Eventual Downfall
Author: KeepCalmN_AKTF
Title: Eventual Downfall
Length: OneShot
Pairing: Hinted YunJae, OT5
Rating: G
Genre: Angst,
Disclaimer: Read and enjoy - don't take credit for my work.
Warnings: Hinted Mental Illness, SELF HARM, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS
Summary: How my loneliness and heartbreak became my refuge, and how I let it consume me. I should have sought help sooner, but that’s difficult when you’re in such a deep pit of despair where nothing makes rational sense anymore - where nothing can break the robotic merry-go-round your life’s routine has become.
AN: This is a warning: The writing here is crap!
ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST
Yoochun got married. It was honestly one of the happiest moments of my life. The nervous smile on his lips, the excited glimmer in his eyes and the bright aura radiating off of him. I was over the moon. My happiness for my friend crushed the little voice in the back of my conscience - the little voice that was whimpering…afraid of losing his friend to a new life. A new wonderful life. A life without me. I didn’t let my fear win. This was one of the best things that had happened to Chunnie and how could I even imagine being anything less than drunk with joy? I was so happy that Junsu had to drag me away from the dance floor, and Yoochun had to nudge me to stop hugging the bride and groom like a cushion.
Then father died. It was one of the worst things that had happened to me. I was lost. Afraid. Broken. I couldn’t be the pillar of support for my family because I was breaking apart myself. They had to forget their own grief and keep me from going insane. I had failed him. Father had always wanted to see my children before he passed away. I had failed to make his dream come true. I guess I was so occupied with my work that father’s state didn’t register in my mind. I’d failed. Maybe if they’d adopted someone else…maybe they would have had grandchildren already. I fell into depression. The drinking got worse. My focus at work became hazy. I believed things couldn’t get worst.
I was wrong.
As selfish as it was, losing father was still not as core shattering as hearing about the country’s golden boy, South Korea’s pride, the Industry’s leader and my…my Yunnie getting married.
I couldn’t believe it. He’d moved on. He’d really moved on. And here I was, always believing that there was some hope. That he would at least talk to me before committing to a relationship. Even though Junsu and Yoochun tried to tell me that he’d sent invitations to the three of us - it was a lie. Yunho had chosen to invite only them…I was excluded from the supposed best day of his life. They didn’t attend, feeling betrayed on my behalf. And anyways, it’s not like Chunnie had invited them to his wedding. But it hurt. It hurt like hell. Maybe if I was there, at the event, watching him smile at someone so adoringly…then maybe there was a chance of closure. Was it not the case for him? Did Yunho not need or want to see me face to face one last time? Did he think I would rampage his perfect day? Did his opinion really sink that low of me? Then again, who didn’t? It wasn’t his fault. It was mine. It was my fault for believing in Cassiopeia’s dream of reunion between us.
The cutting began by accident. I didn’t mean to slit my thigh - it just grazed the counter where the screw driver was precariously balancing. I hadn’t given thought to how intense the pain in my heart was before my attention was on the blood and stinging on my leg and away from the sadness. I hadn’t realised my heart was constantly hurting. The sting of the cut…it was a relief in the most horrible form. I wanted a break from the overwhelming emotions and the razor offered that. A momentary distraction from the bloodbath taking place in my heart. I couldn’t refuse.
I was a definition for broken.
Yoochun had a healthy, beautiful baby boy. In all the darkness, the infant’s existence somehow lifted some unknown weight off my shoulders. But the little angel’s smiles and grabby hands couldn’t stop the cutting. I think it’d become an addiction. A new sanctuary from life.
Then Junsu, precious Junsu met his other half. As happy as I was for him - I became lonely. My members had families now, new responsibilities and lives. JYJ was no longer their top priority. But that was ok. We were still friends and there for each other. I knew that. Maybe I should have opened up to one of them about my problem…but I couldn’t. Not when they had so much amazing things happening. How could I dampen their lives with such ghastly information? I didn’t want to disappoint them. They thought I was doing ok. Everyone thought I was doing ok. ‘A man out to get the world’ they called me. Little did they know? I guess Yoochun was right, I’m a better actor than I give myself credit for.
Yunho had a baby girl. I’d tell you how I felt, but I don’t know either. My heart was numb. But I convinced myself I was happy for him.
Family responsibilities and JYJ became difficult to maintain simultaneously. They had to choose. I don’t begrudge Junsu or Yoochun for their decisions. They did what was right. Solo activities were better for them both. Everyone knew that. And so, JYJ officially stopped promoting as a group. It was over. In a sense, SM won that battle.
My growing solitude became my refuge.
