(no subject)
sometimes, i wish it was all about me. not anybody else, just selfish, little old me. i want the attention, dammit.
sometimes i wish i could be that girl. but it's hard to change who you are to other people.
i've been doing a lot of thinking lately. about what's going on in life right now; what's happened in the past; and where it'll all end up later down the line. right now, things are going pretty well for the most part. except for the fact that i feel like i'm getting old, and i'm not so exciting as i used to be (or at least i thought i was). i think it mostly has to do with the fact that i'm gonna graduate from college soon, and i'll need to find a job. pretty much no more fucking around cuz it's time to grow up. and i dunno if this is a good thing or not, but i'm not as financially stable as i used to be, which makes me more of a bum at home cuz i don't wanna spend money on entertainment. as for things that have happened in the past... well, i told myself i'm never gonna regret any of my decisions, and to this day i still haven't. i don't plan on doing that anytime soon as well. yet at the same time, even though i don't have regrets, the past can catch up to you (whether it is yours alone or someone else's). it hurts. it can hurt to the point where i don't know what to do with myself. all i can physically do is sit around, not think about it and pretty much try to distract myself from ever thinking about it. maybe that is why i can let go so easily. maybe it's because deep down inside, i really am a selfish person, and taking care of myself is my own priority. maybe i'm less caring than i thought i was. otherwise how is it that it's so easy for me to let things go just like that? have i been putting up a front all these years? am i making myself more chivlrous than i really am? and what about in the future? i know i want to stay in san diego for a little while more. i like it down here. not to mention the idea of going home to live with the 'rents REALLY excites me. haha. sarcasm. but what if i can't make it out here alone? what if my parents decide to stop supporting me, forcing me to go back home? i guess i'll really have no choice then. i can't be homeless. i'll admit it, i'm not ready to be completely independent yet. i don't think i can survive on my own.
so who am i to turn to? all these years i've felt like a very giving person. an easy-going, carefree, optimistic person. i'll always be there for those that i care about, without a doubt. but who can i depend on? of course my friends and people who care about me. but when it comes down to it, the only person to be responsible for that is myself. i can't ask my friends to loan me money so i can stay down here. my friends are in the same boat as me. i can't live off my parents forever and have nothing to show for it. it scares me to think about all this. maybe i'm having that mid-life crisis.. except in my 20s. there's such a thing, right?
but that's why sometimes i wish it was all about me. i wouldn't have to care about anyone except for myself, knowing that there will always be others there to take care of me as well. it would also be great to have my future figured out for me too. every thing is planned out and all i gotta do is follow the instructions, instructions that i wrote. if only i can be that girl.
sometimes i wish i could be that girl. but it's hard to change who you are to other people.
i've been doing a lot of thinking lately. about what's going on in life right now; what's happened in the past; and where it'll all end up later down the line. right now, things are going pretty well for the most part. except for the fact that i feel like i'm getting old, and i'm not so exciting as i used to be (or at least i thought i was). i think it mostly has to do with the fact that i'm gonna graduate from college soon, and i'll need to find a job. pretty much no more fucking around cuz it's time to grow up. and i dunno if this is a good thing or not, but i'm not as financially stable as i used to be, which makes me more of a bum at home cuz i don't wanna spend money on entertainment. as for things that have happened in the past... well, i told myself i'm never gonna regret any of my decisions, and to this day i still haven't. i don't plan on doing that anytime soon as well. yet at the same time, even though i don't have regrets, the past can catch up to you (whether it is yours alone or someone else's). it hurts. it can hurt to the point where i don't know what to do with myself. all i can physically do is sit around, not think about it and pretty much try to distract myself from ever thinking about it. maybe that is why i can let go so easily. maybe it's because deep down inside, i really am a selfish person, and taking care of myself is my own priority. maybe i'm less caring than i thought i was. otherwise how is it that it's so easy for me to let things go just like that? have i been putting up a front all these years? am i making myself more chivlrous than i really am? and what about in the future? i know i want to stay in san diego for a little while more. i like it down here. not to mention the idea of going home to live with the 'rents REALLY excites me. haha. sarcasm. but what if i can't make it out here alone? what if my parents decide to stop supporting me, forcing me to go back home? i guess i'll really have no choice then. i can't be homeless. i'll admit it, i'm not ready to be completely independent yet. i don't think i can survive on my own.
so who am i to turn to? all these years i've felt like a very giving person. an easy-going, carefree, optimistic person. i'll always be there for those that i care about, without a doubt. but who can i depend on? of course my friends and people who care about me. but when it comes down to it, the only person to be responsible for that is myself. i can't ask my friends to loan me money so i can stay down here. my friends are in the same boat as me. i can't live off my parents forever and have nothing to show for it. it scares me to think about all this. maybe i'm having that mid-life crisis.. except in my 20s. there's such a thing, right?
but that's why sometimes i wish it was all about me. i wouldn't have to care about anyone except for myself, knowing that there will always be others there to take care of me as well. it would also be great to have my future figured out for me too. every thing is planned out and all i gotta do is follow the instructions, instructions that i wrote. if only i can be that girl.