Samain
I've always had a thing for Samain. New celtic year,7 days out of time, this eery feeling of... what could it be? End of the world?
I think I must have posted a thousand times about a thousand end of the worlds. Damn, that's a lot of worlds to watch collapse, isn't it? When you think about it, it's not even necessarily a poetic way to say it, I was recently retracing my geo-biography, and well f*** me, I didn't even know I had been in half those places. I just remembered moving all the time. Like, every 2 days/week. To another part of the world. Another island, another bay, another language... so yes, a lot of little worlds ended. And then the big ones.
But you knwo what? This Samain has been different. Damn, it should be a real family reunion now, when you think about it, in the course of the last months I lost my 2 last grandparents, now together in the afterlife with my dad and my other grandparents. I'm starting to get at the head of the pyramid here, which generally means it's time to reproduce if you're a good evolutionary mammal, but that's another subject entirely.
Death upon death upon joy upon happiness upon physical pain upon mental tiredness upon satisfaction. What do you do with that?
A few days ago I would have said "keep calm and wait for the next turn". I've actually been thinking a lot about that next turn. It's one of my oldest personnal rule "never get too excited, you never know what comes after the next turn." I'm always a careful driver, yes.
But I was thinking the other day. My soon to be husband and I spend so much time saying "we"ve got everything to be happy. We're so lucky, it's incredible!", while clutching to each other for dear life and shivering in terror, basically.
We're always so convinced that we are going to get there... that we are never here. Why the hell can't we manage to be happy? Just fucking happy? Here and now, happy, fo fuck's sake!! What kind of broken people are we, or are we just too spoiled, or what?
All those wonderful things we have! Everything I always wished for, more or less! So what?
And then they died. My dear grandma who loved me so much. My dear grandpa who... was the last dominant male of my pride, I guess. And I cried, and cried, and couldn't get over it, and cried again.
And then came Samain. What happened? Is it because I rode my horse? Is it because we have now a nice house that we love? Is it because I cried and cried, this time, instead of joking about it and saving the drama for an ulterior safer moment?
Just as I rode up the field, I started to feel it. That feeling from ages ago, that feeling that it was ok. I didn't have to be afraid. It was ok, really. Here and now. all good.
So we went on a ride. It was good. And things went on. ANd holidays were over, so I went back to work, a bit worried about all the recent fuss with my friends, but on such an incredible day, with the sun, the heat...
And then all of a sudden, it was here. That feeling. I had to text Doudou at once, saying... you know what, I feel good. Free. Light. Like I did on these days when I was a lot younger and nothing could ruin the day.
I didn't say the world, out of a bit of pudor maybe, but there it was: unburdened.
It's Samain, so we are still in the 7 days out of time, so maybe that's it: inner time travel. But for once, I feel as if I'm part of the moment, that present that I could never exactly get in phase with.
I did spend some time for the Samain introspection, and damn it feels good once in a while. What surprised me though was what I surprised out of my own questions.
"Why can't you be happy? Why don't you want to grab it?"
And then I remembered that answer I read in a fanfiction.
"Because it's so easy to take it away from you. Joy. It's so easily taken from you."
Emily Waters, I think? Ashes of Armagedon probably, that lovely title?
It is, isn't it? And if you don't take the joy that you get, then it cannot be taken away from you. "no thanks, I've been fooled before"
That's a solution alright. But right now, the wonderful thing is... it doesn't feel like it has to.
What if my stories are right, by some cynical turn of event ? What if somehow, you CHOSe the scenario of your life? Would have I sacrified all that for what I have now? It's a bit early to judge of course, and bloody harsh. But from where I stand, I would say yes. I've got the most amazing companion possible, my real match, my best friend and I'm going to marry the hell out of him.
I just hope the PTSD thing is over and we can now actually reach and grab. Because strangely, our timing was perfect... he feels exactly the same. Though his own "high" state might actually very well being induced by, well, the fact that he is high. Ok, I'm letting him have his little holidays from himself. It's Samain, when else?
So, I've been going back to my old files to start NanoWriMo. Because this year, I go full Shadow on that bitch. Watch me. (yeah ok I'm late and no idea where this is going but eh, watch me)
I found other files, of course. Long forgotten texts and stuff. Fuck my life. A few days ago, we managed to get the VHS player to brodcast 10 mn of hypnotic home movie. I thought I had chosen a harmless one, which is telling you how naive I was because obviously, there is no such a thing... anyway, I saw my dad. And myself, with him. 8 years old me jumping in daddy's arms.
You know what? I didn't remember his voice. Not really. Or him. Not really. Fragments. I mean, I already knew that, but... after 12 years, yeah I guess I built a portrait from memory. And It was more on the impressionism side
So here I stand. Grandparents: dead. Dad: dead, seen again on the movie, will do more. Different from memories. Memories don't really matter that much. I can ride. I can write. I can live. I've got an incredible ride in front of me, if I just agree to ride it instead of taking pictures.