Life became a cycle of predictable events…only to be broken by everyone’s favourite Maknae. Changmin, forever the mature one. Having dinner with him again…after all these years. It was strange. I didn’t know how to treat him. Meeting him, I’d never thought it would feel so stiff, every smile and conversation forced. Somehow, when he randomly showed up at my rehearsal venue, there was a tiny simmering hope brewing. Was I convinced that we could cheer each other up? Maybe a one-touch would have helped. He seemed genuine though. The long overdue catch up - it didn’t help. He said he was hurt that Yoochun and Junsu hadn’t invited him to their weddings, and that they hadn’t shown up to Yunho’s. I didn’t ask about my missing invite. But Changmin, he clocked on. He said there’d been a mistake, that Yunho had personally made three cards for Yoochun, Junsu and I. A technical error causing in the loss of one card. Did I believe him? Perhaps.
Time went on, life continued, things got worst. My solitude started to scare me. Being alone at home - it became a terrifying nightmare. Can someone develop claustrophobia? Everything felt suffocating. I became more distant. More so than ever before. I couldn’t help it. The blanks in memory…that’s when they started.
Changmin seemed determine to get the five us to start talking to each other. It wasn’t that hard. Yunho and Yoochun’s wives both went into labour a second time on the same day, at the same hospital and happened to be admitted into the same ward. It was a joyous occasion, I guess. Especially considering 2U started talking and bonding over family life. Previous issues, apparently forgotten. I couldn’t bring myself to care enough or be happy.
Changmin succeeded in bringing us together. The reason for his mission: he was getting married. Funny, huh? It felt strange, like being with a bunch of people you’ve never met before, even Heechul’s peacekeeping failed to repair a broken bond. It was just me, I guess. Minnie…he seemed happy. He was settling down along with his hyungs, the five of us were together under the same roof and talking civilly. Four, now, with wives. Two with toddlers and infants in their arms. Happy families.
Then there was me. All alone. I was there, physically. But mentally…I don’t know. It’s like my hands had a mind of their own. As soon Yunho came in sight with his picture perfect family, my fingers automatically started rubbing the spot of the morning’s fresh cut on my forearm. The rubbing on my sleeve irritated the wound…relief. The stinging on my arm kept me grounded. It was the only way I could meet him, look him in the eye and congratulate him on his family…on the tiny bundle in his arms, without the scary memory gaps. She’s nice, by the way. His wife. Of course she is. She married Jung Yunho, she had to be an incredible person.
I was way past and beyond the point of caring and being sincere. The smiles - fake. The congratulatory hugs - forced. Everything. It’s was all an act. Why was I keeping it up? I don’t know. But somehow, I guess deep down I knew. I felt like a dark cloud was hovering above me, shadowing me from joining in their happiness. Was I the only one feeling out of place? The others got along perfectly. Painful history forgotten. Much to Changmin’s disdain, his now wife was a big XIA fan. Needless to say, the beautiful wives of all four became instant friends. How could they not? The two toddlers were all over each other. It was amusing to see them making fun of the DBSK couples and pushing the four men to act cute with each other. Of course, no one mentioned YunJae. Yunho’s wife, his beautiful wife, she stole a glance my way. He’d told her. She knew. Was that a look of pity she gave me? I would have been humiliated under normal circumstances, but not on that day.
It didn’t occur to me that my behaviour and reaction to everything was not normal. I was too far gone to the dark. It engulfed my waking hours and haunted my sleep.
The blanks in my memory became prominent enough to catch my attention. The heaviness in my heart and ache in my limbs in regular mornings - they started to take a toll on my work. I know what you’re thinking. Alcohol. But you’re wrong. I wasn’t getting drunk or high. I didn’t even bother with those anymore, the razor was enough of a companion. But the blanks were getting bigger. I started to forget whole days. I knew it meant something. Something bad. But, well…the truth is I was well and truly depressed. Suicide was an idea I toyed with on regular occasions. Sometimes, I’d wake up with a pounding headache, with no memory of the previous night, and be afraid. I was afraid. Not because of the mental state I was in. But because I genuinely did not care anymore.
Changmin had twins. Can you believe it? The same guy feeding a cat in Hug, now a father? It’s ridiculous. Junsu says it’s hilarious to watch the maknae struggle with twins. I wouldn’t know though. There were celebrations going on. For Christmas, birthdays…I don’t now anymore. Everything was foggy.
“You’ve gotten too skinny!”
“Jae, why don’t you take some time off work and go for a break with your friends?”
“Hyung, please. Let’s go somewhere. Anywhere you want. It will just be us.”
“Yah, you’ve got to stop this behaviour. Junsu is scared. So am I! Jae, please…what do you need? Tell me. Please talk to me.”
