Otakon draws near, and so do my fears.
Well, I'm pumped for the big event of every year for me since 2001. Yes, that's right, Otakon is coming right up, boys and girls. Well, truthfully, I'm feeling both excited and kind of worried. You see, this is probably going to be my last year at college before I graduate and real life starts actually factoring into things fully for me. Yes, I've talked to some of you about my feelings about this and god bless you all, doing the best to reassure me that things wont change too much and we'll keep in touch. Hell, I'm trying to stay optimistic about things still staying the same. I guess my fear is rooted that me and my family moved from place to place and each time I'd never see or hear from the people I actually gave a damn about in each place (the people that weren't assholes, not many, needless to say, though fife and my former girlfriend jen are notable exceptions), though it never really hurt all that much cause cause I never had all that many close friends to remember. Now that I truly found my group, this time it would be truly a punch to the stomach if it's the same cycle repeated over again. I guess my major fear is that this coming Otakon will be the last big time I get to hang out with you guys and I don't want that to be the case. While I was over in Binghamton, my older brother kinda reiterated that point into me that people are there for a certain period in your life then they're gone and that's the way it goes, and his wife (don't get me wrong, they're both nice and well-meaning people) was like "don't worry, that's what the reunions are for" yeah, in 10, 20, 50 years and that's for the people that actually graduated from Mansfield. It doesn't help much that I don't know how to drive, and because of my mild autism, chances that I will ever drive are pretty slim. I'm sure this will all pass given time and I'm just in a phase right now. I've just seen my entire life change inside and out many times over in my almost 24 years of living (not alluding to moving either). I love you all and I see you all just like family to me, and I don't want to see that all of a sudden disappear on me and be left with only memories to hold onto. At the same time though, and I feel horrible saying this, but I guess I wanna kinda distance myself somewhat (not fully) from my real family and not have it revert to "hey, it's Chris, we gotta babysit him and not let him be an individual cause he can't fully take care of himself on his own". What's also scary is that's kinda true, I don't really have a lot of the life skills necessary to make it out on my own, I'd instantly be like a fish out of water. Not that I want to be a complete hermit and live totally on my own for the rest of my life, I'd like to find love somwhere along the way (though I'm not gonna go about it all crazy like some people *cough*eric*cough*. I don't honestly know where I'm really going with this, this is basically a stream of consciousness of what comes to mind as I'm pouring my guts to you all, for all I know, I'm just having a brief moment of nervous breakdown, don't know. I'm sorry this is a long and winding post full of tangents, I just needed to get a lot of things off of my chest and I figure the best people to do it with would be you guys, the same exact people I trust implicitly. Thank you all from the bottom from my heart for being there for me when I need you and I totally look forward to seeing you all at the con.