The Obligatory 'End-Of-The-Year' Post!
Well, as I've started most of my entries this year...It's been awhile! Four and half months to be exact, but who's counting? I don't really know what happened this year. I just...detached. Sometimes I regret it, sometimes I don't, but I really don't think about it that much. My only real intent with this entry is to confirm to people that I don't converse with too often that, yes, I am alive and also just to vent.
Unfortunately, this year's send off will be nothing like the amazing year that was 2003. I didn't do this last year either, for some reason. Two-thousand four ended on very, very unstable emotions and circumstances, and I almost feel like 2005 never really got past that. Don't get me wrong, there were definite positives this year, it just seems like the weekly ShitFests got more of my attention this year. And hey, maybe it's my fault! Maybe I focused on the wrong things, maybe I caused some or all of the drama, maybe I lost some of that resilience I bragged about in 2003...who the hells know. All I know is that I really don't feel like I learned much about anything non-academic in 2005, which is sad, considering how different I feel from 2003 and 2004, but in any case, I think a recap of the major events for my own "beneficial reminiscence" (i used that phrase in 2003, and I really like it) is in order...
Well, I started off the year with Dave (for the second time). I don't think the fact that we got back together really surprised anyone, but I know is disappointed a lot of people. Dave is honestly the only mistake I've ever made that I honestly and truly wish I hadn't. All he ever did for me was lead to one disappointment after the next, make me incredibly bitter and he was the first person who ever actually got me to take my friends for granted, and that's something I still can't forgive myself for. Even though most of my friends were pretty upset (not necessarily at me, but because they knew I was wasting my time and being shit on, much like how I feel about a certain friend and his scumbag of a boyfriend right now :-x) they've just chalked it up to infatuation and first college love...but whatever, what I did and how I treated people while i was with Dave was stupid and should never have happened
And to make matters worse, I spend the next several months just being very bitter and jaded because of the whole ordeal. To be quite honest, Dave threw me outta my groove really badly, and I still hate him for it. I've always considered myself such a relationship driven person, and even though I still FEEL that way, every time something good or with true lasting potential has come along since then, I've snuffed it off and jumped ship, and it's shitty...but whatever, maybe it's a phase I'm in...we'll see
Frankly, from an academic standpoint, my first year at OSU sucked. I could've and should've done so much better than I did...I just didn't. It may have been laziness or apathy, but it was so below the standards I had for myself in high school, and at the time, I didn't even care. I still don't really (hey, i'm being honest tonight) but I'm starting to realise that I can push myself a little harder and still be happy. First quarter of my second year, while actually being the most intense and high-stress thus far, was actually my strongest so far, which makes very little sense, but I have a pretty different attitude about things this year...which may be a good thing...I guess we'll see where it gets me this Winter.
So, we come to this summer...which was a textbook example of duality. I was living and working with 16 other people I absolutely LOVED and having the time of my life almost every day, yet emotionally I was more battered, bruised and confused than I think I've ever been. I was still riding the bitterness wave, but I was trying so damn hard to make something happen...and every time I felt like something was going to work out, I got fucked over. At the height of it all I was betrayed by someone I considered to be a best friend...and in retrospect it was over someone/something pretty fucking menial anyway...but that's another story...I am very happy to say that Kyle and I are friends again, although I'm not sure that it'll ever be in the same capacity as before.
Mike was one really redeeming quality of this summer...but as in the past, things started to get comfortable and I freaked out...so yeah, that's how that went...
Unlike Dave though, everything that happened this Summer served a much-needed purpose and I consider it the best part of this year. My job was amazing...well not the work so much, but the people, the living situation, the everything...I met some amazing, amazing people and just had an amazing experience.
The first quarter of this year has come and gone, which is still hard to grasp. Like I said, it sucked schedule wise, but I survived and actually came out pretty far ahead. Emotionally, I've made A LOT of mistakes and I'm still feeling pretty bitter and jaded most of the time. The trouble is in the fact that I know I want something in terms of a relationship with someone, but all I've done this year is make it harder and harder for someone to get close to me...I'm fucked up, i know...
