(no subject)
This darkness crept over me a couple weeks ago. A heaviness, that pushed so hard at times I could scarely breath. Moments when I couldn't pray. Moments where I couldn't think about God and the blessing he's given me. Like a black cloud that somehow filled the sky leaving my world dark and very very empty. My life feels sinful because the lack of joy I can find...
You know what's sad? I'm sitting here tonight and I can't remember the last time I was truly happy with my life. Where everything seemed to fit into place. Where my heart didn't ache every day like it does now. Happiness... The memories seem vague now but I can still see meeting Casey for the first time. Things were good then. School was good, life was good, family was good (and was alive), friends were good. Little did I know at that time God was transitioning me. It was during that time God was moving me from Tytus to Monroe first church of God which ultimately led me to Journey church years later. I felt God, I knew what he wanted me to be, what he wanted me to do and where to go. I felt him. Gosh has it really been 6 years since I remember being truly happy? Where things wasn't falling in around me? Not to say I haven't smiled, or haven't laughed or been in some form of happiness. But truly happy. When I could laugh and not have something deeper crying.
I'll never forget the day Casey told me he chose Lindsay. Or the day he got married. Being raped by a man I thought cared about me, then blaming myself for years. Blowing out my knee and being off work for 3 months with no income just after buying a house. Sitting at my grandmother's bedside as she was suddenly taken from us. Only just a few months later to become a primary caregiver to my dying grandfather who I loved more than anything in this world. I had heart surgery the day they found out he had cancer. During the stress of everything at the age of 22 I find something wrong with my heart. The thing that keeps me alive. A stress and a worry beyond the pain it inflicts for the rest of my life. I know it hurt the day papaw died. I can still feel him pat my head just before he died. I ache for him daily. To have someone love me again like he did. Marc was thrown in the mix somewhere in all of that. To be dating a man and think everything was fine, only for him to never pick up his phone again. Never even saying why. I met dave in march of 07 and I quickly fell for him. Our relationship was rocky from the start and it kept me tore up more than I realized. In june I lost my last grandparent making the total of 3 in a years time. Again so much of it was placed on my shoulders. Some by choice, some by necessity. I wouldn't change it but it made it harder. The 3am phone call that my mom was having a stroke. The fear that grips you at the thought of losing a parent. You know I think I knew all during that time that dave didn't love me. Not really. At the time I didn't see it but I think the unhappiness deep down told me. But nothing has ever felt the way it did when he walked into my home that day and told me he never loved me. The man I was going to marry in just a few months looked at me and said every fear any woman ever feels. That she was not loved, not desired, not enough. That she was an obligation that could no longer be filled. When his hands shoved me away they felt like bricks against me. I hate him now. I want him to be alone and miserable...not the other way around. Watching my dad get sick and seeing his almost lifeless body being taken out on a stretcher. Dating but never finding someone who can't me leave me..even if they want to. I'm never enough. I'm never worth sticking around for. And what kills me the most is they make these decisions that involve me and never give a damn how its going to effect me. Or include me in the decision making. I get tossed aside so easily as if I truly am disposable. I've lost many friends over the years. Some without real cause, some by marriages, some by death, and some by choice. Its like a revolving door where people keep getting out but I stay stuck inside. Even now I find myself dealing with depression when I'm with certin friends. Not caused by them by any means but yet its there. And I feel a loss. Cause I can't find joy in them. People who love me and would do any for me leaves me feeling alone and empty. I don't want to lose them but how can I keep feeling those feelings? For over a year I hated my job and it was one thing after another. I've been plagued with migrains. I end up in the hospital, not only not finding a cure but getting overdosed by medical professionals and almost dying. Do you know what its like to only remember spending the day with your dead grandparents and going with them to Heaven? to wake up and hear you almost lost your life, but you also told secrets you had tried so hard to keep. To then blame yourself on how those secrets effected the life of those you love? And finally to top it all off I freakin' tore my calf muscle. yet another thing for people to look at and say "look what happened to her now". Thing after thing after thing after thing has happened over the past few years I'm writing them now not to dwell on them but for the fact I have bottled it up inside for so long and they have to come out. I can't take them anymore. I can't handle them inside anymore. They have all combined into this heaviness that I'm feeling. They've created a shell of me. One that cries herself to sleep at night. One that longs for long but can't seem to find it. One that wants to laugh till I cry not laugh to keep from crying.
