The Definition of Insanity
For lack of a better term, my adopted sister and I have broken up.
I still love her, still think the world of her, still consider her a friend, but she's no longer family - from here on out, I'm just a buddy.
For the record, it's my doing - I am the dumper, not the dumpee. And for the record, the failure of the relationship is my fault, I'm the one who screwed up, not the one who got screwed.
I have a lot of rules. One of my rules is "No one gets to intentionally hurt my feelings, no one gets to be intentionally mean to me;" another one of my rules is "Everyone gets a second chance; no one gets a third." I've been breaking those two rules for over a year, giving the adopted sister chance after chance after chance following some misunderstanding or miscommunication where her first response was to be just flat-out nasty. In my heart I know she's not a nasty person, that this is a defense mechanism built up over years of disappointment and abuse, so I justified not following the rules with "She's got a tough row to hoe - you know there's a wonderful person behind those defenses. Keep telling her, keep showing her she doesn't have to act this way." And I'd do my utmost to be the best brother I could be until the next time she ripped my ass, then start the justification process over again.
Last week she was nasty to me for no other reason than she was in a bad mood. Up until then, she'd only been mean when I'd said or done something accidently to hurt her feelings, her nastiness was in response to what her subconscious labeled an attack - irritating, but not unexpected given my dry wit, sarcastic voice and lack of tact. Last week was different: she was in a bad place, the world sucked, she was hurting and her response was to want to make someone else hurt, too. And there I was, trying to put a positive spin on everything, being all "Rah, rah, sis boom bah!" with my cheerleading, doing my utmost to tell her and show her she didn't need to act this way. After she ran off my Lady Fair by completely discounting my wife's life-long struggle with depression, and she condescendingly dismissed my hard-earned life-lesson with a wave of her hand and a "Whatever," I kicked her out of my house.
She emailed an apology, which I accepted, then I laid down the law: stop fighting me on trying to get her to drop the defenses, let the good person out for the world to see, stop giving me grief on being positive and let me be a cheerleader. Change or stay home. I then waited for a response, which I figured could be a while, I'd been uncharacteristically blunt and she had a major project underway.
My friend dying Sunday threw a wrench into those works. I didn't want to wait anxiously while she made up her mind, I was tired of the drama. I forced the issue and eventually got a very long, well-written email detailing why she was tired of me attempting to change her; that I'd been unfairly laying down ground rules for her to be in my life; that I was working to get her out of her shitty situation to make myself feel better; and that she never asked for me to assume a protective "Big Brother" role; and if I was going to demand that she change, the answer would be "No," whatever changes she made to herself and her life would be her choice and on her timetable, no one else's.
I don't know what she expected from the email - I don't know if she expected me to come to my senses and say "OMG! You're so right, I just never looked at it that way!" or if she expected me to argue she was completely off base, that's not what I was doing at all. I did neither - I said "Fine."
The email was almost flawless. Every point she made was right on the money, I didn't disagree with a thing she wrote - I was doing and had been doing everything she was accusing me of. She had every right to deny me because it was her life and her choice to make.
The only mistake she made was the reason why - working to get her out of her shitty situation to stop feeling shitty about her being in her shitty situation was never the objective, it was just a wonderful benefit: the goal was to stop her from being short-tempered, sarcastic, condescending and just flat-out mean. Because even though I'd seen the wonderful person behind the defenses and knew in my heart her intentions were to be a kind, loving, creative and imaginative sister, the woman in front of those defenses was a hateful, selfish bitch.
I have a lot of rules, and one of those rules is "I don't allow hateful, selfish bitches in my life." I'd been breaking that rule for over a year, too. I'd been breaking my rules for the sole purpose of keeping her in my heart. She explained in no uncertain terms she'd stop being a hateful, selfish bitch when she decided to, not because of any ultimatum of mine; so I decided it was time to stop breaking my rules.
She's smart, funny, and talented; loves Whedon, Felicia Day and Doctor Who. I don't want her out of my life, I'd like to keep her as a friend. I do still love her. But she can't be in my heart, she can't be my sister, not while she still thinks intentionally hurting people who love her is an acceptable response to a perceived slight.