It seems like there was so much more to write about in 2003, but as I'm typing this now I really have nothing much else to touch on, I feel like I left out too many of the positives to be comfortable with this though, so...in the form of a list...here are my favourite things from 2005:
- Sara, Randy, Rebecca and Joanna
- My entire Summer with SCH...the very last night with Jenna, Joe and Jordan being my fave!
- All the drunken memories (well, things other people have told me ;])
- My new apartment and roomies that actually talk to me
- Katie Teubl
Now, you're probably thinking...that's it?!...and no, it's not. But those are the things that came to mind immediately that got me through this year, there were A LOT more positives this year, I just don't feel like elaborating! (Trust me, I left out A LOOOOOOT of negatives as well...)
So yeah, 2005 was by-and-large a year of mistakes. That is crystal clear to me. Some of them are very apparent and some of them probably aren't, and won't be for awhile, but what can I do about that, ya know? I've never ever been one to have "resolutions" for the new year, because no one fucking keeps them, and it's just a gestural thing as far as I'm concerned, but I honestly do have "goals" for 2006...and a short and incomplete list of them follows:
- FIRST AND FOREMOST: Drop the smoking thing..it's disgusting and i NEVER should've started
- Keep up the academic progress I'm making
- Regain and retain contact with people far away
- Keep up with the working out thing: I FAR excelled my expectations starting this school year and I want to keep it up
- There were a lot of...physical...mistakes made this year...I need to cut that shit out
- Love more
- Trust more
- Gossip less
- Hate less
So, that's it...all I have to say about 2005 right now...pretty uplifting isn't it?!...Honestly, I'll be surprised if anyone reads this all the way through anyhow, but hey, it's good to vent right.
If you did read all the way through this, I love you. If you didn't hey, I love you too! (See, I'm getting started on my "goals") I just want everyone to know that if you were disappointed in me in 2005...good! I was too! This coming year will be different, let's just hope I get my fucking act together and reclaim what I had two years ago...
"More love, I can hear our hearts cryin’
More love, I know that’s all we need
More love, to flow in between us
To take us and hold us and lift us above
If there’s ever an answer,
It’s more love"
- Kyle
[ CLONED FROM: HALOGEN ]
Unfortunately, this year's send off will be nothing like the amazing year that was 2003. I didn't do this last year either, for some reason. Two-thousand four ended on very, very unstable emotions and circumstances, and I almost feel like 2005 never really got past that. Don't get me wrong, there were definite positives this year, it just seems like the weekly ShitFests got more of my attention this year. And hey, maybe it's my fault! Maybe I focused on the wrong things, maybe I caused some or all of the drama, maybe I lost some of that resilience I bragged about in 2003...who the hells know. All I know is that I really don't feel like I learned much about anything non-academic in 2005, which is sad, considering how different I feel from 2003 and 2004, but in any case, I think a recap of the major events for my own "beneficial reminiscence" (i used that phrase in 2003, and I really like it) is in order...
Well, I started off the year with Dave (for the second time). I don't think the fact that we got back together really surprised anyone, but I know is disappointed a lot of people. Dave is honestly the only mistake I've ever made that I honestly and truly wish I hadn't. All he ever did for me was lead to one disappointment after the next, make me incredibly bitter and he was the first person who ever actually got me to take my friends for granted, and that's something I still can't forgive myself for. Even though most of my friends were pretty upset (not necessarily at me, but because they knew I was wasting my time and being shit on, much like how I feel about a certain friend and his scumbag of a boyfriend right now :-x) they've just chalked it up to infatuation and first college love...but whatever, what I did and how I treated people while i was with Dave was stupid and should never have happened
And to make matters worse, I spend the next several months just being very bitter and jaded because of the whole ordeal. To be quite honest, Dave threw me outta my groove really badly, and I still hate him for it. I've always considered myself such a relationship driven person, and even though I still FEEL that way, every time something good or with true lasting potential has come along since then, I've snuffed it off and jumped ship, and it's shitty...but whatever, maybe it's a phase I'm in...we'll see
Frankly, from an academic standpoint, my first year at OSU sucked. I could've and should've done so much better than I did...I just didn't. It may have been laziness or apathy, but it was so below the standards I had for myself in high school, and at the time, I didn't even care. I still don't really (hey, i'm being honest tonight) but I'm starting to realise that I can push myself a little harder and still be happy. First quarter of my second year, while actually being the most intense and high-stress thus far, was actually my strongest so far, which makes very little sense, but I have a pretty different attitude about things this year...which may be a good thing...I guess we'll see where it gets me this Winter.
