my sucky health..
well for the last week or so my migraines and stomache pains have been getting worse..so since i hadnt had anything to eat the last couple of days my stomache got really bad and by the time i actually got to eat i began vomiting up blood..pretty normal..or should i say its not out of the ordianry for me..but it wasnt bad at first..but when i woke up this morning i puked up about a toilet full of bright red blood..and by this time my stomache hurt so bad..and my throat was closing shut so i couldnt take any pills or anything..my head hurt really bad and what not..so i went to the hospital only to have them pretty much blow me off because i have no insurance..of course they cant deny me..but they can piss me off enough to leave..which they did by letting 3 people who got there almost 30 minutes after me go before me..all one of them had was a cold..wtf!!but anyways i left..and just said to hell with it..i came home and force fed myself some mashed potatoes..they stayed down and my throat started to open up so i took some ulcer pills that my mom has..i thought they were doing good but i ate dinner a few hours ago and then i started to puke again..not so much blood this time but enough to worry me..blah.. anyways..
i was thinking to myself that maybe i should stop stressing so much..and then i started to wonder about what i was stressing about..and after a talk with nick..i found out..i fell out of love with nick a while back..i figured it was a defense mechanism to help me from gettin hurt again..hes hurt me alot in the past..hes been very stupid and done things behind my back that i never thought he would do..i trusted him so much..and to find all this out hurt..so i figured by pushing him away i wouldnt get hurt..and lying to myself didnt help much either..i told him and myself that i didnt want to be with him because i wasnt ready for a relationship..that wasnt it at all..i wasnt ready to open up and risk getting hurt again..ive been hurt so many times in my life and never really knew how to cope with it other than block it out and not talk about it..which led up to my nervous breakdown..so i figured if i didnt open up i wouldnt get hurt again..when in reality it hurt me more..i love nick so much and have ever since i met him..and i want to be with him and trust that he wont hurt me again..but how do you trust again??my mom trusted my dad after he fucked around the first time..and he did it again..my own dad did it..how am i supposed to trust that he wont..i hate the fact that my parents couldnt work it out and talk..i think that if they had learned to do so..maybe i wouldnt be so screwed up now..and i wouldnt run from everything..and i wouldnt be a workaholic just to hide from my problems..when working so much actually is making more health problems for me..i think thats all i have to say..im going to get myself worked up more and start getting sick again..so im going to bed..i love you guys..night
i was thinking to myself that maybe i should stop stressing so much..and then i started to wonder about what i was stressing about..and after a talk with nick..i found out..i fell out of love with nick a while back..i figured it was a defense mechanism to help me from gettin hurt again..hes hurt me alot in the past..hes been very stupid and done things behind my back that i never thought he would do..i trusted him so much..and to find all this out hurt..so i figured by pushing him away i wouldnt get hurt..and lying to myself didnt help much either..i told him and myself that i didnt want to be with him because i wasnt ready for a relationship..that wasnt it at all..i wasnt ready to open up and risk getting hurt again..ive been hurt so many times in my life and never really knew how to cope with it other than block it out and not talk about it..which led up to my nervous breakdown..so i figured if i didnt open up i wouldnt get hurt again..when in reality it hurt me more..i love nick so much and have ever since i met him..and i want to be with him and trust that he wont hurt me again..but how do you trust again??my mom trusted my dad after he fucked around the first time..and he did it again..my own dad did it..how am i supposed to trust that he wont..i hate the fact that my parents couldnt work it out and talk..i think that if they had learned to do so..maybe i wouldnt be so screwed up now..and i wouldnt run from everything..and i wouldnt be a workaholic just to hide from my problems..when working so much actually is making more health problems for me..i think thats all i have to say..im going to get myself worked up more and start getting sick again..so im going to bed..i love you guys..night