emo supremo
I suppose it's that time to reflect on the past academic year, think about everything that's happened, yada yada yada. Plus I feel like it's time to just get stuff off my chest, in general. I keep things in way too much.
So, here it is. What I've learned, who I've become, what I've accomplished, my many shortcomings and the little things that got me from one day to the next.
1. I have made some awesome new friends, some of whom have made a huge impact in my life, and I am more fulfilled by knowing them. Some of them I can tell anything to, others are mere acquaintances. But all of them have impacted my life in some way, large or small. And they can all make me laugh- I wouldn't be friends with them if they couldn't.
2. I have learned that there is more to music than just listening to the way it sounds and memorizing the words. I am able to appreciate different artists and styles for what they are, and am able to notice, understand, and analyze things about a piece of music that I never could before. Thanks to Chuck for that one. I've also found some amazing music that I can connect with on a personal level, that I can put on at any given time and it will put a smile on my face. Thanks especially to Joni Mitchell for that.
3. It's okay to cry. It's human, everybody does it, and it's not embarrassing. I still can't cry in front of people, or talk about a lot of my feelings (which I have learned the hard way can lead to panic attacks) but at least I've moved past the crying-means-weakness-and-vulnerability complex.
4. You can never smoke too much pot. Although in hindsight, it probably wasn't the most valuable use of my time, as I forfeited many a homework assignment and countless hours that should have been spent studying in favor of sitting on the couch eating ice cream inbetween fits of laughter. It's also not a good way to solve your problems, as it does not make them go away. But it sure does make everything a little bit rosier for a few hours.
5. I have a terrible habit of allowing myself to become attracted to men who are unavailable, physically and emotionally. I really don't know how I arrived at that stage but it's really not good for me. I haven't gotten action in six months...yeah I said it. I wondered if the underlying problem was that I was actually a lesbian, but when I actually sat back and thought about being a lesbian, I realized I really wasn't. I'm just psychologically fucked up.
6. I have big-time daddy issues. I like to front like it doesn't bother me, but it does. I have a 16 month old baby sister who I love to millions of pieces; unfortunately my dad feels the same way- about her, not me. I've accepted the fact that there's not a whole lot I can do about that, but it doesn't really make it any easier. Thank god for my mother, bless her heart. I'd go mad without her.
7. No matter how late my first class was, it remains an impossible feat to drag myself out of bed to make it there in time, if at all. I'm not really sure how to deal with that little dilemma, especially since I managed to get enough sleep most nights. Except for the occassional insomnia.
8. I have sporadic insomnia. It's probably due to stressing about any combination of money, the way I look, school, work, and managing all of the above in such away that I can feel good about myself...which is a constant work in progress.
I'm sure there are many more, but I'm too physically and mentally exhausted to go on. I got to the point last year where I was feeling really good about myself and about life, but that all went down the toilet this year. I thought I finally knew who I was, but what I didn't know is that the older you get, the more you grow and change, and you find you know less and less about yourself as time progresses, instead of the expected opposite. That I was definitely not prepared for. Comparing myself now to myself last year at this time, I'm a mess. I'm a complete wreck, and I wish I wasn't. I always considered myself a happy person, and genuinely felt it. Now, for the first time ever, I'm questioning that. Granted, I don't wake up every day with a little black raincloud above my head, and I laugh and love and experience life in every way that I can. But when I stop and take into account all the endless facets and nooks and crannies of the life I'm living, I find a lot of things that make me unhappy. I don't know myself anymore, I thought I did but I lost it. That's the worst part, not knowing who you are. At least if you know that much, you can take being happy or unhappy in stride and know what you're experiencing and why. But I'm lost. Everything is temporary, and I can't shake that feeling. Never once have I considered my house my home. My room is too small, and is consequently in a constant state of disarray. Maybe that's part of the problem- I don't have my safe haven, my little bubble of zen, if you will.
a;ldk;aldsjf
I can't talk about this anymore.
emoemoemoemoemoemoemo.
