[fic] Hana (華) - SagaXShou - Oneshot
Title : Hana (華)
Chapter : 1/1 (One-shot)
Author : Kei Kyuuketsuki
Fandom : Alice Nine
Pairings : SagaXShou
Theme Song : Alice Nine - 華
Rating : PG
Genre : drama, romance, songfic
Warning : malexmale relationship, yaoi
Disclaimer : I only own the idea of the story. A little bit of editing the song’s meaning here and there. But the boys still belong to themselves. Oh, and the song also belongs to the boys, of course.
Summary : “No... I shouldn’t... I won’t... I couldn’t...”
Comments : all of it were described in Shou's POV. Happy reading!
-Hana (華)-
Hana mira wo ukabete kokyuu wo tomete
Yokusou ni wa oto mo todokanai
My left hand’s wet. To my elbow, I drown my hand in the heat of water that filled your bathtub. Few roses’ petals floated on the water’s surface. I’m the one who put those petals there. I don’t know why I did that. I just thought that those petals would make the view even more gorgeous than before. I’m being stupid, I know. You’re gorgeous already. I just… I can’t think right now.
The petals are moving for the ripples you’ve made with your slow movement. I gasped for awhile when I saw some of the petals were touching your white skin. I gasped, because I don’t want any of my voice slip right through my lips and it reaches your hearing.
Sugisatta genjitsu namida to tomo ni
Shizumete yuku awa no naka e
I felt that this world was no longer real. I don’t care about anything around me except you. The sound of the rippling water, the drops of the water that sometimes still drip from the faucet, the sound of the television that still heard softly from your living room, the ticking sound from the clock that just like it echoing all over this room, your bathroom, all of those sound just passing me without giving any meaning to me. But why can I still hear those sounds? Is it too silent here? Why aren’t you say something? Please, please let me hear your voice so that I know that this world is still real.
But, then again, if this world is not real anymore, I just don’t want to get out from here… forever.
My tears flow. I can feel it. It flows from my eyes, making trails on my cheek, and stopping at my chin. It hangs there for a brief moment before - at last - it falls to your bathtub, and mingling with the bubbles there.
Sayonara wa yurameki suisai no hate e
Tsuki ga nemuru yoru wa hoshi mo nakute
“Goodbye…” It looks like THAT word reflected on every colorful bubble’s surface I saw in your bathtub. The word is just like an ornament that framing my face that also reflected there. I look at every single bubble. I feel so ashamed when I saw my own face there. I know that I can’t see my face clearly on the bubbles. But still, I know what happened to my face: redden eyes for too much tears, swollen and darken eye bags from too much crying, and the tears’ trails that still wet.
You ever said it to me that you didn’t like the face I have right now. You hate it when you saw my wrinkled face for being too sad. You didn’t want me to be gloomy. You didn’t want me to be like this in front of the fans.
“What will the fans say if they see you like this? They will definitely think that I’m the one who hurt you and make you cry…”
Remembering those words of yours make me smile a bit. Did you know something? Now, I don’t even care about it anymore. There are no fans around us now. They won’t see my face right now. They will never be able to see my face like this. So, I guess, everything will be just fine for them, for the fans. I don’t have to feel embarrassed in front of anyone. Include you.
Yeah, you. I just realize about how ugly my face is now. You know why? ‘Cause you’re the one who made me turn into this mess. Yeah, you’re the one who made me have to show you my ugly face, my tears stained face. Then I guess I don’t have to care too much about it. Now, my face is not comparable with yours, the one that look like a porcelain doll.
Porcelain doll is beautiful, right? But did you ever think about why those beautiful dolls sometimes appear in a horror movie? Yeah, you’re right. Even when they still have their beauties, they can still give you the creep. That is exactly right like what you did to me whether you realize it or not. With that beautiful face of yours, you can hurt me. With the beauty that concealed within your porcelain-look face, you did a great job of hurting me. So, don’t ever blame me if my face can be this ugly right now. I’m not the one to be blamed on. It’s not my fault. I can justify my defense. You DID hurt me, and you ARE the one who made me cry. It was your entire fault. Your fault. It’s YOURS.
But I don’t have anyone to defend me. Even at this darkest night, the moon choose to hide itself and refuse to show a little of its light. Connive with their queen; there was no star that I can find in tonight’s sky. Nothing. I’m confused. They were reluctant to appear; was it because they were concerned with my condition right now, or was it because they just wanted to mock me?
Yume no hana chiru nara mirai ni soe you
Tsubomi no mama de ii saku koto negau nara
Didn’t they know why THAT question must appear in my head? I’m getting used to sleep with them ornamenting my night. Far above my head, they’re accompanying me, and I fell like, with them, I can see sweet dreams every single night. One time, I make myself think, that IF one of them not appear in my night, then my slumber won’t be complete, and I won’t have any sweet dream. Those night sky’s ornaments were the things that made my sweet dreams bloomed.
But tonight, they’re all gone. All of them. I can’t make my sweet dream bloom without them. If my sweet dreams were still in a bud, never, ever blame me if I keep hoping for them to bloom. If the happiness in my dreams has to withered and fall, I hope the wind will blow my dreams, so they can fly, and the flakes will be the ornament of my future… with you.
Chou ga mau shinkirou himitsu wo daite
Kiri no you na tooi yakusoku
Would you please, help me now? Like you promised me long time ago? We ever shared the same hopes and wishes about our future, right? Do you still remember those hopes and wishes? Or… do you have different hope about our future? Does your hope have something to do with our condition right now? Do you keep another hope that is not exactly what I’m hoping for?
