(no subject)
I'm starting a livejournal. How about that? At first I was gonna let everybody know what I had for breakfast every day. Haha, I thought, that will be funny. People will laugh at the inanity of that, since, you know, livejournals are boring and pointless.
But wait, most people actually do post about what they ate for breakfast. The kind of toast they used, or if their peanut butter was a little too thick that morning. So maybe my livejournal wouldn't be funny at all. Maybe it would in fact be very very interesting, just like all the other livejournals out there. Maybe people would read it and leave me comments like "My toast was dry too" or "I like apple juice more than orange juice". That would be pretty gay.
So instead I thought, maybe I should make a livejournal about what happens after I eat breakfast -- namely, what my shit was like. Every time I took a shit I could log it in my livejournal, describing its various qualities and my overall satisfaction with the process. I could use little smiley or frowny faces to accompany my decision, in order to make it clear that constipation makes me unhappy while diarrhea also makes me unhappy. Haha, I thought! That would be funny!
That is not funny. That is disgusting. I'm definitely above that sort of thing. So I came up with a final solution: Kill all jews. All of them. Failing that, write a livejournal about what book I was reading while taking a shit. That seemed like a reviewing process worthy of livejournal. So a big thanks to lauralbaby for giving me a livejournal code. None of this would be possible without her.
Yesterday I took a shit around midnight, and took with me If Chins Could Kill, the autobiography of Bruce Campbell. I borrowed it from Stefan, and I ended up sitting on the toilet five or six minutes longer than I had to due to being caught up in reading it. Certainly not a great book by any stretch, not particularly in-depth or insightful, but man, it's impossible not to like Bruce Campbell. He's just a good guy, and his stories about how Sam Raimi insisted on putting his car in every movie they ever made was some good reading. I wouldn't say run right out and buy it, but if you're looking for a way to pass the time and you're a Bruce Campbell fan, you could do worse.
If you don't know who Bruce Campbell is or don't care for him as an actor, then don't read it, you fucking retard. That's just common sense.
While attempting to wash my hands after I had completed shitting, I found that our hot water pipes were frozen, so I had to use cold. Also, my ear is still kinda bothering me from the frostbite I got on Thursday morning.
Note: The above paragraph is an example of what not to write in your livejournal, ever. Nobody cares. The mundane details of your life aren't even interesting to you yourself, so there's no way they could be interesting to someone else. Maybe if you're a professional bukkake ninja who breaks into celebrity's houses with your clan and proceeds to ejaculate fiercely all over the rich and famous before making your escape, but you do it so often that it has become commonplace for you, that might be interesting to someone. The fact that your discman broke and you really wish it hadn't broke, that's not interesting to anybody. Not even your mother. Your mother thinks you're a boring fuck and secretly wishes for a more exciting son, and if you're a female that just makes her shame all the more powerful.
Join me again for more bathroom book reviews, and go update your livejournal. If you don't write about the small pain in your left shoulder right away, you might forget to do it later. Don't rob your readers of that information, you cruel cunt.
But wait, most people actually do post about what they ate for breakfast. The kind of toast they used, or if their peanut butter was a little too thick that morning. So maybe my livejournal wouldn't be funny at all. Maybe it would in fact be very very interesting, just like all the other livejournals out there. Maybe people would read it and leave me comments like "My toast was dry too" or "I like apple juice more than orange juice". That would be pretty gay.
So instead I thought, maybe I should make a livejournal about what happens after I eat breakfast -- namely, what my shit was like. Every time I took a shit I could log it in my livejournal, describing its various qualities and my overall satisfaction with the process. I could use little smiley or frowny faces to accompany my decision, in order to make it clear that constipation makes me unhappy while diarrhea also makes me unhappy. Haha, I thought! That would be funny!
That is not funny. That is disgusting. I'm definitely above that sort of thing. So I came up with a final solution: Kill all jews. All of them. Failing that, write a livejournal about what book I was reading while taking a shit. That seemed like a reviewing process worthy of livejournal. So a big thanks to lauralbaby for giving me a livejournal code. None of this would be possible without her.
Yesterday I took a shit around midnight, and took with me If Chins Could Kill, the autobiography of Bruce Campbell. I borrowed it from Stefan, and I ended up sitting on the toilet five or six minutes longer than I had to due to being caught up in reading it. Certainly not a great book by any stretch, not particularly in-depth or insightful, but man, it's impossible not to like Bruce Campbell. He's just a good guy, and his stories about how Sam Raimi insisted on putting his car in every movie they ever made was some good reading. I wouldn't say run right out and buy it, but if you're looking for a way to pass the time and you're a Bruce Campbell fan, you could do worse.
If you don't know who Bruce Campbell is or don't care for him as an actor, then don't read it, you fucking retard. That's just common sense.
While attempting to wash my hands after I had completed shitting, I found that our hot water pipes were frozen, so I had to use cold. Also, my ear is still kinda bothering me from the frostbite I got on Thursday morning.
Note: The above paragraph is an example of what not to write in your livejournal, ever. Nobody cares. The mundane details of your life aren't even interesting to you yourself, so there's no way they could be interesting to someone else. Maybe if you're a professional bukkake ninja who breaks into celebrity's houses with your clan and proceeds to ejaculate fiercely all over the rich and famous before making your escape, but you do it so often that it has become commonplace for you, that might be interesting to someone. The fact that your discman broke and you really wish it hadn't broke, that's not interesting to anybody. Not even your mother. Your mother thinks you're a boring fuck and secretly wishes for a more exciting son, and if you're a female that just makes her shame all the more powerful.
Join me again for more bathroom book reviews, and go update your livejournal. If you don't write about the small pain in your left shoulder right away, you might forget to do it later. Don't rob your readers of that information, you cruel cunt.