Why does this have to go on like this...
I haven't updated things for ages. It just gets more and more difficult for me to do anything with every passing day. Or get down to the computer... Even if I still go on with coming up with things. I haven't finished my Honey Vanity projects and I'm already thinking of a new, even bigger demo. God, he has to know, he just HAS to... To notice, accept, allow me into. I wish I knew a way how to get there.
I keep doing articles to kill the time. Add things in my Japanese blog every day. I'm currently finishing a magazine-like visual article on his exhibitionistic narcissism, something that brings me back to his past and the way he was back in Malice Mizer times. It so hurts to see him so changed now, so different... growing old and still... being indifferent to how alone he actually is, even if there are people around him. More than enough, and still... no-one really cares.
I honestly don't know what to do, who to turn to. I made a very hard decision yesterday - even that I know it goes nowhere and no-one reads it... I'm starting to write through that official form in the official site. What if someone does read those after all. Yoshihiro Asano, for example. Not that I have any hope that anyone does, or believe it or I'm being optimistic... I'm just so desperate I'd go out and shout it all over the streets if I knew there would be any use. I know I've read on sinergi's journal once that when she wrote from there for his last birthday she "got a reply of a sort" saying that they'll pass it on to him... But it could easily be just her making it up to look cool. I don't know.
I really wish he would know, in any way, my offer of doing a photosession of him in the beginning of April. Invite him to come over here and take him to that other place with the studio. April 1st is... only a week or so away... and I'm still nowhere. I've never been or felt worse in my life before. Mentally, emotionally and physically. I've never been so ill before. I don't have any choices left. I'm planning on turning to a Japanese embassy, actually. I hear things that make me rather positive about that the government has some interest to help people like me out... although I'm sure it'll go nowhere, just as everything I've been trying for the past year. And also, another part of the hard decision was... well, putting a very detailed reportage of everything I've been through + my current position on here and just wish someone would help me in some way. I know I've mentioned it before but since it got really long and all... I was rather deciding against posting it in the end. And especially knowing that no-one would care to read it, not mention do something about it. I know there are people who can. God, people who can fix everything for some ridicilous 20 minutes. But, sadly, I know no-one would ever care. What does the life of some individual somewhere in this world mean. What does the life of some other idividual mean, either - he makes show for the people and they enjoy it and that's all. What do they care about how he really feels.
I wish I could just forget him. As if he never existed. Cast him away, just like that... but it's too strong and extorting it would kill me even faster. Or believe that he's only a creation of my imagination... but I can't. Every day I wake up and see all kinds of news. How can I be imagining all those things and all those people talking about him? It's impossible. He's real.
And I have to be with him... at any cost. It's horrible living like this, not being sure whether you'll survive even to the next hour.
And this, everyone talking about this with that Minako. God, how I hate that woman. For crying out loud, what is she better than me with after all? Is she some superalien or some.. I don't know, some goddess or something? Of course not. She was a novelist...Big deal! I do a ton more things as well as writing, it's just that no-one cares. People are talking how lovely they looked together, that she was pretty, that they'd make a lovely couple... yeah sure, amazing, just great. Big fucking deal, I DON'T LIKE HER, damn it! She's ugly! -.- How Közi looked at her when she was around on videos, like, relaxed, and calm and so on, blah blah, people imagining damn things. I could easily say the same about the way he talked to that interviewer on the Radio Red Hot interview, ne?
I'm so pissed off with all those fangirls and those damn EOD things, and lives and so on. Közi deserves way better than that, come on! Playing in basements and old factories... yeah, sure, just great. Having to KICK people to stop pissing him off... what a wonderful audience. And even their sound at lives is horrid. If you're not some overobssessed EOD fangirl to have listened to the songs over and over until you're damn brainwashed, you can't get a thing of what the music's like from a live. And, of course, not to mention... the great Scapers and damn elitists. You know what happened? Before the Warshaw live, EOD had a carcrash! Közi hit a parking car. Wanna know why? Because some STUPID IDIOTS CLAIMING TO BE SO LOVING FANS STOOD IN THE DAMN WAY! I'd really like to see their faces if that was some more serious accident and.. I don't know, what if Közi went to a hospital or died or something. I bet those losers wouldn't show their faces even to the lavatory pan anymore. But they even dare HAVING FUN! with the case at Scape. Jesus, how can these people be so horribly annoying. And talking stuff about why his signature on some autographs last time was so shaky, say it's because he was drunk. Damn you, who told you it's because of that!? Do you know, or care what he really feels like? I know it's something far behind being drunk, damn it. He has issues and problems... such stuff. It's just so DAMN ANNOYING seeing people having FUN out of that someone isn't well with the health or has emotional distresses. Even if I understand it's supposed to be friendly and all, you know, it's still mean and annoying. Because, you know... really those people are no friends to Közi.
