The Change of Life
No...not menopause, silly. I guess more like...Change IS Life...ya know? My life is going through an enormous change right now...Searching for a new job...so I can make the Big Move to At Lan Ta. A huge deal. I've lived in Ohio all my life. I've never really considered leaving until now. That's just the way things have progressed with Kim. I've been in other relationships where my girlfriend wanted to move away for one reason or another...but it never seemed - reasonable until now. Am I scared? Hell ya I'm scared...Scared shitless. I've been really anxious about the whole job search thing. I think that's the thing that really gets me. I've always hated job searching and interviewing. The whole process is filled with so much damn rejection...whether I'm being rejected or doing the rejecting. Until it's over...that's all it is...REJECTION. Mostly, I'm afraid I won't find or be offered the job that I want...or that I'll take a job and be miserable there. And people say...if that happens, you can always find another job. ptah..yah...sounds simple to any normal human being. But not to me! Trust me, I'd do almost anything to avoid going through all of this job hunting business again! THAT'S how much I hate it.
Am I scared of other things? Ya, I suppose. I know that Kim interprets all of this anxiety as evidence that I'm reconsidering my decision to move with her. But that's not it at all. I am truly 110% positive that I'm making the right decision. Is there a part of me that's afraid things won't work out between us? ya...there is. But I'm not going to make my decisions based on fear. I see a wonderful life with Kim and I'm definitely not willing to risk missing out on that because of a fear of being hurt.
So, what other things am I afraid of? Well...lately I feel like my family is angry with me...mostly my mother and grandmother. They tend to be a little passive aggressive. Guilt mongers is more like it. And the more upset they are...the more irrational they become. This is a difficult thing for me to do...change EVERYTHING in my life. I wish I could feel more supported by them...I wish that I felt good wishes and hopefulness coming my way...instead of bushels full of maternal, catholic-bread guilt. Those catholic mothers...no one's better at the guilt thing than they are. I'm afraid my niece and nephews won't remember me. I'm afraid my sister Kathy is going to have kids and they won't know me.
I know, I know...We'll keep in touch and visit and all of that. And I keep reassuring myself of all of those realities. Nevertheless, I am afraid.
Every once in a while, little realities will hit me...about how close it is to me actually moving. I got a job offer this week. Not one that I want to accept..but still. I have 3 interviews this week...and I just have this feeling that I'll take one of those positions. Then I'll have to turn in my notice at work..and of course I'm afraid of them being angry with me...This all seems to go back to my desire to please others. It's completely ridiculous. Like noone has ever turned in their notice before. It's as if I'm feeling guilty. It's quite irrational of me. Guess it's in the genes...?
Well anyway, it is exciting...as fearful as I am...it's exciting. I have some really cool job opportunities! And I think I'll really enjoy the city....the weather...building a life with Kim : ) It's quite overwhelming...everything I've been feeling and planning and doing. I just may be up all night thinking about it. It's been a while since I was alone long enough to fathom it all. This could be dangerous.
But don't worry...I'm not changing my mind. You're all gonna be stuck with me. For better or....better yet!
Am I scared of other things? Ya, I suppose. I know that Kim interprets all of this anxiety as evidence that I'm reconsidering my decision to move with her. But that's not it at all. I am truly 110% positive that I'm making the right decision. Is there a part of me that's afraid things won't work out between us? ya...there is. But I'm not going to make my decisions based on fear. I see a wonderful life with Kim and I'm definitely not willing to risk missing out on that because of a fear of being hurt.
So, what other things am I afraid of? Well...lately I feel like my family is angry with me...mostly my mother and grandmother. They tend to be a little passive aggressive. Guilt mongers is more like it. And the more upset they are...the more irrational they become. This is a difficult thing for me to do...change EVERYTHING in my life. I wish I could feel more supported by them...I wish that I felt good wishes and hopefulness coming my way...instead of bushels full of maternal, catholic-bread guilt. Those catholic mothers...no one's better at the guilt thing than they are. I'm afraid my niece and nephews won't remember me. I'm afraid my sister Kathy is going to have kids and they won't know me.
I know, I know...We'll keep in touch and visit and all of that. And I keep reassuring myself of all of those realities. Nevertheless, I am afraid.
Every once in a while, little realities will hit me...about how close it is to me actually moving. I got a job offer this week. Not one that I want to accept..but still. I have 3 interviews this week...and I just have this feeling that I'll take one of those positions. Then I'll have to turn in my notice at work..and of course I'm afraid of them being angry with me...This all seems to go back to my desire to please others. It's completely ridiculous. Like noone has ever turned in their notice before. It's as if I'm feeling guilty. It's quite irrational of me. Guess it's in the genes...?
Well anyway, it is exciting...as fearful as I am...it's exciting. I have some really cool job opportunities! And I think I'll really enjoy the city....the weather...building a life with Kim : ) It's quite overwhelming...everything I've been feeling and planning and doing. I just may be up all night thinking about it. It's been a while since I was alone long enough to fathom it all. This could be dangerous.
But don't worry...I'm not changing my mind. You're all gonna be stuck with me. For better or....better yet!