A Broken Record
Sometimes, like I've told others before, I hate going to sleep. Which is why i'm up writing this. I feel like a broken record stating and repeating my opinion about myself, but I just can't help it. I feel like whenever I go to sleep, I lose control of my inner demons and can't control any outcome. Since I'm asleep, I can't distinguish between reality and the dreamscape, except for that one time that involved me trying to break into my truck via the windshield, removing it and dropping it and shattering it, and then realized it was a dream, and proceeded to try and find a reset button.
I know i move in my sleep. I've been able to answer questions in my sleep. (ask jayme about the time she asked me about how long to put in a plate of pizza rolls whilest i was sick and napping. she might remember it better than i could.) But i've also done strange things like suddenly grab things and people. Like on the way back up from comic-con, we were all sleepy. I needed to recharge so i asked jayme to take over for a bit. (which resulted in a CHP pulling us over in the Carpinteria area(?), thinking that we were drunk. luckily that was just the thing to scare me back to awake-ness. CHP let us off scott-free, and I took over from there. Jayme was a lil pissed at me though...don't blame her though. Heh, if this were love hina, i'd be knocked right into thw channel islands.) apparently during one point i reached over and grabbed the steering wheel from jayme with my left hand, then slipped back into sleep. Yeah, see what I mean. I'm scared of myself.
Recently, i've been asked the same questions a few times:
"How's life? How's the job search going?" etc etc etc.
I look at some of my friends and fellow graduates. Jenny, back home, has a steady job at the Salk Institute (did i get the name right?). Her brothers Kirk and Mark are holding steady jobs while finishing their studies, right? Jay is working for the San Diego Chargers as a webmaster for their website. Vy "Jailbait" as i refered to her back in high school (cuz she was graduating HS at 16 or something like that) last i heard was still working at a pharmacy back home in Esco. "Big sis" Corrine, married to the love of her life, Mat, and managing their personal life with work and lawyer-stuff. Heather, a fellow UCSB ME Graduate, who is dating Jayme's friend Eric, currently works in the San Onofre power plant oversight committee. Jayme making ends meet here, still working for TV Services. Niko with her graduate studies while counting down the days till she leaves Devereux. Pete with his tech support job and Inamed. Then there's me and carlos. Lazy bums. well, he more so than me, and he knows it. Here I am, with a degree in Mechanical Engineering and a CA Board of Consumer Affairs-certified Engineer-in-Training in hopes of proceeding to be a Professionally licensed Engineer. I can't get a damn job cuz I'm too scared of uncertainty. To be honest, its more like a 'won't.'
I've got about a month and a half left on this lease. Then comes the clean up. Then the moving out. Then what. If i have a job here, then i'd have to find a new place to live. Sure, if i got a good enough paycheck, I could just find a quick place to sublease or something. But then after that, what. What if I can't find a place to crash. If it were only so easy to just haul all my crap just down the way and move in. Parents want me to come home and look in San Diego. Sure, that'd be nice. I'd be close to home, but then its home. More like, its 'work.' Of course, me and dad joke about how sure the rent is free, but you gotta earn your keep in this household, otherwise mom might throw you out for being useless. Anyways, I'm just not sure what I can do with such a short amount of time left. I thought this whole employment-thing would have gone a bit smoother, unfortunately not. I just need to quit complaining and finish my damn resume already.
*smack*
I hope you didn't mind my bitching.
I know i move in my sleep. I've been able to answer questions in my sleep. (ask jayme about the time she asked me about how long to put in a plate of pizza rolls whilest i was sick and napping. she might remember it better than i could.) But i've also done strange things like suddenly grab things and people. Like on the way back up from comic-con, we were all sleepy. I needed to recharge so i asked jayme to take over for a bit. (which resulted in a CHP pulling us over in the Carpinteria area(?), thinking that we were drunk. luckily that was just the thing to scare me back to awake-ness. CHP let us off scott-free, and I took over from there. Jayme was a lil pissed at me though...don't blame her though. Heh, if this were love hina, i'd be knocked right into thw channel islands.) apparently during one point i reached over and grabbed the steering wheel from jayme with my left hand, then slipped back into sleep. Yeah, see what I mean. I'm scared of myself.
Recently, i've been asked the same questions a few times:
"How's life? How's the job search going?" etc etc etc.
I look at some of my friends and fellow graduates. Jenny, back home, has a steady job at the Salk Institute (did i get the name right?). Her brothers Kirk and Mark are holding steady jobs while finishing their studies, right? Jay is working for the San Diego Chargers as a webmaster for their website. Vy "Jailbait" as i refered to her back in high school (cuz she was graduating HS at 16 or something like that) last i heard was still working at a pharmacy back home in Esco. "Big sis" Corrine, married to the love of her life, Mat, and managing their personal life with work and lawyer-stuff. Heather, a fellow UCSB ME Graduate, who is dating Jayme's friend Eric, currently works in the San Onofre power plant oversight committee. Jayme making ends meet here, still working for TV Services. Niko with her graduate studies while counting down the days till she leaves Devereux. Pete with his tech support job and Inamed. Then there's me and carlos. Lazy bums. well, he more so than me, and he knows it. Here I am, with a degree in Mechanical Engineering and a CA Board of Consumer Affairs-certified Engineer-in-Training in hopes of proceeding to be a Professionally licensed Engineer. I can't get a damn job cuz I'm too scared of uncertainty. To be honest, its more like a 'won't.'
I've got about a month and a half left on this lease. Then comes the clean up. Then the moving out. Then what. If i have a job here, then i'd have to find a new place to live. Sure, if i got a good enough paycheck, I could just find a quick place to sublease or something. But then after that, what. What if I can't find a place to crash. If it were only so easy to just haul all my crap just down the way and move in. Parents want me to come home and look in San Diego. Sure, that'd be nice. I'd be close to home, but then its home. More like, its 'work.' Of course, me and dad joke about how sure the rent is free, but you gotta earn your keep in this household, otherwise mom might throw you out for being useless. Anyways, I'm just not sure what I can do with such a short amount of time left. I thought this whole employment-thing would have gone a bit smoother, unfortunately not. I just need to quit complaining and finish my damn resume already.
*smack*
I hope you didn't mind my bitching.