I've been in counseling since October. I was very resistant at first. But I have found it freeing. To work through feeling...a step beyond that, to even recognize those feelings. Sometimes he asks hard questions though. This week I actually left feeling worse after I left than before I went in. Somehow the feelings of being so easily left...feeling disposable surfaced. And when I am left why I'm never included in that decision. He asked me this week to look at the reasons why someone might want to leave me, and why they don't feel they can bring me into that decision making process. Sadly its easy to come up with a list longer than this blog of everything wrong with me. Maybe its a self defense mode. If I think these things, when people do it won't hurt as bad. My favorite song is kenny Chesney's song Me and You. I was listening to it in my car this week and hear a line I hadn't really paid attention to before it says. "Every day, I need you even more,and the night time too. There's no way I could ever let you go. Even if I wanted to." Why is it the opposite with me? Why am I so easily left? Not wanted? Don't tell me cause I haven't met the right person yet or that they wasn't true friends anyways. I know that. But put yourself in my shoes and the feelings that come along with that and answer the question from my eyes. To have it happen not once, not twice not even three times but over and over and over again. I can't help but blame myself. To believe my list of everything that's wrong with me. I need to hear that I'm needed and wanted. But I feel like an obligation....an obligation to everyone in my life. That even if they are sticking around that I'm a burden to them. That I'm the girl that always has something wrong. That they need to take care of. Don't you think I know that it has to get old for them? That its just another reason to lose the only people I have?
I know God loves me. And I know I'm ok with Him. Even now when I'm having trouble seeking him. Even when I find myself blaming him I know he loves me. I have found myself repenting over and over recently because I haven't been the put together Christian that can look at life and all its troubles and see God. One that is patient for God's timing. But I'm here tonight to admit I need prayer. I'm dealing with a depression I don't know how to handle anymore. I'll be honest there are moments I find myself not caring if I lived or died anymore. Sometimes I think the world would be a better place without me. That people's lives would be easier. I'm admitting I'm having trouble finding God right now. He seems so distance. I pray and I read my bible, and I don't know if its me or i'm doing something wrong but I don't feel Him. I feel alone and lost. I feel like every time I start to find happiness it gets taken away just as quickly as it started. I need to feel happy again. I don't want to fake it anymore. Yes there is always going to be trials. Yes life isn't fair or easy. But I need a blessing. I need to recognize what I have instead of them being clouded. Pray for me please....I don't know what else to do.
Its funny, I've had my bible open and my worship music playing as I write this. Seeking God along with my meltdown. Crowder's song "All I can say" just came on.
"Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while
Chorus:
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give, thats my everything
And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down
Chorus:
And this is all that I can say right now, i know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah thats my everything.
This is all that I can say right now [right now], i know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah thats my everything.
Bridge:
I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet
And this is all that I can say right now, oh i know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah thats my everything.
This is all that I can say right now [right now], i know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah thats my everything.
And this is all that I can say right now, oh i know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah thats my everything.
yeah thats my everything [2x]
everything........
maybe I should have just written those lyrics an hour ago and been done with it...cause really it says it all, doesn't it? Minus the specifics its a heart crying out to God...just as mine is.
~K~
You know what's sad? I'm sitting here tonight and I can't remember the last time I was truly happy with my life. Where everything seemed to fit into place. Where my heart didn't ache every day like it does now. Happiness... The memories seem vague now but I can still see meeting Casey for the first time. Things were good then. School was good, life was good, family was good (and was alive), friends were good. Little did I know at that time God was transitioning me. It was during that time God was moving me from Tytus to Monroe first church of God which ultimately led me to Journey church years later. I felt God, I knew what he wanted me to be, what he wanted me to do and where to go. I felt him. Gosh has it really been 6 years since I remember being truly happy? Where things wasn't falling in around me? Not to say I haven't smiled, or haven't laughed or been in some form of happiness. But truly happy. When I could laugh and not have something deeper crying.
I'll never forget the day Casey told me he chose Lindsay. Or the day he got married. Being raped by a man I thought cared about me, then blaming myself for years. Blowing out my knee and being off work for 3 months with no income just after buying a house. Sitting at my grandmother's bedside as she was suddenly taken from us. Only just a few months later to become a primary caregiver to my dying grandfather who I loved more than anything in this world. I had heart surgery the day they found out he had cancer. During the stress of everything at the age of 22 I find something wrong with my heart. The thing that keeps me alive. A stress and a worry beyond the pain it inflicts for the rest of my life. I know it hurt the day papaw died. I can still feel him pat my head just before he died. I ache for him daily. To have someone love me again like he did. Marc was thrown in the mix somewhere in all of that. To be dating a man and think everything was fine, only for him to never pick up his phone again. Never even saying why. I met dave in march of 07 and I quickly fell for him. Our relationship was rocky from the start and it kept me tore up more than I realized. In june I lost my last grandparent making the total of 3 in a years time. Again so much of it was placed on my shoulders. Some by choice, some by necessity. I wouldn't change it but it made it harder. The 3am phone call that my mom was having a stroke. The fear that grips you at the thought of losing a parent. You know I think I knew all during that time that dave didn't love me. Not really. At the time I didn't see it but I think the unhappiness deep down told me. But