(no subject)
I'm almost positive my heart stopped.
No more beating of the most important human organ.
No more blood pumping through the arteries.
No love.
I lie. It's full of it. Full of love, and of life. I shall start at the beginning.
I was in the shower. Thinking, as usual. I thought: Why can't I just risk the answer No and ask him out? Then a pang in my chest set me ablaze. I thought I was going to be in a world of pain like normal. [I have bad chest problems.] This was not the case though. My hand immediately grasped the pale flesh above my breasts and then I stopped breathing for just a moment. I felt as though my heart was no longer there. I felt like a hollow shell.
And I then I cried for a good five minutes. The scalding water was not helping the feelings of loneliness. The silence of my house. I wanted so much to have someone that could come in and wrap their arms around me. I want someone that will comfort me. I want someone to call when things get so unbelievable unhandable. [Which isn't a word I believe.]
I want so much to caress your cheek, to stroke your cheek. I want to kiss you. I want to have the courage to knock on your door. With a movie perhaps.
I realized why I am unable to ask him out. I work up the courage to ask him out between the times I see him. Then he will come in and my heart will flutter, my stomach will empty and then immediately fill with horrid butterfly like creatures. All the courage I worked so hard towards just leaks right out my ear and down to the floor. Where it is stomped on, crushed, battered, beaten, and torn. Then it is no more.
Oh god fuck. Why?
No more beating of the most important human organ.
No more blood pumping through the arteries.
No love.
I lie. It's full of it. Full of love, and of life. I shall start at the beginning.
I was in the shower. Thinking, as usual. I thought: Why can't I just risk the answer No and ask him out? Then a pang in my chest set me ablaze. I thought I was going to be in a world of pain like normal. [I have bad chest problems.] This was not the case though. My hand immediately grasped the pale flesh above my breasts and then I stopped breathing for just a moment. I felt as though my heart was no longer there. I felt like a hollow shell.
And I then I cried for a good five minutes. The scalding water was not helping the feelings of loneliness. The silence of my house. I wanted so much to have someone that could come in and wrap their arms around me. I want someone that will comfort me. I want someone to call when things get so unbelievable unhandable. [Which isn't a word I believe.]
I want so much to caress your cheek, to stroke your cheek. I want to kiss you. I want to have the courage to knock on your door. With a movie perhaps.
I realized why I am unable to ask him out. I work up the courage to ask him out between the times I see him. Then he will come in and my heart will flutter, my stomach will empty and then immediately fill with horrid butterfly like creatures. All the courage I worked so hard towards just leaks right out my ear and down to the floor. Where it is stomped on, crushed, battered, beaten, and torn. Then it is no more.
Oh god fuck. Why?