[one-shot] kiss the rain
***
The 23rd of the month was fast approaching but he hasn’t made much improvement. Every time the group was together, I feel the yearning he emanates. For each gaze he threw at his…love, a piercing feeling profoundly seared through the bits and pieces of my once whole heart. I let out a sigh, gathered up all the energy I have and bounced my way across the room towards him. I simply had to be this way - to constantly wear this mask on my face and pretend that everything’s okay.
“Kame, you hungry?”
“All I want for my 23rd birthday is a heartfelt greeting…from him.”
I looked at the tall man having a conversation with Ueda. It pains me just to have to look at him, because I knew that I will never be him, I will never feel the same love Kame has for him. I looked back at Kame, who was trying his best not to look glum.
“I’m sure he’ll remember.”
“You think so?”
“Pfft. Yeah, of course. I’ll kick him where it hurts if he doesn’t.”
He looked at me with a surprised face and chuckled.
“You really know how to uplift me, don’t you, Koki?”
“Well, daddy, that’s my talent.”
“You say that every time.”
I winked at him and he blushed. A wave of mutual confusion and hurt once again took over me at the sight of his rosy cheeks, as well as his teary eyes. Yeah, we were together physically but emotionally…I doubt it. I gazed upon his splendid features, and that made my heart ache even more…more deeply, and I was reminded that everything is real. This wasn’t a dream, I was really enduring all the hurt and suffering. All for him.
“Hey, Kame.”
“Hmm?”
“Don’t hesitate to tell me your problems, okay?”
“Yeah, Koki. How many times do you have to tell me that?”
“Until such a time that you’re sick of it.”
“Okay fine, whatever.”
As he turned away, I felt weak. Get sick of my reminders, but not of me.
***
As soon as I felt the rays of the sun on my face, I reached out under my pillow and took out my phone.
“Happy birthday, Kame! I wish you all the best. Hmm. I’ll come visit you a little later, just let me shower first, okay? See ya! Oh, and…I love you.”
His special day finally arrived and I made sure that Kame got his wish. As soon as I finished showering, I messaged Jin.
“Yoh Jin, Kame-chan’s waiting for you to greet him. Don’t tell him I told you. Good luck!”
My trembling fingers managed to correctly punch in Jin’s digits and the message was sent. I faced the mirror and stared at my own reflection. Why do you have to go through this? Why don’t you just get on with your life? You know at the back of your mind that you’ll never replace Jin in his heart. Save yourself from all the agony and forget your feelings for him. I closed my eyes and let my teardrops fall. I love him, that’s why. I honestly couldn’t comprehend anything of what is happening but I just couldn’t find the strength to leave him. When I managed to let the last teardrop fall, I got dressed, faced the mirror one more time, and practiced my smile. Today’s his day, and I want to make it memorable for him. With both excitement and nervousness circulating all throughout my body, I slowly walked towards his apartment. As I was about to buy a gift for Kame, my phone rang.
赤西仁…
Why would he be calling me? I had several thoughts if I would answer it or not, but eventually I did.
“Hello?”
“…hey, it’s me.”
“Oh Jin, what’s up?”
“Kazuya’s…mad at me. Really…mad..”
“Ee? Why? What did you do?”
“…I told him I’m dating someone already…and it’s Tatsuya.”
I was shocked…so shocked that I was left speechless. I didn’t know what ran through my veins when I heard that. I seriously wanted to punch him in the face for hurting Kame again. After having entrusted him the responsibility to make Kame’s day complete, he totally did the opposite. Well, so much for making Kame’s wish come true. I suddenly became aware of the silence that occupied the both of us. I managed to break the silence by letting out a heavy sigh for him to be aware of the fact that I was disappointed - very disappointed with what he’s done. I was trying my best to calm down as I spoke to him.
“Uh, I see. Well, I cannot really blame him. Today is his special day and he was waiting for you to greet him. I’ll talk to him though.”
“Please do. Tell him I’m really sorry for hurting him, I really didn’t mean to.”
