Revelation of uber-distress.
God, am I not confused, frustrated, messed up and.. a bit of panicking? Sure, why not. e_e
Maybe I should've left when I was supposed to, on April 9th. But I decided to stay one extra week and come back on the 16th. Long story, but in short...
I came here to visit my mother and so on. And all along, I knew she had a boyfriend. I have totally nothing against it, given the way our family has always been. Even if he's about 15-16 years younger than her, from what I see from aside as an impartial observer, they're having really actually cool and serious relation there. And he's really nice, too. Which makes me an impartial observer... to a certain extent.
Have you ever seen a film called "Arizona Dream"? Well, I'm playing in its second installment. +____+
It's really weird, though. Because it's not working that way exactly. I mean, I don't have any intentions towards him or anything. I consider him just a close friend, or even furthermore, like an elder brother. I am NOT after stealing my mother's boyfriend or any of the crap of the sort. It's just ridicilous, besides I've grown up for funky stuff like that. I'm showing tolerance and everything, although I admit it messes me up a lot because it makes me miss Közi even more. The only thing I wanted from them was no lovey-dovey stuff while I'm around. Otherwise they know they're dealing with a very ill person and do treat me with specific precautions.
The relations between us three here is very strange and complex, it's why I call the guy I-factor or I-complex. His name is Ivan otherwise. He's a very strange kind of person. Wish I had more time to describe him, he has a very common, yet different personality. He's a really good friend, even though the things been going on here have proved me that no-one certainly cares for anyone's emotionality. But that's very out of hand in the middle here, sorry, whatever.
I like him as a friend, even if he, too, doesn't show understanding about that story with Közi (sheesh, I should think of something to call it in short!). He at least tried, tho. He has some really interesting friends, even if none of them belongs to the subculture I'm growing so attached to. (Something I'll explain about some other time.) Lately, I'm being very hopeful about a certain opportunity I kinda see in one of them. One of them is a music programmer. I'm very keen on meeting him and if I could get to work with him on a part of the Közi-impressing plan (I know it sounds stupid like this, duh). But I haven't met him yet and seriously thinking, I don't think anything would work out anyhow.
I like I-factor, I admit. But it's strange how i'm not after him. It only works as a distraction, even in a bad way, from all this with Közi. Even if he's the perfect boyfriend and all, as I clearly see he's been always since December, very intelligent and sobre person, I'm still sticking to Közi. I admit it's a new experience and lifestyle this way but it's still not working. Even if he likes me, too. I know he's mom's boyfriend, and I see the way they are, have nothing against it, and have no intentions of barging in. It's just that everything I damn need is Közi. Even if i see that I-factor is way better than him as a person, I still love, need ans miss Közi to the fullest.
I feel like less coffee steered with lots of water. Same tasteless and watery situation. Gah. Even if now the mess is double, it still has a bright side. It kinda helps me reconsidering and re-esteeming things, thoughts, people, intentions and ways in some strange kind of way. Sadly, in the end... everything is the same and comes down to one thing. No matter how hard I try, no matter how far or high I try to go around, it always comes down to one single thing...
Közi.
Why am I panicking? Because lately I'm having terrible communication downtime and my plans are falling behind the deadlines and time as a whole. May 29th comes a lot faster than I expected but I guess when I come back I'll have a cogent reason to press things twice as hard... even though I know this is exactly the most wrong way to do it. I'm just as stubborn, but sometimes, you have to seriously press yourself when you want to plough the damn sea, duh. I still have my most recen plan in my mind, but I'm still afraid to share it. I'll discuss it with some people when I come back before I get it into action.
...In the end, why I decided to stay in such a mess. I don't know, for some reason, I'm growing immune to annoyances and upsetties and I really want to see what will come of it; plus I need some peace to work on some new natures I'm "training" which i decided come to me from the inside and it's like finding myself of a kind. Really stupid, I don't know why I'm doing it. Also, I needed more time to clear my head out about I-factor and some other things, and sort out the Reportage. And most of all... my father called the other day and told me that my PC got busted for some reason. On the one hand, I want to go back as fast as I can and fix it, but on the other... when I imagine all I'll be going through for and during it... I just wish this week never ends. But I guess I ought to hurry, though, because I really have just, like, a couple of months left to do something big about this with Közi and I seriously miss all the online activities I have since they're my only chance of getting anywhere in the first place.
Lastly, I'd like to apologize to kyohakukannen for not mailing her as I promised but I'm writing from an internet cafe right now and my time is really running short, I'll get cut off in a couple of minutes. Red, if you read this, though, you'll see what I kept meaning in the texts with things being a mess and so on. I'll keep texting, promise! *crosses fingers* And I want to tell everyone of the rest of my friends I really miss you but I'm trying hard to be a new person next time, I hope you understand and I hope it's even worth it all the struggle...
Damn it, I should have updated my Japanese blog as well, and my DA page, too... but what can I do when the computer here doesn't even have a simple Japanese text support! >.