And that was my choice. My doing. In her words, that's on me.
I still love her, still think the world of her, still consider her a friend, but she's no longer family - from here on out, I'm just a buddy.
For the record, it's my doing - I am the dumper, not the dumpee. And for the record, the failure of the relationship is my fault, I'm the one who screwed up, not the one who got screwed.
I have a lot of rules. One of my rules is "No one gets to intentionally hurt my feelings, no one gets to be intentionally mean to me;" another one of my rules is "Everyone gets a second chance; no one gets a third." I've been breaking those two rules for over a year, giving the adopted sister chance after chance after chance following some misunderstanding or miscommunication where her first response was to be just flat-out nasty. In my heart I know she's not a nasty person, that this is a defense mechanism built up over years of disappointment and abuse, so I justified not following the rules with "She's got a tough row to hoe - you know there's a wonderful person behind those defenses. Keep telling her, keep showing her she doesn't have to act this way." And I'd do my utmost to be the best brother I could be until the next time she ripped my ass, then start the justification process over again.
Last week she was nasty to me for no other reason than she was in a bad mood. Up until then, she'd only been mean when I'd said or done something accidently to hurt her feelings, her nastiness was in response to what her subconscious labeled an attack - irritating, but not unexpected given my dry wit, sarcastic voice and lack of tact. Last week was different: she was in a bad place, the world sucked, she was hurting and her response was to want to make someone else hurt, too. And there I was, trying to put a positive spin on everything, being all "Rah, rah, sis boom bah!" with my cheerleading, doing my utmost to tell her and show her she didn't need to act this way. After she ran off my Lady Fair by completely discounting my wife's life-long struggle with depression, and she condescendingly dismissed my hard-earned life-lesson with a wave of her hand and a "Whatever," I kicked her out of my house.
She emailed an apology, which I accepted, then I laid down the law: stop fighting me on trying to get her to drop the defenses, let the good person out for the world to see, stop giving me grief on being positive and let me be a cheerleader. Change or stay home. I then waited for a response, which I figured could be a while, I'd been uncharacteristically blunt and she had a major project underway.
My friend dying Sunday threw a wrench into those works. I didn't want to wait anxiously while she made up her mind, I was tired of the drama. I forced the issue and eventually got a very long, well-written email detailing why she was tired of me attempting to change her; that I'd been unfairly laying down ground rules for her to be in my life; that I was working to get her out of her shitty situation to make myself feel better; and that she never asked for me to assume a protective "Big Brother" role; and if I was going to demand that she change, the answer would be "No," whatever changes she made to herself and her life would be her choice and on her timetable, no one else's.
I don't know what she expected from the email - I don't know if she expected me to come to my senses and say "OMG! You're so right, I just never looked at it that way!" or if she expected me to argue she was completely off base, that's not what I was doing at all. I did neither - I said "Fine."
The email was almost flawless. Every point she made was right on the money, I didn't disagree with a thing she wrote - I was doing and had been doing everything she was accusing me of. She had every right to deny me because it was her life and her choice to make.
The only mistake she made was the reason why - working to get her out of her shitty situation to stop feeling shitty about her being in her shitty situation was never the objective, it was just a wonderful benefit: the goal was to stop her from being short-tempered, sarcastic, condescending and just flat-out mean. Because even though I'd seen the wonderful person behind the defenses and knew in my heart her intentions were to be a kind, loving, creative and imaginative sister, the woman in front of those defenses was a hateful, selfish bitch.
I have a lot of rules, and one of those rules is "I don't allow hateful, selfish bitches in my life." I'd been breaking that rule for over a year, too. I'd been breaking my rules for the sole purpose of keeping her in my heart. She explained in no uncertain terms she'd stop being a hateful, selfish bitch when she decided to, not because of any ultimatum of mine; so I decided it was time to stop breaking my rules.
She's smart, funny, and talented; loves Whedon, Felicia Day and Doctor Who. I don't want her out of my life, I'd like to keep her as a friend. I do still love her. But she can't be in my heart, she can't be my sister, not while she still thinks intentionally hurting people who love her is an acceptable response to a perceived slight.
And that was my choice. My doing. In her words, that's on me.