(no subject)
there was a time when i would write in this thing and ramble on and on about whatever it was that was on my mind but within the past couple months i've lost all motivation to. in fact i feel like i cant talk at all anymore. its like i try to come up with something to say but all that comes out is "yeah" and a nod. what's happend? have i built up that big of a barrier between myself and everyone around me that it's paralyzed my communication skills? i dont get it. it reminds me of the first part of olga's class about being silenced and not being able to raise my voice both vocally and metaphorically. has so much of the past couple years affected me in such a way that i have lost all power to connect? i can remember my freshman year of high school when i was so open to everything because i was out of depaul and loving it. in a new school and with such an optimistic view on everything then something just died inside of me. it wasnt till the brycc house and doing ksf when i found a sort of a voice. eventually i realized my voice drowned out by everything that went on that summer and then i moved on to st x drama. once again i was silenced by petty rediculousness concerning boys and who got what part in the school play. im fargone from all those things, high school is over, the brycc house is closed and now i have other things that have silenced me. mom's overbearing need for me to be social within my own family to which i dont fully belong to...never have really. it seems that every suedo-relationship i've encountered has left me standing alone in my head. i dont deal with rejection well, i know this for a fact. somehow i always end up with males who are messed up in the head (whether it be alcoholism, a chemical imbalance of some sort or just teen angst). i let these men cripple me and im tired of it. its time that i work on being stronger and opening up and talking to people. im sick of being angry all the time. mara told me once that i have a wall around me and shes right. i dont let people in, i havent let in anyone in years. im too young to be this bitter and cynical about things that were so stupid. it's time to just let go.