sloan,” she said softly, but proudly.
“She’s beautiful,” he said even though she looked like every other newborn he had ever seen, except that she very distinctly laid claim to Addison’s eyes. “Congratulations, Addison.”
“Thank you.”
“How are you?” He asked after a while.
Addison thought. “I think I’m okay.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. I’m okay.” She smiled quietly. “It hurts, but I’ll be good. Thank you, Derek.”
--
“How did you...?” Addison breathed as she stood in the doorway to the nursery, which used to be the guest room. She looked back at Mark; it had been completely redone since she saw it.
“Derek helped.” He hugged her tightly. “I know you felt weird about giving up Suzie’s room just yet, so.” Mark kissed her temple. “I love you, Addie. Thank you for being so strong through this.”
She nodded and blinked back tears. “Thank you for being strong when I couldn’t be.”
“You’re welcome.”
--
“Hey, kiddo,” Mark sat down on the grass with some flowers. “So your mom gave birth to your younger sister two weeks ago. Her name’s Lauren and she could give you a run for your money on needing attention. Audrey’s old enough to help us out with her though, so it’s not too crazy.” He laughed. “Mom’s getting better; I know you were worried about her when you were in the hospital. She got worse for a while, she was really sad, but she’s getting better. She’s smiling again and I think it’s here to stay. Aud’s doing pretty amazing too. I’m doing okay; I’m getting there.” Mark paused. “I miss you, Suzie-Q. We all do. I love you. Sweet dreams.” He placed a kiss on the small head stone and walked back to his car.
--
Addison smiled and sat down on the green grass. “Hey, Blue Eyed Suzie. I’m sorry I haven’t been here yet; I’m sure your dad’s told you about everything. It’s been rough without you, but we’re getting there.” She laughed. “Lauren’s keeping me pretty busy, more than you did. But, God, I miss you.” She trailed off and just sat in the sun for a while, just sitting as close to her daughter as she could. She stood up as the sun began to set. “I love you, girl.”
--
It hurt for everyone when the first anniversary of Suzie’s death came around. Addison and Mark took a few days off to spend with each other and continue healing.
But a few months after, Mark saw Addison go an entire day without looking sad. He didn’t mention it to her, but smiled to himself and loved her a little more that night.
“You good?” He asked quietly the next week after both girls were safely in bed and Addison was tucked happily in his arms.
Addison thought and smiled softly and realized that it had stopped hurting too much. “Yeah. I’m good.”