There just isn't a single thing going somewhere or having any positive perspective. Even online, like DeviantArt, for example. God, just why the heck did I have to go there. Being surrounded with so many people better than me, people who can go to a live, met him... Know a lot more than I do, even if I thought I know a lot. People I'll never get to the position of. It's terribly distressing like that. It's not about popularity or anything... it's just that it's yet another thing that proves I'm no good.
And... I can't go on living in montaged pictures, for god's sake! It's too pathetic... and hurts too much to see it like that, I mean, actually... in a way, yeah, us together there... and knowing it can never be real. And no-one even supporting me. I mean, it's not a big deal... a lot of people who did big things in history were not only not supported but even chased for what they're doing and hated and all... But, god, someone could've at least said we look nice together or something? Among each other, they keep melting over each other's pictures together with Közi and say what great couples they'd be.. and.. I'm just frozen in the shadows, just like always. It's not much.. but it helps, at least, makes you more optimistic somehow when you get told things like that. I never said it straight like this because I didn't want people starting to tell me stuff like that just because I told them to, you know? I just waited, wanted to see if they think it.. obviously, they don't. Whatever... It's not that I'm after exactly support. It's more like I just can't do anything on my own anymore. And I don't want to make a big thing in history, maybe the example I used above was a bit exagerrated... but yeah, after all, to an extend it fits because to me personally it's a big thing. At least, in my own history, ne? And.. well, I might have lost faith in everything else, I still believe in one thing - it would be a big thing in Közi's life, too. Emotionally. Even if I'm not after changing his way of life or anything, not at all, I'd never want such a thing; I still believe I could make him feel better... happier, somehow. Add good things to his life. I don't want to change anything in him or about him... I don't even want anything from him in return, either. I just want to be a part of his life and add good to it, and be there, not the fan thing because I'm not even a fan. I just want to be with him, make him feel fine, feel better. Is this so much to want? Is this so much to want from someone? If it's even wanting anything from him in the first place! I know he doesn't need it... but I'm sure no-one would refuse feeling better, especially when it's so... I don't know, so "free" if you want.
Something ought to be done... but I can't cope myself, I need some help. Some sort of contact, or recommendation.. anything like that. And I have the strange feeling that no-one really wants to help me, just say they can't and off afterwards. Not that they can't, no-one just wants to. You know, if someone really wnated, they'd think of something, right? Where there's a will, ne? I know I've been told that many times but... you see, sometimes, even if it's "where there's a will, there's a way" you get to some point you can't do anything by yourself any further. Even in fiction stories and fairytales and such. There's always someone or something, represented in a myriad of way, would it be some person, or some power, or some fairy... there's always that *something* that gives a hand. I have.. none of that. Wish there were fairies... but I'm too grown up to be stupid enough to believe some fairy would come and turn a pumpkin in a chariot. Life doesn't work that way.
I'm leaving again, on April 2nd so far decided. Going to visit my mother again, in that same place with the studio room. God, I so wish someone could tell me how to get Közi wind up to that photosession. I wanted to have him come here around March 30-31st, and then set off together by bus for that other place with the studio. I planned to not take him more than up to April 10th (I'm coming back then anyway). Whatever happens in that time, happens. He'd have at least a neat serie of pics to use for magazines and such. My idea was that it's still some process of work during which I'll have a load of time to talk to him and all, I guess you can figure out the importance of it.
I'm stuck. My father keeps pressing me with the date of the leaving to book a bus ticket. And how am I to tell him "Dad, book two, just in case"? He'll ask why, won't he? And what am I to tell him? I wish anyone could tell me how, or who to turn to... I don't know... what to do so that this reaches Közi, about the photosession, and to convince him into it. I don't want to go there alone again. Not a second time. Look at that room and see it'll never be used for the purpose I initially re-arranged it and created a studio out of it for. I just won't be able to bare it a second time. And really, after all.. what does he have to lose anyway? It's just a week! It would even be more like rather a vacation or holiday away from all the noise, lights and fangirls... just a good time to relax as well, I think. But I can't even get the offer to reach him.