Life. In autumn.
Who would have thought?
I think I must have posted a thousand times about a thousand end of the worlds. Damn, that's a lot of worlds to watch collapse, isn't it? When you think about it, it's not even necessarily a poetic way to say it, I was recently retracing my geo-biography, and well f*** me, I didn't even know I had been in half those places. I just remembered moving all the time. Like, every 2 days/week. To another part of the world. Another island, another bay, another language... so yes, a lot of little worlds ended. And then the big ones.
But you knwo what? This Samain has been different. Damn, it should be a real family reunion now, when you think about it, in the course of the last months I lost my 2 last grandparents, now together in the afterlife with my dad and my other grandparents. I'm starting to get at the head of the pyramid here, which generally means it's time to reproduce if you're a good evolutionary mammal, but that's another subject entirely.
Death upon death upon joy upon happiness upon physical pain upon mental tiredness upon satisfaction. What do you do with that?
A few days ago I would have said "keep calm and wait for the next turn". I've actually been thinking a lot about that next turn. It's one of my oldest personnal rule "never get too excited, you never know what comes after the next turn." I'm always a careful driver, yes.
But I was thinking the other day. My soon to be husband and I spend so much time saying "we"ve got everything to be happy. We're so lucky, it's incredible!", while clutching to each other for dear life and shivering in terror, basically.
We're always so convinced that we are going to get there... that we are never here. Why the hell can't we manage to be happy? Just fucking happy? Here and now, happy, fo fuck's sake!! What kind of broken people are we, or are we just too spoiled, or what?
All those wonderful things we have! Everything I always wished for, more or less! So what?
And then they died. My dear grandma who loved me so much. My dear grandpa who... was the last dominant male of my pride, I guess. And I cried, and cried, and couldn't get over it, and cried again.
And then came Samain. What happened? Is it because I rode my horse? Is it because we have now a nice house that we love? Is it because I cried and cried, this time, instead of joking about it and saving the drama for an ulterior safer moment?
Just as I rode up the field, I started to feel it. That feeling from ages ago, that feeling that it was ok. I didn't have to be afraid. It was ok, really. Here and now. all good.
So we went on a ride. It was good. And things went on. ANd holidays were over, so I went back to work, a bit worried about all the recent fuss with my friends, but on such an incredible day, with the sun, the heat...
And then all of a sudden, it was here. That feeling. I had to text Doudou at once, saying... you know what, I feel good. Free. Light. Like I did on these days when I was a lot younger and nothing could ruin the day.
I didn't say the world, out of a bit of pudor maybe, but there it was: unburdened.
It's Samain, so we are still in the 7 days out of time, so maybe that's it: inner time travel. But for once, I feel as if I'm part of the moment, that present that I could never exactly get in phase with.
I did spend some time for the Samain introspection, and damn it feels good once in a while. What surprised me though was what I surprised out of my own questions.
"Why can't you be happy? Why don't you want to grab it?"
And then I remembered that answer I read in a fanfiction.
"Because it's so easy to take it away from you. Joy. It's so easily taken from you."
Emily Waters, I think? Ashes of Armagedon probably, that lovely title?
It is, isn't it? And if you don't take the joy that you get, then it cannot be taken away from you. "no thanks, I've been fooled before"
That's a solution alright. But right now, the wonderful thing is... it doesn't feel like it has to.
What if my stories are right, by some cynical turn of event ? What if somehow, you CHOSe the scenario of your life? Would have I sacrified all that for what I have now? It's a bit early to judge of course, and bloody harsh. But from where I stand, I would say yes. I've got the most amazing companion possible, my real match, my best friend and I'm going to marry the hell out of him.
I just hope the PTSD thing is over and we can now actually reach and grab. Because strangely, our timing was perfect... he feels exactly the same. Though his own "high" state might actually very well being induced by, well, the fact that he is high. Ok, I'm letting him have his little holidays from himself. It's Samain, when else?
So, I've been going back to my old files to start NanoWriMo. Because this year, I go full Shadow on that bitch. Watch me. (yeah ok I'm late and no idea where this is going but eh, watch me)
I found other files, of course. Long forgotten texts and stuff. Fuck my life. A few days ago, we managed to get the VHS player to brodcast 10 mn of hypnotic home movie. I thought I had chosen a harmless one, which is telling you how naive I was because obviously, there is no such a thing... anyway, I saw my dad. And myself, with him. 8 years old me jumping in daddy's arms.
You know what? I didn't remember his voice. Not really. Or him. Not really. Fragments. I mean, I already knew that, but... after 12 years, yeah I guess I built a portrait from memory. And It was more on the impressionism side
So here I stand. Grandparents: dead. Dad: dead, seen again on the movie, will do more. Different from memories. Memories don't really matter that much. I can ride. I can write. I can live. I've got an incredible ride in front of me, if I just agree to ride it instead of taking pictures.
Life. In autumn.
Who would have thought?