fan fiction: Finding Home Chapter 10
Oh, my gosh. I cannot even apologize enough for how ridiculously late this update is. Over a year??? Really, Kehwie???
If anyone is even still reading, I am sorry. Suffice it to say that real life is a PITA.
And this story, for all intents and purposes, is done. I have a short epilogue, just to tie up a few loose ends, but the important bits end with this chapter.
Chapter Ten-Home at Last
“I’m sorry.”
Cold dread clenched Vala’s stomach as she lifted her head to squint at him. After coming together almost frantically on her living room floor, they had moved to her bedroom for a slower, more tender round of lovemaking. She’d drifted off to Daniel kissing her forehead and whispering, “Just sleep, sweetheart. We’ll figure out the rest in the morning.” It had all made the feel so cherished, so adored. Was he now going to say the whole thing had been a terrible mistake? “For what?” Drat, she hadn’t quite kept her voice from shaking. Maybe he wouldn’t notice.
Daniel laughed bitterly. “Are you kidding me? Where do I even start? I’m sorry I’ve been such a dick about Bryce. You don’t deserve that. Neither does he probably. I’m sorry I acted like an ass the day you found this place. I’m sorry I’ve spent so much time avoiding you. Hell, I’m sorry for the whole last five years.”
“I think we all have regrets regarding that last one.”
“Sure, but the whole thing was my fault.”
What was he on about? “I rather think the whole thing was Matthias’s fault. And maybe mine a bit. I’m the one who didn’t come back as soon as I got away from him.”
“Exactly. And why didn’t you? Because you didn’t think you’d be welcome. Because even after all the time you’d been a member of the team, you thought we still didn’t trust you--that we’d actually believe you betrayed us.”
“That still sounds like my beliefs, my decisions, my choices. I fail to see how you’re to blame for those.”
“Do you remember that day we found you, how Mitchell apologized for failing as your team leader? I was your boyfriend, Vala . We’d been together more than two years by then. And in all that time, I somehow never managed to show you how much I...how much you mean to me.”
Vala lifted her hand to his cheek. “Oh, Daniel, darling...no. Don’t think of it like that. At the risk of using one of your Tau’ri cliches, it wasn’t you. It was me.”
He snorted. “Ah, no. I don’t think so.”
“I mean it, Daniel,” she said. “You know how I lived before coming here. People like Matthias were all I knew. If I had actually cared enough to save any of my previous associates, I assure you they’d have believed my betrayal and hated me for it.”
“And in all that time we never managed to convince you we were any different.” Daniel shook his head in frustration.
“Of course you were different! That’s what intrigued me about you in the first place. I couldn’t get you out of my head after our little adventure on the Prometheus . You didn’t make sense to me, and I wanted to know more. I know I infuriated you with the kor mak bracelets, and I know I was wrong to trap you with them, but I can’t really regret it. The more I got to know you--all of you--the more I wanted to belong here.”
“You do belong. That’s partly why Mitchell was so gungho about this housewarming party-he wanted you to know that, to believe that. But you belonged before. From the moment you came back from the Ori galaxy and chose to stop running, you’ve belonged here. We just did a lousy job of showing it.”
Vala nestled herself against his side again. “You didn’t. Really.”
She didn’t think he believed her fully, but he tightened his arms around her and kissed her temple. At least he was letting the matter drop for now. Knowing Daniel, that didn’t mean he wouldn’t continue to wallow in his perceived guilt. The man could be so broody.
But there was really no reason for him to bear all the blame. So many things had gone wrong back then. She’d never once considered any of it to be his fault.
Of course, if he wanted to buy her lots of expensive presents to atone for his supposed misdeeds, she wouldn’t protest. She wasn’t stupid .
Silence reigned for a few minutes as they lay snuggled together. Vala listened to the steady thrum of Daniel’s heartbeat and was on the verge of going back to sleep when her stomach gave a loud rumble.
Daniel laughed. “Guess we oughtta feed you. I don’t suppose you have stuff to make pancakes?”
“Actually I do. I grocery shopped earlier in the week-just a few basics. And Jack brought bacon.” Her grin turned teasing. “And I think your Cute Ginger brought some good maple syrup.”
“She isn’t my Cute Ginger.” Daniel sounded adorably grumpy-exactly what she’d been going for. “But all right. I’ll make pancakes and fry up some bacon if you’ll get the coffee going.”
“Can’t beat that deal.” Vala bounded from the bed.
Her kitchen was small, but it made for a delightful time “accidentally” bumping into each other as they worked. And as they ate they teased and flirted and played footsie. It was relaxed, cozy, fun . All the things Vala had thought she’d never have again.
They were cleaning up when Vala’s cell rang. She glanced at it. Bryce. Damn, what horrible timing. She chewed her thumb, knowing that answering might send Daniel back into moody grouchland. Maybe it would be better just to ignore it?