...Damn you. I know no-one would say or do anything. Just as always.
I keep doing articles to kill the time. Add things in my Japanese blog every day. I'm currently finishing a magazine-like visual article on his exhibitionistic narcissism, something that brings me back to his past and the way he was back in Malice Mizer times. It so hurts to see him so changed now, so different... growing old and still... being indifferent to how alone he actually is, even if there are people around him. More than enough, and still... no-one really cares.
I honestly don't know what to do, who to turn to. I made a very hard decision yesterday - even that I know it goes nowhere and no-one reads it... I'm starting to write through that official form in the official site. What if someone does read those after all. Yoshihiro Asano, for example. Not that I have any hope that anyone does, or believe it or I'm being optimistic... I'm just so desperate I'd go out and shout it all over the streets if I knew there would be any use. I know I've read on sinergi's journal once that when she wrote from there for his last birthday she "got a reply of a sort" saying that they'll pass it on to him... But it could easily be just her making it up to look cool. I don't know.
I really wish he would know, in any way, my offer of doing a photosession of him in the beginning of April. Invite him to come over here and take him to that other place with the studio. April 1st is... only a week or so away... and I'm still nowhere. I've never been or felt worse in my life before. Mentally, emotionally and physically. I've never been so ill before. I don't have any choices left. I'm planning on turning to a Japanese embassy, actually. I hear things that make me rather positive about that the government has some interest to help people like me out... although I'm sure it'll go nowhere, just as everything I've been trying for the past year. And also, another part of the hard decision was... well, putting a very detailed reportage of everything I've been through + my current position on here and just wish someone would help me in some way. I know I've mentioned it before but since it got really long and all... I was rather deciding against posting it in the end. And especially knowing that no-one would care to read it, not mention do something about it. I know there are people who can. God, people who can fix everything for some ridicilous 20 minutes. But, sadly, I know no-one would ever care. What does the life of some individual somewhere in this world mean. What does the life of some other idividual mean, either - he makes show for the people and they enjoy it and that's all. What do they care about how he really feels.
I wish I could just forget him. As if he never existed. Cast him away, just like that... but it's too strong and extorting it would kill me even faster. Or believe that he's only a creation of my imagination... but I can't. Every day I wake up and see all kinds of news. How can I be imagining all those things and all those people talking about him? It's impossible. He's real.
And I have to be with him... at any cost. It's horrible living like this, not being sure whether you'll survive even to the next hour.
And this, everyone talking about this with that Minako. God, how I hate that woman. For crying out loud, what is she better than me with after all? Is she some superalien or some.. I don't know, some goddess or something? Of course not. She was a novelist...Big deal! I do a ton more things as well as writing, it's just that no-one cares. People are talking how lovely they looked together, that she was pretty, that they'd make a lovely couple... yeah sure, amazing, just great. Big fucking deal, I DON'T LIKE HER, damn it! She's ugly! -.- How Közi looked at her when she was around on videos, like, relaxed, and calm and so on, blah blah, people imagining damn things. I could easily say the same about the way he talked to that interviewer on the Radio Red Hot interview, ne?
I'm so pissed off with all those fangirls and those damn EOD things, and lives and so on. Közi deserves way better than that, come on! Playing in basements and old factories... yeah, sure, just great. Having to KICK people to stop pissing him off... what a wonderful audience. And even their sound at lives is horrid. If you're not some overobssessed EOD fangirl to have listened to the songs over and over until you're damn brainwashed, you can't get a thing of what the music's like from a live. And, of course, not to mention... the great Scapers and damn elitists. You know what happened? Before the Warshaw live, EOD had a carcrash! Közi hit a parking car. Wanna know why? Because some STUPID IDIOTS CLAIMING TO BE SO LOVING FANS STOOD IN THE DAMN WAY! I'd really like to see their faces if that was some more serious accident and.. I don't know, what if Közi went to a hospital or died or something. I bet those losers wouldn't show their faces even to the lavatory pan anymore. But they even dare HAVING FUN! with the case at Scape. Jesus, how can these people be so horribly annoying. And talking stuff about why his signature on some autographs last time was so shaky, say it's because he was drunk. Damn you, who told you it's because of that!? Do you know, or care what he really feels like? I know it's something far behind being drunk, damn it. He has issues and problems... such stuff. It's just so DAMN ANNOYING seeing people having FUN out of that someone isn't well with the health or has emotional distresses. Even if I understand it's supposed to be friendly and all, you know, it's still mean and annoying. Because, you know... really those people are no friends to Közi.