Maybe I should've left when I was supposed to, on April 9th. But I decided to stay one extra week and come back on the 16th. Long story, but in short...
I came here to visit my mother and so on. And all along, I knew she had a boyfriend. I have totally nothing against it, given the way our family has always been. Even if he's about 15-16 years younger than her, from what I see from aside as an impartial observer, they're having really actually cool and serious relation there. And he's really nice, too. Which makes me an impartial observer... to a certain extent.
Have you ever seen a film called "Arizona Dream"? Well, I'm playing in its second installment. +____+
It's really weird, though. Because it's not working that way exactly. I mean, I don't have any intentions towards him or anything. I consider him just a close friend, or even furthermore, like an elder brother. I am NOT after stealing my mother's boyfriend or any of the crap of the sort. It's just ridicilous, besides I've grown up for funky stuff like that. I'm showing tolerance and everything, although I admit it messes me up a lot because it makes me miss Közi even more. The only thing I wanted from them was no lovey-dovey stuff while I'm around. Otherwise they know they're dealing with a very ill person and do treat me with specific precautions.
The relations between us three here is very strange and complex, it's why I call the guy I-factor or I-complex. His name is Ivan otherwise. He's a very strange kind of person. Wish I had more time to describe him, he has a very common, yet different personality. He's a really good friend, even though the things been going on here have proved me that no-one certainly cares for anyone's emotionality. But that's very out of hand in the middle here, sorry, whatever.
I like him as a friend, even if he, too, doesn't show understanding about that story with Közi (sheesh, I should think of something to call it in short!). He at least tried, tho. He has some really interesting friends, even if none of them belongs to the subculture I'm growing so attached to. (Something I'll explain about some other time.) Lately, I'm being very hopeful about a certain opportunity I kinda see in one of them. One of them is a music programmer. I'm very keen on meeting him and if I could get to work with him on a part of the Közi-impressing plan (I know it sounds stupid like this, duh). But I haven't met him yet and seriously thinking, I don't think anything would work out anyhow.
I like I-factor, I admit. But it's strange how i'm not after him. It only works as a distraction, even in a bad way, from all this with Közi. Even if he's the perfect boyfriend and all, as I clearly see he's been always since December, very intelligent and sobre person, I'm still sticking to Közi. I admit it's a new experience and lifestyle this way but it's still not working. Even if he likes me, too. I know he's mom's boyfriend, and I see the way they are, have nothing against it, and have no intentions of barging in. It's just that everything I damn need is Közi. Even if i see that I-factor is way better than him as a person, I still love, need ans miss Közi to the fullest.
I feel like less coffee steered with lots of water. Same tasteless and watery situation. Gah. Even if now the mess is double, it still has a bright side. It kinda helps me reconsidering and re-esteeming things, thoughts, people, intentions and ways in some strange kind of way. Sadly, in the end... everything is the same and comes down to one thing. No matter how hard I try, no matter how far or high I try to go around, it always comes down to one single thing...
Közi.
Why am I panicking? Because lately I'm having terrible communication downtime and my plans are falling behind the deadlines and time as a whole. May 29th comes a lot faster than I expected but I guess when I come back I'll have a cogent reason to press things twice as hard... even though I know this is exactly the most wrong way to do it. I'm just as stubborn, but sometimes, you have to seriously press yourself when you want to plough the damn sea, duh. I still have my most recen plan in my mind, but I'm still afraid to share it. I'll discuss it with some people when I come back before I get it into action.
...In the end, why I decided to stay in such a mess. I don't know, for some reason, I'm growing immune to annoyances and upsetties and I really want to see what will come of it; plus I need some peace to work on some new natures I'm "training" which i decided come to me from the inside and it's like finding myself of a kind. Really stupid, I don't know why I'm doing it. Also, I needed more time to clear my head out about I-factor and some other things, and sort out the Reportage. And most of all... my father called the other day and told me that my PC got busted for some reason. On the one hand, I want to go back as fast as I can and fix it, but on the other... when I imagine all I'll be going through for and during it... I just wish this week never ends. But I guess I ought to hurry, though, because I really have just, like, a couple of months left to do something big about this with Közi and I seriously miss all the online activities I have since they're my only chance of getting anywhere in the first place.
Lastly, I'd like to apologize to kyohakukannen for not mailing her as I promised but I'm writing from an internet cafe right now and my time is really running short, I'll get cut off in a couple of minutes. Red, if you read this, though, you'll see what I kept meaning in the texts with things being a mess and so on. I'll keep texting, promise! *crosses fingers* And I want to tell everyone of the rest of my friends I really miss you but I'm trying hard to be a new person next time, I hope you understand and I hope it's even worth it all the struggle...
Damn it, I should have updated my Japanese blog as well, and my DA page, too... but what can I do when the computer here doesn't even have a simple Japanese text support! >.