Merry(?) Christmas!
It's been awhile, yes? Lately I've been getting the impulse to blog a lot more...I guess we'll see what comes of that. But for now let's just get into the topic at hand...
WHY I DON'T LIKE CHRISTMAS
Ok, so I know what you're thinking: "Here comes a whiney post about all the little things that bother Kyle, that we all also have to deal with."...and to an extent, yes that's what this. But seriously, this was by far the worst Christmas (and by that I mean, the one with the least amount of redeeming factors/moments...because none of them in recent memory have been "good") ever! I know everyone has family shit or stress around the holidays that they would rather not deal with, or that they wish was different. I, however, am coming to the realisation that this time of year just isn't generally a happy time for me.
Most of it has to do with my family. Now, before I get into this I would like to say that I realise that some people have it WAY worse than I do when it comes to family troubles. What bothers me the most though is just how little I have in common with almost every member of my extended family in terms of social/political, cultural, religious, moral and intellectual issues...I just got back from Spain two weeks ago, but was my family even remotely interested? No, because they know absolutely nothing about Spain! Two thirds of them probably couldn't even find it on a map, but it wouldn't have mattered because I travelled outside of the good ol' US of A, so who cares, right? I'm a fourth year student at the largest university in the country, majoring in Music Education and German, but do most of them even a) know that or b) care? No...Music is a poor/gay person's occupation and German is the Nazi language. And on top of the fact that I really have nothing (that I even remotely care about) to talk to them about, I'm forced to listen to/participate in the same fucking stories and conversations ever year. I hear the same thoughts and opinions on the same topics every year...to the point that I can almost predict who's going to say what, and in which order! It's just so mind-numbing!
Our "family" gatherings - basically a merging of my grandfather's kids from two marriages and their kids, and his second wife's extended family - feel like something that I will just never fit in at. There are usually quite a few people at Thanksgiving and Christmas, and even though I'm technically related to most of them through more divorces and re-marriages than actual blood, most of these marriages and such happened before I was even born. Despite this and the fact that they've known me since I was literally a baby, most of the adults other than my grandfather, his wife, my mom, my mom, her two brothers and their wives and my dad have never really spoken to me...to the extent that I think they would probably have trouble remembering my name if I were to see them out and about...which would never happen anyway! I can't say that this really bothers me per se, I just think it's another really fucked up thing about my family.
Also, it doesn't really help me feel anymore welcome in a house full of crazy-conservative Southern Baptists who never swear, drink or even talk about these things, and who also belittle and mock gays (and just about every other minority) whenever they get the chance. I don't think this would really bother me all that much (seeing as how I'm not really emotionally invested in most of these people that make up our "family" anyway) if it weren't for the fact that apparently I'm getting to the age when I should be bringing a girl around or whatever. My cousin just got married about a year ago...she works at a hospital (but not like smart people hospital work) and he works at Starbuck's. They're both 21. Neither of them attended or has any plans to attend college. They live with her parents...yet the whole family ranted and raved about how happy they were for them. Seeing as I'm the first child from my generation of grandkids (I'm NOT the oldest, btw) to even ATTEND college, this sort of offends me.
My family will never be happy for me and whoever I end up spending my life with, that's something I just have to accept. Being happy for a gay person is just something that they could never wrap their minds around. I was never a violent juvenile delinquent who is now basically a drifter/compulsive liar. I didn't get kicked out of high school for brandishing a knife at someone for making fun of my last name. I'm not 22 years old and still obsessed with Yu-Gi-Oh, Transormers and the like...I turned out fairly normal I'd say. But I'm gay, so I really have no place in this family, and that it made clearer and clearer every year. Like I said, it's not really that big of a deal to me, but these people are so damn good at faking!
Of course I've known since before I was even out to myself that gays were not well-liked in my extended family, so obviously, outside of the only other two cousins who have a chance at making something of themselves (my two saviours at family functions!), I haven't come out to any of them because I know it would cause more drama for my mom and dad than I feel is necessary, especially given how apathetic I generally feel towards the family. What really bugs me though is just how interested some of them act in my life and how nice they can be, when I know that they would pull a complete 180 if they knew I was a pickle sniffer.
It just fucking sucks to know that the people who are supposed to love and support you through anything, no matter, really wouldn't give two shits about me if they actually knew anything about my personal life. I know a lot of people loathe the holidays because of things very similar to this...I just felt like becoming one of those people who vocalises it.
I just don't get how I am who I am with all these people as examples....
- Kyle
PS - Upon re-reading this, I realise just how extremely bitter it comes across...which is fine, really. Some of the things that I hate about this time of year and being around my family are especially hard right now...but that's a topic for my end of the year post in a few days.
I don't really wish to slam any of the members of my family personally because I really do love some of them, and they have been good to me, but even with a lot of them...I still feel like they'd only love the me they see, not the real person who doesn't hold people to this pre-conceived notion of how all people should be, unless they want to go to Hell.