But as much as they might wish otherwise, the last five years had happened. Bryce was a part of her life now whether Daniel liked it or not. If they were to have any chance of getting back together, he’d have to deal with that. She picked up the phone.
“Since I didn't hear from you last night, I assume Daniel either left with the others or that if he stayed you two were able to make some progress?”
Her gaze drifted to Daniel, scrubbing furiously at a pan at the sink. “Oh, I’d say we definitely made progress.”
Bryce laughed softly. “Ho, boy. He’s still there, isn’t he?”
“Mm-hmm.”
“Then I’ll let you go before I ruin it for you. Listen, just call me when you get a chance, okay? I don’t want to leave without saying goodbye.”
“You better not. I’d never forgive you.”
“No, I won’t, I promise. And I don’t fly out till tomorrow anyway, so we've got time. Val-I’m really happy for you.”
“I know. Thanks, love. Talk to you later.” She ended the call.
Daniel had grown visibly tenser over the last several minutes. Vala sighed. She had no desire whatsoever to talk, but clearly they needed to address the matter of Bryce. Daniel now knew that Bryce wasn't her boyfriend, but something about him obviously still bugged her grumpy archaeologist. “Daniel?”
He looked up. “Hey. Uh, Bryce doing okay this morning?”
“Yes.” She moved toward him, her eyes never leaving his. “He’s very happy for us.”
“Oh. Well. That, uh, good I guess.”
“Daniel…” She drew out the name.
He sagged a bit and dropped his head. “Sorry. But even though Lauren isn’t my ‘Cute Ginger,’ Bryce definitely is your…well, whatever he is.” He lifted his gaze. “What is he, Vala? Where does he fit in all this?”
“He’s my friend , Daniel. For the past few years I thought he was the only one I had!”
“I get that. And I hate it! I hate that you thought we’d just abandon you. But the way you two act... was he your boyfriend? Even if he isn’t now?”
“No. That's never been who we are. He took me in when I had nowhere to go and helped me get started with the hacking. But we've always been just friends.” She made a face. “'Just friends.' That's a terrible phrase, you know. If I've learned anything from the Tau'ri, it's that friendship isn't some mere, inconsequential thing. It matters . But no, we've never been romantically involved.”
“It just seems like there's...more between the two of you.”
Vala bit her lip. “Well...I won't lie, Daniel. We did have sex sometimes. I'd get bored or lonely and if he wasn't seeing someone at the time, he was willing. You know I don't do celibacy well. The only time I've ever managed it was when I was holding out for you. Once I thought you weren't an option anymore...” She trailed off with a shrug.
“Friends with benefits, huh?” Daniel sounded bitter.
“I suppose so, yes.”
He stayed silent for a long time then expelled a noisy breath. “Okay. I hate the circumstances that brought you two together, but I am glad you had someone. And I know he's important to you, so I'll try to stop being a jerk where he's concerned. He, ah, seems like a good guy.”
“He is, Daniel. I think you'd like him if you gave him a chance.” She wrapped her arms around him, resting her head on his chest. “And he is important to me. Thank you for understanding that.”
“Yeah.” He chuckled slightly. “I'd say 'no problem,' but you know...”
“I know. I wasn't fond of Cute Ginger either.”
“ So not the same.”
“Sure, but I didn't know that.”
“Mm. I suppose.”
Vala stayed quiet for a while, listening to Daniel's heartbeat thrum in her ear. Should she lay all of her emotional cards on the table? It might settle any lingering doubts about Bryce, but it would also lay her deepest self bare before him. She wasn't sure she was ready to do that.
And who even knew that Daniel would be ready to hear it? She knew how slow he liked to take things. Okay, they'd thrown slow right through a wormhole by jumping into bed before ironing out details, but their first relationship had proceeded at a slug's pace. They'd evolved so gradually from friends to dating to lovers that she still wasn't 100% certain where all the lines of demarcation were. She didn't want to scare him off now, going too deep too soon.
“So what should we do with the rest of our day?” Daniel asked. “Any big plans? I assume you'll want to see Bryce at some point. I know he's come a long way to visit.”
Vala nodded. “Yes. He doesn't fly out until tomorrow, but I do want to see him later. Other than that, I'm flexible.”
Daniel smirked. “Yes, I know you are.”
“Would you care for another demonstration?”
He laughed. “No, I'm not as young as I used to be. Ask me again later.”
“Mm, I most definitely will.”
“Looking forward to it.”
They showered and dressed and settled on the couch. Well, Daniel settled on the couch; Vala settled on Daniel's lap. But he wasn't complaining, so she assumed it was fine.
He ran a hand up and down her back. “We should probably clear up one or two more things.”
Vala groaned, dropping her head to his shoulder. “Really, Daniel? Haven't we covered all the important stuff?”
