I-complex
The least common multiple = GOOD.
Sometimes good things happen to close people to you. Sometimes you prove a leech by getting the needed best in your values from it. And furthermore, an emotional water leech. When you realize you hurt ones important to you because you need something in the complex of what you've hurt them with. Awesome. It's like getting a thorn out of your foot. Or ass, whichever you prefer. But let's say the thorn has a cord attached to it deeper in the flesh. Pulling it out means pulling the string as well. Hurtey, you just can't get it out. Even if the thorn is. And you realize it hurts and hurts others to watch you do that but can't do anything about it but say nothing and go on.
Same situation with the I-complex case. Or how my mother's boyfriend became partially mine too. Just to the technical extend of the mechanical things needed to fix me. My depressions, at least.
I promised I'll talk about him in detail. And so I'll do now. Because, you know, he proved to be a complete beta version of Közi. If you have the flair for sensing it, though. It's not obvious or noticable at first, or at the surface. But in interaction, things start showing out from the edgings.
To clear out the major issues I get because of this from other people at first, though, because I hate things being harassed the most cynical way - being misunderstood. So, to prevent damn hassle of misunderstanding, first, it's nothing solved because I got a boyfriend - he's not my boyfriend, and I don't need one in the first place; I'm after Közi and nothing changes that. Besides, I piss off from the boyfriend things. It's childish and annoying. I-factor knows my approach to him, and to Közi and shows understanding about that I hate boyfriend twaddle; and tolerance for hearing "MFG, great!.. but you're not Közi." all the time. Second, blame him for the things further as much as you want. It's not his fault, it's mine. So it loses its sense totally. Besides, even if he has some tentacle of guilth in the whole pond, he knows what he's doing and he's not some unstable kid, as the impression most people remained with. For the least, he's almost 30.
That's the lesson. Onto the nice things.
I don't know how it all began, actually. I just went there, met him and everything. I admit that he really surpassed my expectations, though. When I saw him at the station I really just didn't want to admit that's THE I-factor. Was too cool to be true. But, well, it was him, lol.
And so on, like I said in my previous entry, I liked him. Just as a friend or something, nothing else. But how the damn did I start to get attached, beats me. When I wrote that last time, things were still a mess and I was feeling like a broken glass on a staned-glass window. Not exatly not fitting but.. I don't know, like, something unwillingly refusing to be inside somewhere where they want it. I think he started to get attached to me before I did.
We spent a lot of time at night talking at the kitchen table. It was like a mourning family reuinion, duh. But I told them, especially him since my mother knows it already, the whole story. Everything the way it is regarding Közi and so on. Guess, were stunned. Shocked, to be precise. Yet another person who just stared at some table cover ornament speechless. What could he possibly say. I don't know for what reason, maybe because my mom's talked to him about me a lot, or something else, or whether it be that he saw how close we are with her and what all that brought us to or just felt sympathy, I don't know, but I believe he felt it, too and unintentionally started to get attached to me for the sake of fixing all that shocking amount of depression in my little head. He even made me eat again later on. Which, believe me, is an achievement.
Things progressed, days went on. They managed to keep me distracted, kept kidding about all the Közi things and so on, gradually making me somehow postive without me feeling it at first. We went out, met peopole, etc. etc. etc.; of course, had boring times when I cried or all the major problem struck me again.. but generally, this was just in the evenings when they two went to bed. Because, you know, it hurts to know you can't go to bed with Közi. Or make him coffee in the morning. But those moments passed fast in thinking anyhow. I don't really remember a lot of the first week because I didn't feel any varietivity in it or something. I just didn't feel a thing. Just the problems and obsticle issues I had regarding Közi and all. But it happened. The day before the day I had to leave.
I went like insane. Everything that I was supposed to feel during that whole first week I was there came to me at an instant altogether. Imagine it. How could I damn leave! It was like waking up.
So, bunch of people got bothered to be noted that Kei won't be here and there for the next week either because she's staying an extra week. Shock to friends and family here but they got over it. I'm not that important, I think.
The second week was LIFE. And so I decided to admit I'm attached to I-factor and we both could start working on clearing issues. Unrealizingly. I don't really know how exactly, or what exactly we did but I know I had some kind of pseudo-fun from time to time. Thank goodness mom's tolerant because she saw where things were heading. I didn't mean it, though.. She knows that because during the times, we had some issues and controvercies namely on the mater but in the end, she had to stand sharing. Just a bit.