WHY I DON'T LIKE CHRISTMAS
Ok, so I know what you're thinking: "Here comes a whiney post about all the little things that bother Kyle, that we all also have to deal with."...and to an extent, yes that's what this. But seriously, this was by far the worst Christmas (and by that I mean, the one with the least amount of redeeming factors/moments...because none of them in recent memory have been "good") ever! I know everyone has family shit or stress around the holidays that they would rather not deal with, or that they wish was different. I, however, am coming to the realisation that this time of year just isn't generally a happy time for me.
Most of it has to do with my family. Now, before I get into this I would like to say that I realise that some people have it WAY worse than I do when it comes to family troubles. What bothers me the most though is just how little I have in common with almost every member of my extended family in terms of social/political, cultural, religious, moral and intellectual issues...I just got back from Spain two weeks ago, but was my family even remotely interested? No, because they know absolutely nothing about Spain! Two thirds of them probably couldn't even find it on a map, but it wouldn't have mattered because I travelled outside of the good ol' US of A, so who cares, right? I'm a fourth year student at the largest university in the country, majoring in Music Education and German, but do most of them even a) know that or b) care? No...Music is a poor/gay person's occupation and German is the Nazi language. And on top of the fact that I really have nothing (that I even remotely care about) to talk to them about, I'm forced to listen to/participate in the same fucking stories and conversations ever year. I hear the same thoughts and opinions on the same topics every year...to the point that I can almost predict who's going to say what, and in which order! It's just so mind-numbing!
Our "family" gatherings - basically a merging of my grandfather's kids from two marriages and their kids, and his second wife's extended family - feel like something that I will just never fit in at. There are usually quite a few people at Thanksgiving and Christmas, and even though I'm technically related to most of them through more divorces and re-marriages than actual blood, most of these marriages and such happened before I was even born. Despite this and the fact that they've known me since I was literally a baby, most of the adults other than my grandfather, his wife, my mom, my mom, her two brothers and their wives and my dad have never really spoken to me...to the extent that I think they would probably have trouble remembering my name if I were to see them out and about...which would never happen anyway! I can't say that this really bothers me per se, I just think it's another really fucked up thing about my family.
Also, it doesn't really help me feel anymore welcome in a house full of crazy-conservative Southern Baptists who never swear, drink or even talk about these things, and who also belittle and mock gays (and just about every other minority) whenever they get the chance. I don't think this would really bother me all that much (seeing as how I'm not really emotionally invested in most of these people that make up our "family" anyway) if it weren't for the fact that apparently I'm getting to the age when I should be bringing a girl around or whatever. My cousin just got married about a year ago...she works at a hospital (but not like smart people hospital work) and he works at Starbuck's. They're both 21. Neither of them attended or has any plans to attend college. They live with her parents...yet the whole family ranted and raved about how happy they were for them. Seeing as I'm the first child from my generation of grandkids (I'm NOT the oldest, btw) to even ATTEND college, this sort of offends me.
My family will never be happy for me and whoever I end up spending my life with, that's something I just have to accept. Being happy for a gay person is just something that they could never wrap their minds around. I was never a violent juvenile delinquent who is now basically a drifter/compulsive liar. I didn't get kicked out of high school for brandishing a knife at someone for making fun of my last name. I'm not 22 years old and still obsessed with Yu-Gi-Oh, Transormers and the like...I turned out fairly normal I'd say. But I'm gay, so I really have no place in this family, and that it made clearer and clearer every year. Like I said, it's not really that big of a deal to me, but these people are so damn good at faking!
Of course I've known since before I was even out to myself that gays were not well-liked in my extended family, so obviously, outside of the only other two cousins who have a chance at making something of themselves (my two saviours at family functions!), I haven't come out to any of them because I know it would cause more drama for my mom and dad than I feel is necessary, especially given how apathetic I generally feel towards the family. What really bugs me though is just how interested some of them act in my life and how nice they can be, when I know that they would pull a complete 180 if they knew I was a pickle sniffer.
It just fucking sucks to know that the people who are supposed to love and support you through anything, no matter, really wouldn't give two shits about me if they actually knew anything about my personal life. I know a lot of people loathe the holidays because of things very similar to this...I just felt like becoming one of those people who vocalises it.
I just don't get how I am who I am with all these people as examples....
- Kyle
PS - Upon re-reading this, I realise just how extremely bitter it comes across...which is fine, really. Some of the things that I hate about this time of year and being around my family are especially hard right now...but that's a topic for my end of the year post in a few days.
I don't really wish to slam any of the members of my family personally because I really do love some of them, and they have been good to me, but even with a lot of them...I still feel like they'd only love the me they see, not the real person who doesn't hold people to this pre-conceived notion of how all people should be, unless they want to go to Hell.