“Maybe. Probably? I just don't want to screw this up.”
“You won't. Just relax, darling. We'll be fine.”
“Vala, I almost lost you. It was a damn fluke Jack and Sam were at that awards dinner to hear Bryce screw up. I don’t want to take the chance that something will go wrong, and you’ll be gone again.”
“I only left in the first place to keep you safe! You make it sound like I ran off with Matthias for the fun of it.”
“I know you didn’t. I just want to be sure you know to always come back home to me.”
Vala stared at him, taking in his earnest expression. The last of her fears melted. This was real. Daniel Jackson really wanted her , for always. “I promise, my Daniel. As long as you want me, I will always, always come back.” She spoke the words she’d held back earlier. “You should know something. You asked if Bryce and I had been together. We weren’t, but if we had been it wouldn’t matter. I would have chosen you. Given the chance, I’d always choose you. You...you’re my Sha’re.”
“I’m your what? ”
“My Sha’re. You know, the one great love of your life. The one no one else could possibly compare to.”
“Uh, thank you? But...you think Sha’re is all that to me?”
“Of course, silly. Who else could it be? I know you were with Janet for a while, and I know you dated Sarah. There were probably others I don’t know about. But they don’t really compare with Sha’re, do they?”
“Er, no, I suppose not.” He looked at her sadly. “I’m sorry.”
Again? “What for now?”
He snorted in disbelief. “Are you kidding me? Vala, somehow I’ve managed to screw up every single aspect of our relationship. Here I am, the almighty linguist, and I can’t communicate a damn thing where you’re concerned.”
“What in the worlds are you talking about?”
“You want the whole list? Fine. We lost five freaking years because you thought we’d actually believe you betrayed us. And as much as I hate that you thought that of Mitchell and Teal’c, the fact that you thought I’d buy it? How much did I suck as a boyfriend if you could think that?” She opened her mouth to speak, but he ignored her and plowed on. “And then you come home and because I thought you were with Bryce, I behave like an utter asshole. I thought I’d lost you, and I thought I could make it hurt less. It didn’t work, and I ended up hurting you too. It seems I’m always hurting you somehow.”
“That’s not--”
“And to top it all off, apparently I’ve managed to make you think that Sha’re was the be-all and end-all of my existence. That no one else could possibly mean to me what she did. Including you!”
“Daniel, stop! It’s fine. I’ve always known that Sha’re was special, and I don’t begrudge you that…”
“Shut up, Vala. I’m sorry, but please just shut up. I need to get this out.” He cupped her face. “I love you, okay? I. Love. You. You mean everything to me, and I’m sorry I’ve done such a piss-poor job of showing it. I swear I’ll do better. But right now I need you to believe me-- you are my Sha’re.”
“What?”
“Using your definition. You are the love of my life, and I choose you. You’re my Sha’re.”
“You don’t have to--”
“No, sweetheart, listen . I know you’ve heard from everybody and their brother how long I searched for her, how hard I fought to save her, how much it hurt to lose her in the end. That’s all true. And I loved her with as much depth and passion as I was capable of at that point in my life, and I grieved her for a hell of a long time. She’ll always hold a piece of my heart, and I cherish the memories I have of our time together.”
Again Vala tried to speak and again Daniel cut her off. “I’m not done yet. Losing Sha’re was one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced. I suppose I’ll always mourn her a bit. But dammit, Vala! I searched just as hard for you. I fought just as much to find you and save you. I missed you, longed for you, every damn day. And if Mitchell had been right, if Matthias really had killed you?” He shook his head, his voice cracking. “I would’ve been devastated. I don’t even know how I would’ve coped with that. I don’t think I could have.”
He drew a deep breath. “You’ve probably heard the phrase ‘you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.’ That was true for me. I knew I loved you. I knew I was happy with you. But I didn’t realize just how much I was holding myself back. Still playing it safe. Still trying to protect my heart. Then you were gone, and I realized what a fool I’d been. It didn’t even help .”
“Daniel, I've always known you cared about me. I don't think I can even adequately communicate what your belief in me has meant. I just wasn't sure I'd be enough for you. You're the best man I've ever known, and you deserve so much better than me.”
“I don't. I really, really don't. But even if I did, I don't care. I don't want it. I want you . I love you , Vala.” He laughed shortly. “I always wondered if I'd be enough for you. I figured you'd get bored with me and move on. Or find out just how serious I was about you and get spooked.”
“Never. You're stuck with me, darling.”
He smiled, a blissful, beautiful smile that did funny things to her insides. “I've never been so lucky.” He took her hands in his. “Turns out I was the one running anyway. Running from myself. Running from everything I feel for you. I’d been doing it so long it was almost second nature to me. But that’s over now. It’s time to stop running. It’s time for me to come home. And you, Vala Mal Doran, are my home. Always.”
Continue to epilogue.