All I Can Do. Yoshiki, Yoshiki...
I often wonder, where do little wonders come from.. and where do they go? What is a miracle, in the first place. I understand life in its ways and means but some things are purely… undescribable. He is just...
When a miracle happens - which is the only time to see its mechanism clearly, functioning, and be able to read it and understand it, you always let it slip away being dazzled by the moment. Just what recently happened to me.
I reached Yoshiki Hayashi, and am now working on a demotape for him.
For as much as calling Yoshiki on the phone, I will not disclose details. There were complications calling him in LA… Which is only natural, given the scale of this. I called a second time, in his office in his studio in Hollywood. I had… a kind of a hard time getting along with his secretary and assistant Nicole, who was rather impolite - but it's understandable, she's good at her job. However, I managed to get some of the needed information. And so, yes, now I am doing a project, custom composing and performing/recording for Yoshiki and Extasy Records.
What would success bring… look at Dir en Grey, for example. Although being honest, this isn't really the fame and shine I'm doing it for, although I was already blamed a number of times all I want is to "use" Yoshiki and become famous. This really isn't it. It's far beyond that. It's aesthetic, it's spirit. No, it's no love interest either, don't get it this way either. It's a bond in art and philosophy, something exquisite and so delicate it borders with fair and sheer heavenly transparency. I don't think it's something that can be explained.
Technically, though, it's so more prosaic and workaday. If.. he approves, I will have to sign a contract, and record - for which I will have to go to LA. And for which on his turn, Yoshiki will be covering the finances.
Now I'm putting off everything I had on schedule for August. Removing old sites as well, of course… I'm taking it in a fashion and extend making it bound to happen. I lay down everything in this. It's a chance of a lifetime, synchronized morphing, ascension! I need to be concentrated and dedicated fully so I would also like to apologize to all my friends… to all the people I used to talk to, for not being very talkative lately… for what seems as neglecting - I will never forget any of them, since they made most of the me what I am today, helped me be what I am and still going strong even after all I've been through. I am hopeful, and positive, although confused how much of Yoshiki I have to yet learn… but I can, I can fly now. Who said people can't fly? They can - AMBITION is their wings. And even though I'm more to believe it really wouldn't interest Yoshiki himself… now I have proof I can go as far and as high as I want, as long as I believe in my ambition and dedication. Even if not exactly Yoshiki… now I see there is future - of all sorts and colours. All I can do - be boundless. It is stressing.. but it is only because things happened so fast.
Believe it or not, this is the extraordinary life of a rising indie. Amazing coincidences as well, though… I see I am, in a way, heading the same path as him. But with all my respect, I won't debate the matter in this direction further. It is only a detail adding to the possible understanding, together with the sign - this was something I have never aimed at. As a matter of fact, never even suspected I'd come to one day. What do I mean by sign? In life, chances and success usually occur in situations or circumstances you've never fought for achieving - or, haven't been your actual aim. Just like now. It happened… and now there's the result. It came out of the blank, random necessity. And who knows?... This might be my fate.
At moments it almost makes me feel like I know what the meaning of life is... while at others distresses me so much I just want to drink and drink until I just die.
And even though… what do I owe this far to? I just have two of the most important qualities for it - I'm persistent and dedicated. But let's see if I'll be able to manage achieving the exact necessary equilibrium, balance this persistance and dedication right.
It's something amazing… divine… and harder than any words can describe.
The "art of life"! And ah, isn't it beautiful!!!
系夜.
(Article initially published at my DeviantART)
I'll make sure to update with records on research and development, thoughts, etc.
Things keep happening but this journal will remain only second to my Japanese diary in the innermostness of writing. Now, Yoshiki too, gives me a reason and understanding for being open to people no matter how much I wish to hide away right now.