So, we come to this summer...which was a textbook example of duality. I was living and working with 16 other people I absolutely LOVED and having the time of my life almost every day, yet emotionally I was more battered, bruised and confused than I think I've ever been. I was still riding the bitterness wave, but I was trying so damn hard to make something happen...and every time I felt like something was going to work out, I got fucked over. At the height of it all I was betrayed by someone I considered to be a best friend...and in retrospect it was over someone/something pretty fucking menial anyway...but that's another story...I am very happy to say that Kyle and I are friends again, although I'm not sure that it'll ever be in the same capacity as before.
Mike was one really redeeming quality of this summer...but as in the past, things started to get comfortable and I freaked out...so yeah, that's how that went...
Unlike Dave though, everything that happened this Summer served a much-needed purpose and I consider it the best part of this year. My job was amazing...well not the work so much, but the people, the living situation, the everything...I met some amazing, amazing people and just had an amazing experience.
The first quarter of this year has come and gone, which is still hard to grasp. Like I said, it sucked schedule wise, but I survived and actually came out pretty far ahead. Emotionally, I've made A LOT of mistakes and I'm still feeling pretty bitter and jaded most of the time. The trouble is in the fact that I know I want something in terms of a relationship with someone, but all I've done this year is make it harder and harder for someone to get close to me...I'm fucked up, i know...
It seems like there was so much more to write about in 2003, but as I'm typing this now I really have nothing much else to touch on, I feel like I left out too many of the positives to be comfortable with this though, so...in the form of a list...here are my favourite things from 2005:
- Sara, Randy, Rebecca and Joanna
- My entire Summer with SCH...the very last night with Jenna, Joe and Jordan being my fave!
- All the drunken memories (well, things other people have told me ;])
- My new apartment and roomies that actually talk to me
- Katie Teubl
Now, you're probably thinking...that's it?!...and no, it's not. But those are the things that came to mind immediately that got me through this year, there were A LOT more positives this year, I just don't feel like elaborating! (Trust me, I left out A LOOOOOOT of negatives as well...)
So yeah, 2005 was by-and-large a year of mistakes. That is crystal clear to me. Some of them are very apparent and some of them probably aren't, and won't be for awhile, but what can I do about that, ya know? I've never ever been one to have "resolutions" for the new year, because no one fucking keeps them, and it's just a gestural thing as far as I'm concerned, but I honestly do have "goals" for 2006...and a short and incomplete list of them follows:
- FIRST AND FOREMOST: Drop the smoking thing..it's disgusting and i NEVER should've started
- Keep up the academic progress I'm making
- Regain and retain contact with people far away
- Keep up with the working out thing: I FAR excelled my expectations starting this school year and I want to keep it up
- There were a lot of...physical...mistakes made this year...I need to cut that shit out
- Love more
- Trust more
- Gossip less
- Hate less
So, that's it...all I have to say about 2005 right now...pretty uplifting isn't it?!...Honestly, I'll be surprised if anyone reads this all the way through anyhow, but hey, it's good to vent right.
If you did read all the way through this, I love you. If you didn't hey, I love you too! (See, I'm getting started on my "goals") I just want everyone to know that if you were disappointed in me in 2005...good! I was too! This coming year will be different, let's just hope I get my fucking act together and reclaim what I had two years ago...
"More love, I can hear our hearts cryin’
More love, I know that’s all we need
More love, to flow in between us
To take us and hold us and lift us above
If there’s ever an answer,
It’s more love"
- Kyle
[ CLONED FROM: HALOGEN ]