So, here it is. What I've learned, who I've become, what I've accomplished, my many shortcomings and the little things that got me from one day to the next.
1. I have made some awesome new friends, some of whom have made a huge impact in my life, and I am more fulfilled by knowing them. Some of them I can tell anything to, others are mere acquaintances. But all of them have impacted my life in some way, large or small. And they can all make me laugh- I wouldn't be friends with them if they couldn't.
2. I have learned that there is more to music than just listening to the way it sounds and memorizing the words. I am able to appreciate different artists and styles for what they are, and am able to notice, understand, and analyze things about a piece of music that I never could before. Thanks to Chuck for that one. I've also found some amazing music that I can connect with on a personal level, that I can put on at any given time and it will put a smile on my face. Thanks especially to Joni Mitchell for that.
3. It's okay to cry. It's human, everybody does it, and it's not embarrassing. I still can't cry in front of people, or talk about a lot of my feelings (which I have learned the hard way can lead to panic attacks) but at least I've moved past the crying-means-weakness-and-vulnerability complex.
4. You can never smoke too much pot. Although in hindsight, it probably wasn't the most valuable use of my time, as I forfeited many a homework assignment and countless hours that should have been spent studying in favor of sitting on the couch eating ice cream inbetween fits of laughter. It's also not a good way to solve your problems, as it does not make them go away. But it sure does make everything a little bit rosier for a few hours.
5. I have a terrible habit of allowing myself to become attracted to men who are unavailable, physically and emotionally. I really don't know how I arrived at that stage but it's really not good for me. I haven't gotten action in six months...yeah I said it. I wondered if the underlying problem was that I was actually a lesbian, but when I actually sat back and thought about being a lesbian, I realized I really wasn't. I'm just psychologically fucked up.
6. I have big-time daddy issues. I like to front like it doesn't bother me, but it does. I have a 16 month old baby sister who I love to millions of pieces; unfortunately my dad feels the same way- about her, not me. I've accepted the fact that there's not a whole lot I can do about that, but it doesn't really make it any easier. Thank god for my mother, bless her heart. I'd go mad without her.
7. No matter how late my first class was, it remains an impossible feat to drag myself out of bed to make it there in time, if at all. I'm not really sure how to deal with that little dilemma, especially since I managed to get enough sleep most nights. Except for the occassional insomnia.
8. I have sporadic insomnia. It's probably due to stressing about any combination of money, the way I look, school, work, and managing all of the above in such away that I can feel good about myself...which is a constant work in progress.
I'm sure there are many more, but I'm too physically and mentally exhausted to go on. I got to the point last year where I was feeling really good about myself and about life, but that all went down the toilet this year. I thought I finally knew who I was, but what I didn't know is that the older you get, the more you grow and change, and you find you know less and less about yourself as time progresses, instead of the expected opposite. That I was definitely not prepared for. Comparing myself now to myself last year at this time, I'm a mess. I'm a complete wreck, and I wish I wasn't. I always considered myself a happy person, and genuinely felt it. Now, for the first time ever, I'm questioning that. Granted, I don't wake up every day with a little black raincloud above my head, and I laugh and love and experience life in every way that I can. But when I stop and take into account all the endless facets and nooks and crannies of the life I'm living, I find a lot of things that make me unhappy. I don't know myself anymore, I thought I did but I lost it. That's the worst part, not knowing who you are. At least if you know that much, you can take being happy or unhappy in stride and know what you're experiencing and why. But I'm lost. Everything is temporary, and I can't shake that feeling. Never once have I considered my house my home. My room is too small, and is consequently in a constant state of disarray. Maybe that's part of the problem- I don't have my safe haven, my little bubble of zen, if you will.
a;ldk;aldsjf
I can't talk about this anymore.
emoemoemoemoemoemoemo.