spanish christmas music, angst!
can you say what you want?
can you say what you want to be?
i almost cried today at 1:30. we were talking about life and tomistic theory and existentialism and trying so hard to be deep. and i felt kind of crushed by these big big theories and little standardized testing me. and when kimball was talking about how no one will know us in 50 years, or 100 years, and even people like lincoln - we know what they did, but we don't know them. and that was scary. i want to matter so badly. it's selfish and it's silly but i want to matter. i want people to know me and to remember me in fifty years, hell, in five years. ten. next week. it doesn't matter. i just want to know that if i fell off the face of the earth there would be a hole. that someone would notice. it's terribly selfish. but it's how i feel. that's what i feel like my goal is. to matter. but that's so vague and i don't know how it will happen. i mean there's 2000 kids in our school and i know what, 25% of them? that's what, an infintesimal fraction of the world population and they don't know my name. and even if they do, they don't know me. peter mentioned that this is why it's so important to get to know the few people you're close with deeply. he said to know their essence. i said their quirks. i think that's what it boils down to. quirks. i want to know your plans, and how involved in them i am.
we talked about how hard it is just to answer "what do you like to do?" and how i have no one passion. i don't have any passions, really. i have interests. but they're what, passing judgement on people's denim choices? critiquing baseball lineups and analyzing statistics? finding obscure music and keeping it a secret? none of that is earth shaking. none of that is even important. i just want to have a niche. i am so good at being acceptable at several things. being good enough to get by. i have no idea who i am or what i want to do. i'm 16 and i feel like i should know already. decide right now. plan out everything. i just want to be happy in the long run. i'm happy in the short term. i'm fine, i'm completely content. it's just when i start thinking about a year, two years, down the road that i get uneasy.jesus. that was full of angst. i apologize.
on a lighter note!
psat scores (kind of) came back - and they were worth waiting for, i suppose! i think i might land some scholarships and that's exciting. my mom is proud and my dad is completely indifferent. ha! i feel fulfilled?
it went like this.
mother: "kelly, i told your dad about your psat scores!"
me: "yeah?"
dad: "yeah big surprise."
mother: "i told him you did really well!"
dad: "well we were expecting you to."
whatever. i will save them money for tuition and then we'll see who's proud.
can you say what you want to be?
i almost cried today at 1:30. we were talking about life and tomistic theory and existentialism and trying so hard to be deep. and i felt kind of crushed by these big big theories and little standardized testing me. and when kimball was talking about how no one will know us in 50 years, or 100 years, and even people like lincoln - we know what they did, but we don't know them. and that was scary. i want to matter so badly. it's selfish and it's silly but i want to matter. i want people to know me and to remember me in fifty years, hell, in five years. ten. next week. it doesn't matter. i just want to know that if i fell off the face of the earth there would be a hole. that someone would notice. it's terribly selfish. but it's how i feel. that's what i feel like my goal is. to matter. but that's so vague and i don't know how it will happen. i mean there's 2000 kids in our school and i know what, 25% of them? that's what, an infintesimal fraction of the world population and they don't know my name. and even if they do, they don't know me. peter mentioned that this is why it's so important to get to know the few people you're close with deeply. he said to know their essence. i said their quirks. i think that's what it boils down to. quirks. i want to know your plans, and how involved in them i am.
we talked about how hard it is just to answer "what do you like to do?" and how i have no one passion. i don't have any passions, really. i have interests. but they're what, passing judgement on people's denim choices? critiquing baseball lineups and analyzing statistics? finding obscure music and keeping it a secret? none of that is earth shaking. none of that is even important. i just want to have a niche. i am so good at being acceptable at several things. being good enough to get by. i have no idea who i am or what i want to do. i'm 16 and i feel like i should know already. decide right now. plan out everything. i just want to be happy in the long run. i'm happy in the short term. i'm fine, i'm completely content. it's just when i start thinking about a year, two years, down the road that i get uneasy.jesus. that was full of angst. i apologize.
on a lighter note!
psat scores (kind of) came back - and they were worth waiting for, i suppose! i think i might land some scholarships and that's exciting. my mom is proud and my dad is completely indifferent. ha! i feel fulfilled?
it went like this.
mother: "kelly, i told your dad about your psat scores!"
me: "yeah?"
dad: "yeah big surprise."
mother: "i told him you did really well!"
dad: "well we were expecting you to."
whatever. i will save them money for tuition and then we'll see who's proud.