a week before Xmas and I'm pretty broke and feeling the best I've felt all year
So I'm about to catch a nap and do some packing because at 2:30am, my sister and I set out on a 5 hour drive down to Durango for my older brother's college graduation. Not looking forward to the car ride but am looking forward to at least one day off.
Life's actually feeling pretty swell, guys! Even if it doesn't feel remotely like the time of year it is. Barely enough snow to stick to the ground even this late in the Colorado December, and business at my store is pretty sporadic, not crazy-nuts as you'd expect it to be?
Mentally I'm all over the place. The more soul-searching I do these days the more ashamed and disgusted I start to feel. I came to the realization recently that I simply don't know myself very well-- I can't think of a single point in my life where I didn't have some ever-changing ideal I was shooting for, trying to morph myself into and I've definitely lost the real me in the process. But the unfortunate part is that as I dig deeper and feel like I'm becoming more honest, I'm less and less pleased with the person I'm unsurfacing? It's all so muddled, I'm sorry.
I really wish I weren't so socially awkward, too. I don't know how to say yes or no or anything straightforward to anyone regarding my feelings unless they're behind a computer screen, it's so lame. I'll always distance myself so that I can stay in that blissful happy comfortzone of complete solitude, ahaha. I keep dealing with this question over and over, and I'm just not... in a good place, good situation, or good state of mind to leap into love/relationship situations right now. They just keep scaring the shit outta me and when I say 'it's complicated' it's not an excuse, it's the truth. So naturally when I'm at my ugliest both mentally and physically is when people actually seem interested. Swell :'(
BUT ENOUGH OF THAT EMO-SEEMING BULLSHIT, HERE'S THE GOOD PART
I've made two big purchases since my laptop. A week ago I crunched some numbers and it turns out a Playstation 3 120gb used on my holiday discount would only cost me 1/3rd my paycheck even with a game or two included. So I went for it! It seems really shallow and dumb, but going-nextgen so far has reinvigorated my excitement for gaming again, and I'd been really bummed over falling 'out of love' with videogames in the past year, 2 years. Hopefully this enthusiasm isn't just limited to just one of my passions?
SECOND PURCHASE-- which isn't 100% final yet- is A NEW CAR!!! it's been a long time coming, I've been borrowing my parents' heap of a '96 camry for too long, and struggling to find a replacement for my previously totaled car, when yesterday morning a beautiful 2000 Suzuki Esteem seemed to drop from the sky. Low mileage, wonderful condition, and within my meager budget?! I'd have thought it a scam if not for the fact that the seller works closely with my mom and is just an extremely friendly and generous person. So generous, in fact, they're letting me test-run the vehicle this weekend before I drop the money on it. I'm so thrilled aaaaaaa!!
My funds after this, naturally, are dwindling somewhat, but I feel the investments were very worth it ♥ I'll just rebuild my savings into 2011 and try to be more responsible all you people guilting me into conventions is not helping fsgsdgs. I'm doing o.k. though, no worries!
ALA looms ahead and I'm more excited for it than I am for Xmas? I'd better have a good freaking time, awwlright? Some youtube updates on the horizon as well, I did some filming but the editing will be euuuuuughhhhh...
Ohhhh! and there's a couple new art updates at My DA and some embarrassing doodles hanging around my Tumblr.
See you guys after the weekend's done!