I still remember about the butterfly tattoo on your face on our old time. Looking at the butterfly on your face, made me always wished that the butterfly will help us to spread the pollen of our hopes for our future together. But now, I realized that butterfly has its own mystery. Just like when it decorates your face, it hid half of your face and closed part of yourself from other people. The butterfly even hid something about you from me. It became too loyal to you. It helped you to keep any secret from me. But I think; that secret will unveil today, right now. The promises that you ever said to me, now will be just like a mist that block my vision but I will never be able to clench it.
Kinou to ashita to futashika na ima
Kimi no moto e maware Merry-go-Round
Did you know? All of those things now are just circling in my head. My memories about our past, our hopes about our future, and the present that are still uncertain for me, all of it still come back to you. It was just like a Merry-go-Round that always got back to the same place over and over again, my reasons also return to you.
Todokanai omoi wa binsen to tomo ni
Itsuka todoku hazu sa ii kikasete
I just wanted to know. Did you ever really have the same feeling about me like I have about you? At least, did my feeling ever reach you anyway? Did you know what it feels, when in the past, someone would always send a letter and that person was always hoping to get the reply? It’s not like today that we can get a reply message or email within a second. No. At that time, we need to wait for a very long time to get the reply, right? But the problem is; the reply was never there. That person never got the answer. That is how I feel right now. I’ve sent my letters of whispered feeling to you. While doing that, I was establishing my heart; I kept trying to make you understand about my feelings to you. I’ve always try to convinced myself that one day, my feelings will be able to reach you.
Furueteta kuchibiru kotoba wo tsutaete
Tashika na mono hitotsu itoshii kioku dake
“No… I shouldn’t… I won’t… I couldn’t…”
My lips were trembling when I said those words, even my hand that still in the water in your bathtub was trembling. The heat of the water couldn’t stop me body from shaking. Can you even feel it? Until finally I pulled you into my embrace, and made you can feel the touch of my body, can you feel my shaking body?
I know. There was still a bathtub that separates us. But that was the only thing I could do to be this close to you. I don’t really care if you didn’t want anybody to disturb you when I forced my way in your bathroom earlier. But I couldn’t hold myself any longer. I wanted to know everything, and I just couldn’t wait any longer. Because of that, I didn’t ask you to get out from here. I just wanted to you to not ask me to leave. And even if you DID ask me to leave, I will stay. I won’t go, ‘cause I still need to hear your explanation. For that, I won’t mind if I had to sit on your bathroom floor and leaned on to your bathtub wall, whereas I was hoping that I could lean to your back instead.
Yes, your back. You didn’t even turn to face me. You didn’t let me saw your face that easy. You would never let me to truly enjoy my time with you. Like now, you just sat still in your bathtub while I’m sitting on your bathroom floor, and holding you from behind.
I’ve mustered up my courage this far but I still couldn’t get your attention. Get angry if I’m disturbing you that much. But please, don’t be this silent to me. Please. Talk to me, please. Make me certain about anything at all. Don’t depress me like this. Make something real between us, would you? Anything will do. Anything. Just don’t confuse me. Don’t let me drown in our past, in my precious memory.
It was so precious. My memory about you, about us, it was very precious to me. And when you turned my world upside down like this, my memory became more and more way too precious.
Asayaka na kisetsu ga irodori wo soeru
Hikari sasu hou made kake nukete
Oh, what season is it? Why suddenly I felt so, very warm? Was it because the clothes I still wore? Or was it because of the warmth from the water? Or… was it because… you suddenly turned around and hold me… tightly?
“Why..?” I asked, in whispering voice. A tear was hanging at the edge of my eye.
Was my life so colorful like this? You’re not lying, aren’t you? You’re not merely tried to comfort me right now, aren’t you? Was tonight not as dark as I thought before?
Kotoba ni dekinai omoi ga aru nara
Uta wo kana de okurou kokoro wo sakasete
“If there were feelings that we couldn’t put into words, we could put it into songs. You’ve said that, right?
It surprised me.
“With song, we could make the feelings we had bloomed. You ever said that to me too, right?”
What do you mean?
“Do I have to say it all? Do I have to utter my every unsaid feeling to you?”
No… you don’t have too…
“Do I have to reveal every plan I’ve made for our future, when - I think - I already could make you understand it from everything I’ve done for you?”
How stupid I am…
“I’m not good with words… I can’t be like you who could express all your feelings so easily… this was all I could do… I’m sorry ‘cause I couldn’t tell you about all my feelings… I’m sorry for confusing you all of this time… I’m sorry because I made you so uncertain about the things that I couldn’t convey…”
“Stop it…” I hugged him back.
“I love the way you try to catch all the dreams in front of you. I love it ‘cause it made me want to do the same thing. I love that you’re always face the light that shine on my life. I love you for being THE light that always lightens up my days…”
I chuckle a bit hearing those words from your very lips. I leaned my head on your shoulder that was still wet. Oh, now I make it even wetter. I’m sorry. I couldn’t hold my tears. But I think I really need to cry now.
Your words. Now I know why you never told me about how you feel about me. It was not because you’re not good at words. You just afraid that you would make me melt with everything you would tell me.
Now I know that I don’t have to insist you to tell me anything. You’re already made me remember other things that I haven’t realized before. Like you’ve told me, I don’t have to wait until you make everything clear with your words. No, because all the things you’ve done were actually already tell me about everything I’ve wanted to know.
Goodbye. Goodbye to my old self. Goodbye to unbelieving me. Goodbye to me who didn’t believe in you. Goodbye to my entire turmoil in my heart.
=fin=
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Author’s note: booo! Cheesy! T_____T I was never thought that it will came up like this. When I heard the early part of the lyrics, I felt a gloomy feeling. But when I reached to the last verse, I found a more positive ‘aura’ about this song. So, to make this fic more appropriate with the song, this was how I made it… >////< Hope you all like it…
Comments and critics, please...^^/