nothing has ever felt the way it did when he walked into my home that day and told me he never loved me. The man I was going to marry in just a few months looked at me and said every fear any woman ever feels. That she was not loved, not desired, not enough. That she was an obligation that could no longer be filled. When his hands shoved me away they felt like bricks against me. I hate him now. I want him to be alone and miserable...not the other way around. Watching my dad get sick and seeing his almost lifeless body being taken out on a stretcher. Dating but never finding someone who can't me leave me..even if they want to. I'm never enough. I'm never worth sticking around for. And what kills me the most is they make these decisions that involve me and never give a damn how its going to effect me. Or include me in the decision making. I get tossed aside so easily as if I truly am disposable. I've lost many friends over the years. Some without real cause, some by marriages, some by death, and some by choice. Its like a revolving door where people keep getting out but I stay stuck inside. Even now I find myself dealing with depression when I'm with certin friends. Not caused by them by any means but yet its there. And I feel a loss. Cause I can't find joy in them. People who love me and would do any for me leaves me feeling alone and empty. I don't want to lose them but how can I keep feeling those feelings? For over a year I hated my job and it was one thing after another. I've been plagued with migrains. I end up in the hospital, not only not finding a cure but getting overdosed by medical professionals and almost dying. Do you know what its like to only remember spending the day with your dead grandparents and going with them to Heaven? to wake up and hear you almost lost your life, but you also told secrets you had tried so hard to keep. To then blame yourself on how those secrets effected the life of those you love? And finally to top it all off I freakin' tore my calf muscle. yet another thing for people to look at and say "look what happened to her now". Thing after thing after thing after thing has happened over the past few years I'm writing them now not to dwell on them but for the fact I have bottled it up inside for so long and they have to come out. I can't take them anymore. I can't handle them inside anymore. They have all combined into this heaviness that I'm feeling. They've created a shell of me. One that cries herself to sleep at night. One that longs for long but can't seem to find it. One that wants to laugh till I cry not laugh to keep from crying.
I've been in counseling since October. I was very resistant at first. But I have found it freeing. To work through feeling...a step beyond that, to even recognize those feelings. Sometimes he asks hard questions though. This week I actually left feeling worse after I left than before I went in. Somehow the feelings of being so easily left...feeling disposable surfaced. And when I am left why I'm never included in that decision. He asked me this week to look at the reasons why someone might want to leave me, and why they don't feel they can bring me into that decision making process. Sadly its easy to come up with a list longer than this blog of everything wrong with me. Maybe its a self defense mode. If I think these things, when people do it won't hurt as bad. My favorite song is kenny Chesney's song Me and You. I was listening to it in my car this week and hear a line I hadn't really paid attention to before it says. "Every day, I need you even more,and the night time too. There's no way I could ever let you go. Even if I wanted to." Why is it the opposite with me? Why am I so easily left? Not wanted? Don't tell me cause I haven't met the right person yet or that they wasn't true friends anyways. I know that. But put yourself in my shoes and the feelings that come along with that and answer the question from my eyes. To have it happen not once, not twice not even three times but over and over and over again. I can't help but blame myself. To believe my list of everything that's wrong with me. I need to hear that I'm needed and wanted. But I feel like an obligation....an obligation to everyone in my life. That even if they are sticking around that I'm a burden to them. That I'm the girl that always has something wrong. That they need to take care of. Don't you think I know that it has to get old for them? That its just another reason to lose the only people I have?
I know God loves me. And I know I'm ok with Him. Even now when I'm having trouble seeking him. Even when I find myself blaming him I know he loves me. I have found myself repenting over and over recently because I haven't been the put together Christian that can look at life and all its troubles and see God. One that is patient for God's timing. But I'm here tonight to admit I need prayer. I'm dealing with a depression I don't know how to handle anymore. I'll be honest there are moments I find myself not caring if I lived or died anymore. Sometimes I think the world would be a better place without me. That people's lives would be easier. I'm admitting I'm having trouble finding God right now. He seems so distance. I pray and I read my bible, and I don't know if its me or i'm doing something wrong but I don't feel Him. I feel alone and lost. I feel like every time I start to find happiness it gets taken away just as quickly as it started. I need to feel happy again. I don't want to fake it anymore. Yes there is always going to be trials. Yes life isn't fair or easy. But I need a blessing. I need to recognize what I have instead of them being clouded. Pray for me please....I don't know what else to do.
Its funny, I've had my bible open and my worship music playing as I write this. Seeking God along with my meltdown. Crowder's song "All I can say" just came on.
"Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while
Chorus:
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give, thats my everything
And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down
Chorus:
And this is all that I can say right now, i know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah thats my everything.
This is all that I can say right now [right now], i know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah thats my everything.
Bridge:
I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet
And this is all that I can say right now, oh i know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah thats my everything.
This is all that I can say right now [right now], i know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah thats my everything.
And this is all that I can say right now, oh i know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah thats my everything.
yeah thats my everything [2x]
everything........
maybe I should have just written those lyrics an hour ago and been done with it...cause really it says it all, doesn't it? Minus the specifics its a heart crying out to God...just as mine is.
~K~