Its like this
I have had trouble sleeping this past week. Something has been bothering me. I know it deep inside what it is, but i cannot allow myself to think about it outside my head. To hear my emotions pour in to the minds of my friends is too much to bear. They are unable to handle this truth I have inside of me. To be more exact the truth is in my heart and mind. Even now, being completly enonomous I have trouble expressing myself. I am used to restricting my emotions that aren't joy. I absoutly hate expressing sadness to the people around me because they think I am such a happy person all the time. The truth is they don't know what its like for me. I have my moments of happiness everyday where I forget the pain that is tearing me apart, slowly. I want help so badly, but my friends do not know me on this level. In reality I am a very sensitive person. At the same time, I can also be oblivious to what is surrounding me. I tend to avoid the truth and not deal with it. And if i do i brush it off. Everyday i cry on the inside. I would love it if i had one day where i havn't done this, but sadly everyday no matter how well the day went that name passes through my mind. It is an unwelcome name yet at the same time i would love it to see this person. This name and everything that i associate with it is in my daily life. For some reason, everything has its own connection to it. Whether i want it there or not it appears. Reminding me of my sadness. It tears apart a persons heart to have such a sadness. I would love to say that i simpathize with all others going through what i have been experienng, but sadly i don't really care. I want to tell myself that i care, but who am i kidding, i am only human. I try to be giving of myself and to not be so selfish. I have improved upon that this year. It makes me happy to be a giving person, i try my hardest to not be fake about it. It is almost like an addiction. In doing good, i know that it will return to me. It is this dirty sickness inside of me. I am only concerned about the bettering of my life and myself. Why do i care so much about myself. It is not always about me and i have been told on numerous accounts that very same blunt statement. The people that told me this are very near and dear to me. They care about me and show their compassion for me in ways unimaginable. I can never quite repay these people, hopefully in the near future an opportunity will arise where i can show my thanks and grattidue. This year needs to be a time where i am giving of myself to the people in this world that i care about and they care about my well being. I have always had a special connection to writing and expression my emotions through words. This is my greatest weakness, i feel. Sadly all that is inside my mind is only there and in the very tips of my fingers. I think too hard and long about things, but at the same time this words spill upon the page as if they were supposed to be there. I still havn't gotten to my writing as a weakness. I have always counted on myself that i was a good writer. I believe that i am better than average, but that is only my opinon. The truth is, is that all of this that i have wrote are lies. They are lies because they only exist in my head and i am not able to communicate with those that i wish to tell all this to. I wish i could share myself with a person that i truly care about. Unfourtunately, i messed. Who does'n't. But you don't understand. I believe in a thing called second chances. I was hesitant at first, but i figured out that i was once given a second chance and someone did not give up on me so quickly. So i must do the same in return. Second chances can be a difficult choice if there was a past of such pain. I am not talking about physical pain, but that kind that walks through your mind. The pain that someone has betrayed you and has gone behind your back for some reason. We all go behind others backs at some point in our lives. We have a false sense of correctness that leads us down this path. Well i fell for it. I deceived someone and you know what. I got what i deserved. I received a long letter that was very blunt. I can not even begin to tell you how much it was. Becasue people that you put your trust into and time do not even tell you this kind of facts to your face. It is always hard to deal with the truth. Even if you know its right. I am very terrible at accepting the truth. I have this false notion that i am always right. but many people experience this. So hopefully you know what i am trying to say. Well the person that has made the most impact on my life, well lets just say that they aren't there anymore. And sadly i am at a great loss. When some one you care about tells you they will always be there for you, you want to oh so badly with all your heart to believe them. And once an action or more has taken place you slowly begin to believe in them. It is the oddest thing because you can't see it in just a day. Even if you just looked at it day by day. It is just something that happens deep inside your core. I have done so many terrible things to my friends and familiy in the past that i am so ashamed of myself. I try to not think about how terrible i have been to these people. The sad thing is that everyone i call a best friend or close friend has gone through this with me in some way. Even to this day, i have a friend that does not even know the truth about something that has happened. And sadly it was not a big deal at all, and i even told my other friends about it. They havn't told, but the other day it almost slipped. I though what would have happened if i said it outloud. Would we be in some sort of fight or would they just lose faith in me. I am very weary at this hour. But i know that if i went to sleep now i would lie asleep awake, thinking what else could i have wrote about. I actually don't really think about what i write. It is almost this weird sort of phenonmemon i would call it. I really hope i spellled thatword right, but if i did not i appologize in advance. Im human and so be it i am not perfect. You know how relieving it is to say that. Someday i will scream it outloud in public, but for now i will keep it to myself. I have gotten so off topic that it is almost like therapy for my soul. I can feel that the weight in my heart has dissapeard for once. It is a good feeling let me tell you. I rejoice everytime that weight is taken off my heart, even if only for a second. I need to mend my heart and in saying that i feel as if i need to mend my relationships with everyone around me. By doing that i believe that i will finally be able to get over it. When i first fell for this boy, i didn't want to believe that it was happening. Never in my life would i have imagined anything quite like this. A special connection that i shared with only one person. It was beyond any friendship i had ever had or probably will ever have in the future. I would exactly say that i found the one when i first met him. There was just this sort of spark to him that caught my eye. Most days i was too occupied with myself to notice this boy, but slowly i began to look at him in a different light. And then it hit me, like you wouldn't believe. It just struck me as perfection in this very torn up and broken boy. He was so flawed in all the ways that i wasn't and it went the same for me. He was lacking where i was strongest and where i had lost a part of my self he completed me. I am sorry if this sounds so cliche, but it is in my head and heart and that is the best to my ability to explain it. Just thinking about him now i begin to breathe harder. My stomach slighty begins to knot. And this new song that im listening to i attach him to it. I attach him to my everyday life. It is almost this obessiveness that has taken over my mind. I do not speak about it to my friends, they woudlnt' know what to do. Really i don't go on a limb to associate him into my life. If i could it would be better if i could completly forget about him. But who am i kidding, i would have nothing to live for if it wasn't for him. He saved me from myself. I want to cry every time i think about him. I am not sure wheather it is because i am sad, or that i am remembering the good days. And even then the good days were filled with so much drama if you took the time to look at it closely. When i met this boy and first started to notice him i began writing in a journal. When i went home over break i tried to look for that journal everywhere possible in my room. But sadly it was not to be found. It wasn't the right moment to look at it becasue if it was i swear it would have been where it was supposed to be. I was such a hesitant naive girl when i first met him. It is almost scary how much i have grown since then. I knew back then i wasn't a great person, but i had such a light to me it seemed. I always tried to find the good in every situation, person, and life. And i didn't even try to it just appeared to me in a good light. It might have been my way of denying there thing that was, but it kept me going. I am tired tired now. I know that my true love will never glance at this in his life time. He is too involved in his new life to even care anymore. Or so i thought, i saw him about two weeks ago. I asked him if he still loved me and he replied with a kiss. What does that mean, i asked him again and his response was didn't i just kiss you? I am unsure of what that means, but i know that i wanted to hear him say he loved me just one more time more than anything in the world. Because sadly i still love, always will. Now a days it seems as though i am in love with his old self even though i know that person doesn't exist anymore. I miss him terribly. I didn't know my mind could be shattered like this. I ned to take controll of my life, but what to do when that perosn is on your mind like a record track. I miss them good old days, i took them for granted i ll be the first to admit it. If only he would get past it that i am not perfect and neither is he, but while that is the truth our non perfection creates this connection we share. I love him and maybe someday he will be able to tell me that same thing back and mean it for ever and always like he said.