There just isn't a single thing going somewhere or having any positive perspective. Even online, like DeviantArt, for example. God, just why the heck did I have to go there. Being surrounded with so many people better than me, people who can go to a live, met him... Know a lot more than I do, even if I thought I know a lot. People I'll never get to the position of. It's terribly distressing like that. It's not about popularity or anything... it's just that it's yet another thing that proves I'm no good.
And... I can't go on living in montaged pictures, for god's sake! It's too pathetic... and hurts too much to see it like that, I mean, actually... in a way, yeah, us together there... and knowing it can never be real. And no-one even supporting me. I mean, it's not a big deal... a lot of people who did big things in history were not only not supported but even chased for what they're doing and hated and all... But, god, someone could've at least said we look nice together or something? Among each other, they keep melting over each other's pictures together with Közi and say what great couples they'd be.. and.. I'm just frozen in the shadows, just like always. It's not much.. but it helps, at least, makes you more optimistic somehow when you get told things like that. I never said it straight like this because I didn't want people starting to tell me stuff like that just because I told them to, you know? I just waited, wanted to see if they think it.. obviously, they don't. Whatever... It's not that I'm after exactly support. It's more like I just can't do anything on my own anymore. And I don't want to make a big thing in history, maybe the example I used above was a bit exagerrated... but yeah, after all, to an extend it fits because to me personally it's a big thing. At least, in my own history, ne? And.. well, I might have lost faith in everything else, I still believe in one thing - it would be a big thing in Közi's life, too. Emotionally. Even if I'm not after changing his way of life or anything, not at all, I'd never want such a thing; I still believe I could make him feel better... happier, somehow. Add good things to his life. I don't want to change anything in him or about him... I don't even want anything from him in return, either. I just want to be a part of his life and add good to it, and be there, not the fan thing because I'm not even a fan. I just want to be with him, make him feel fine, feel better. Is this so much to want? Is this so much to want from someone? If it's even wanting anything from him in the first place! I know he doesn't need it... but I'm sure no-one would refuse feeling better, especially when it's so... I don't know, so "free" if you want.
Something ought to be done... but I can't cope myself, I need some help. Some sort of contact, or recommendation.. anything like that. And I have the strange feeling that no-one really wants to help me, just say they can't and off afterwards. Not that they can't, no-one just wants to. You know, if someone really wnated, they'd think of something, right? Where there's a will, ne? I know I've been told that many times but... you see, sometimes, even if it's "where there's a will, there's a way" you get to some point you can't do anything by yourself any further. Even in fiction stories and fairytales and such. There's always someone or something, represented in a myriad of way, would it be some person, or some power, or some fairy... there's always that *something* that gives a hand. I have.. none of that. Wish there were fairies... but I'm too grown up to be stupid enough to believe some fairy would come and turn a pumpkin in a chariot. Life doesn't work that way.
I'm leaving again, on April 2nd so far decided. Going to visit my mother again, in that same place with the studio room. God, I so wish someone could tell me how to get Közi wind up to that photosession. I wanted to have him come here around March 30-31st, and then set off together by bus for that other place with the studio. I planned to not take him more than up to April 10th (I'm coming back then anyway). Whatever happens in that time, happens. He'd have at least a neat serie of pics to use for magazines and such. My idea was that it's still some process of work during which I'll have a load of time to talk to him and all, I guess you can figure out the importance of it.
I'm stuck. My father keeps pressing me with the date of the leaving to book a bus ticket. And how am I to tell him "Dad, book two, just in case"? He'll ask why, won't he? And what am I to tell him? I wish anyone could tell me how, or who to turn to... I don't know... what to do so that this reaches Közi, about the photosession, and to convince him into it. I don't want to go there alone again. Not a second time. Look at that room and see it'll never be used for the purpose I initially re-arranged it and created a studio out of it for. I just won't be able to bare it a second time. And really, after all.. what does he have to lose anyway? It's just a week! It would even be more like rather a vacation or holiday away from all the noise, lights and fangirls... just a good time to relax as well, I think. But I can't even get the offer to reach him.
...Damn you. I know no-one would say or do anything. Just as always.