“I will. Just be happy and take care of Tatsu.”
“…I will. Thanks.”
And we both hanged up. I screamed out in fury and I felt the longing to really run to him and punch him hard. People were starting to stare at me as if I was some kind of lunatic, I really didn’t care. My thoughts suddenly wandered off to him.
“Kame…”
With all my strength, I darted towards his apartment. I stumbled a number of times in the process but I didn’t mind. I wanted to see him, to hold him in my arms, to calm him down, to make him feel that everything will be alright, to let him know that I’m here. When I got to his door, I arbitrarily rang his doorbell or knocked at his door. I could hear my pounding heart beat faster and faster.
“It’s me, Kame. Please open the door.”
I heard him walk towards the door. As soon as he opened it, he tightly clung to me. I did the same. I kissed him on his head and carried him inside. He was in no mood to let go, and I let him stay that way. I let him cry all the tears that he wanted. There’s no use in making him stop now.
“Hush, Kazu. It’s okay, I’m here.”
He continued to sob for the next minutes, and I just remained silent. He then rested his head on my chest and just stared blankly at the wall. I fixed his hair and gently kissed his forehead. Little did he know, I was starting to cry then. I couldn’t lock it all up, the pain and the disappointment. It was just too much already. Seeing him hurt by someone I thought I trusted, it just…exhausts you. Everything was my fault, to begin with. If I hadn’t told him to greet you, this wouldn’t have happened. I’m sorry, love. I’m so sorry. I looked at him and nudged him a bit.
“How do you feel?”
“Fine.”
“Hmm. Doesn’t sound like it.”
He kept silent. Suddenly he threw his phone against the wall. I grabbed hold of his hand and wrapped my arms around him. He started crying again.
“Feel free to rant to me. Tell me what’s on your mind.”
“He’s such an idiot. I don’t want to talk to him ever again.”
“I understand. He called me, and…he wanted me to tell you that he didn’t mean to…”
“He didn’t mean to hurt me? Yeah, right. Let him shove those flowery words of his down his throat. I’ll never be fooled by his flattery again. Honestly, I never lost hope that both of us could be together again. I always dreamt that he would come running back to me, shower me with innumerable hugs and kisses, and tell me that what he said before was a mistake - that he would love only me, no one else. But, now…he tells me…he and Tatsu…on my…birthday. What the hell was he thinking? I was waiting for him to greet me, but he didn’t. Best friends for ten years…whatever. Our friendship is slowly losing its significance because that’s all I’ll ever be to him…a good best friend. You know, I patiently waited for him throughout those ten long years, but he just didn’t get my point. No matter how much pain it caused me, I stayed by his side, hoping that he would realize how much he loved me, too. But he didn’t. He already has his newfound love, and I guess, I’ll just let him be. I just wish that he’ll be happy.”
My tears continuously fell after hearing him say all that. All the hurt that I was trying to hide from him broke free, and I gave in to it. After all this time, he never did love me…he never even tried. He was so preoccupied with Jin that he didn’t sense my presence. All the energy I had was suddenly drained.
“Uhm. What about you, Kame? Don’t you plan on moving on, the same way as he did?”
“I don’t know, Koki.”
“Oh. Well, I’m always here whenever you need me.”
“Koki…I’m…so sorry…again…for everything.”
I rested my lips on top of his head and let him feel my heartbeat.
“It’s okay, Kame. Hmm. I don’t know if this will make any difference, but hey, there’s no harm in trying. Happy birthday, and yeah, I love you…so much, so do stop crying because my aching heart couldn’t bear it any longer.”
He sat upright and he saw the tears on my face, but despite that, I smiled at him. He looked remorsefully at me. I extended my hand and slowly traced his soft, plump lips. I pulled him closer to me and I locked my lips onto his. I let out all my emotions that time - love, hurt…everything. As long as there’s tomorrow, I’ll never stop believing that we truly will be together…someday.
***
part 2