From talking to touching. I guess that's how things with Közi would go as well. I-factor has quite a Köziesque manner of thinking and similar likes as to style and such. He's a very liberal person and doesn't refrain from showing it. Although he's an engineer, he has a lot of artsyness in his imagination. Especially when I start talking to him about how to mix mechanics and art or desribe him things like that I imagine or works of the sort I've seen (eg. Etsuko Miura) and so on. I don't know who of us two is more contrageous to the other, haha.
He likes jedi, manga and PC games. Sleep-o-maniac and not knowing to what an extend he's gay. I personally think that even if this all appears like a total confused person at first, when combined and aligned with his own personal margins of style as to the package called manners, expressing, interests, etc. it's something fantastic. He's pretty cool. Even if his lifestyle is totally common, his inner person is very unique.
Which is one among the best things, is that he has some fetishes there. For example, he totally loves to dress up in my clothes. Let me remember something he hasn't put on yet, haha. Strange thing is, all my dresses or anything fit him fine. Go pop, Mana. We still haven't tried the complete set, though, like, wigs, make-up.. that'll probably happen in the summer when I go there for some whole months.
Due to everything we had fun with and everything he did for me, like, putting off important business meetings and such just to be able to stay at home so we can talk, I really miss him now. I can't even look at the clothes of mine he wore and such. It's.. strange. In the next moment I feel terribly eager to put that on and wear, wear, wear it. There's still his scent on my blouses, damn it! He smells nice. Of some kind version of cute elitism. How not to miss that, sheesh...
Somehow, they fit with Közi. Trust me, if they were both gay and met, they'd surely get to be a couple. This is actually another strange effect that occured. Everyone would suppose that I found a boyfriend like Közi and I should've already totally beaten him out of my head. But, no. I-factor isn't a consolation prize or temporary eyewash either; he's very dear to me and I really value him for being a friend before all, but he doesn't replace Közi. Because they somehow compile. It's not replacement or shifting, it's some dull and numb kind of compatibility which makes everything even more amazing, and makes me believe I-factor is some beta-Közi.
And again, the way of thinking they have so much in common. I had a theory based on some recent calculations that Közi might possibly be born in 1973, which makes him 32 now, which is quite close to I-factor, and as psychology, very different from just a few years more, like I initially knew Közi was 1968. 36 and 32 differ a lot in men's psychology. Let's pray Közi is 1973, that chnges things drastically and postively for me. But I'm yet to look into it for proof and for further calculations based on scarce precisely dated times.
Another thing about it all is that.. well, it's rather a bad thing to think but still, since it makes me positive I'm sure if them two knew this, they'd sacrifice being hurt by it and be happy that I'm happy, even if it's bad. It's that I managed to somehow, in some terms, surpass my mother. I've always had problems with being too serious all the time and too mature, as well as all my feminine style and everything but I see that it attracts I-factor, obviously. Hence, it could potentially attarct Közi as well. I'm talking about if he's really with Minako. Minako and my mom are both women to the fullest, both are writers and both are weird in some strangely similar way. My mom could be some beta stereotype of what a Minako is. Just that Minako has the Japanese in it. Like I mentioned earlier, if Közi really is 1973, they're about the same age with I-factor and surely have the similar waves of thinking and age impulses. Which hence leads to the conclusion that it's almost 100% possible things would work the same way with Közi, including putting Minako in the background sometimes. All I need is a couple of weeks.. sheesh, ain't that a record. If there was some worldwide disaster, I'm sure it'd work even faster, lol.
It's strange. I know the things that used to bother me, the things that stood in my way of believing I'm of any potential interest to Közi are still there, but the point is, thanks to I-factor and all the things we did and all the things he told me and taught me, and everything we discussed and weighed properly, now I just know those depressions and distresses but I don't feel them.
I'm convinced and confident now of having my way with weird guys.
What I-factor did was amazing, something no-one else could do for over an year. I'm going there on May 5th again and coming back on 9th.. I hope I can talk to him about something I've been thinking then. I'm beginning to think he saved my life. I'm rather deciding against my suicidalistics and everything and I don't know, maybe I'll be still alive on May 30th. I hope things go along the same way again because it's very awesome and helps me a lot. Even if not with the problem straight, it gives me confidence and I get more faithful and positive I can achieve something about being with Közi after all. And, last but far from least, I made awesome friends.
Look at the picture. We're like made of sugar. Some bloody sugar, man, I miss him.