“Hyung, I know you’re busy, but I want to discuss something. You always wanted a DBSK reunion, didn’t you? We can make it happen, hyung! Yunho hung says we can do a collaboration with all five of us. Junsu and Yoochun have both agreed…what do you think? Wouldn’t that make you happy?”
“Jaejoong-ah, are you that mad at me? Ok, fine. But I know you can hear me. Please say something. I promise I’ll do whatever you want. Jaejoongie, you have to fight this. Please…”
“Hey there, baby boy. How are you? It’s me, Anna noona. Look at all the things I’ve got for you today! You know, your nieces really miss you. Soo’s been crying after you. Don’t you want to see her? Her birthday’s coming up, Joongie she wants her uncle to be there…”
“Jae, we don’t know what to do. You know we’re all useless without Jae Umma around to tell us what to do. Come on! You need to help us feed the maknae.”
“Hyung! Look who’s hear to see you. It’s the twins. They can talk now! Can you believe it? Please hyung, I want you to see this…”
“We need you.”
“I’m so sorry. Please…you have to give me a chance to make it up to you.”
“GODDAMMIT! You can’t do this! Please.”
“Please Joongie. We can fix everything. Just wake up.”
AN: I was almost choking up writing the ending...
So I havn't been writing for a while because my muse has eloped! Nothing I can do about it.
Also, I'm thinking of changing my username...so don't be surpised if you see one of the fics updated under a different username.
Title: Eventual Downfall
Length: OneShot
Pairing: Hinted YunJae, OT5
Rating: G
Genre: Angst,
Disclaimer: Read and enjoy - don't take credit for my work.
Warnings: Hinted Mental Illness, SELF HARM, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS
Summary: How my loneliness and heartbreak became my refuge, and how I let it consume me. I should have sought help sooner, but that’s difficult when you’re in such a deep pit of despair where nothing makes rational sense anymore - where nothing can break the robotic merry-go-round your life’s routine has become.
AN: This is a warning: The writing here is crap!
ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST
Yoochun got married. It was honestly one of the happiest moments of my life. The nervous smile on his lips, the excited glimmer in his eyes and the bright aura radiating off of him. I was over the moon. My happiness for my friend crushed the little voice in the back of my conscience - the little voice that was whimpering…afraid of losing his friend to a new life. A new wonderful life. A life without me. I didn’t let my fear win. This was one of the best things that had happened to Chunnie and how could I even imagine being anything less than drunk with joy? I was so happy that Junsu had to drag me away from the dance floor, and Yoochun had to nudge me to stop hugging the bride and groom like a cushion.
Then father died. It was one of the worst things that had happened to me. I was lost. Afraid. Broken. I couldn’t be the pillar of support for my family because I was breaking apart myself. They had to forget their own grief and keep me from going insane. I had failed him. Father had always wanted to see my children before he passed away. I had failed to make his dream come true. I guess I was so occupied with my work that father’s state didn’t register in my mind. I’d failed. Maybe if they’d adopted someone else…maybe they would have had grandchildren already. I fell into depression. The drinking got worse. My focus at work became hazy. I believed things couldn’t get worst.
I was wrong.
As selfish as it was, losing father was still not as core shattering as hearing about the country’s golden boy, South Korea’s pride, the Industry’s leader and my…my Yunnie getting married.
I couldn’t believe it. He’d moved on. He’d really moved on. And here I was, always believing that there was some hope. That he would at least talk to me before committing to a relationship. Even though Junsu and Yoochun tried to tell me that he’d sent invitations to the three of us - it was a lie. Yunho had chosen to invite only them…I was excluded from the supposed best day of his life. They didn’t attend, feeling betrayed on my behalf. And anyways, it’s not like Chunnie had invited them to his wedding. But it hurt. It hurt like hell. Maybe if I was there, at the event, watching him smile at someone so adoringly…then maybe there was a chance of closure. Was it not the case for him? Did Yunho not need or want to see me face to face one last time? Did he think I would rampage his perfect day? Did his opinion really sink that low of me? Then again, who didn’t? It wasn’t his fault. It was mine. It was my fault for believing in Cassiopeia’s dream of reunion between us.
The cutting began by accident. I didn’t mean to slit my thigh - it just grazed the counter where the screw driver was precariously balancing. I hadn’t given thought to how intense the pain in my heart was before my attention was on the blood and stinging on my leg and away from the sadness. I hadn’t realised my heart was constantly hurting. The sting of the cut…it was a relief in the most horrible form. I wanted a break from the overwhelming emotions and the razor offered that. A momentary distraction from the bloodbath taking place in my heart. I couldn’t refuse.
I was a definition for broken.
Yoochun had a healthy, beautiful baby boy. In all the darkness, the infant’s existence somehow lifted some unknown weight off my shoulders. But the little angel’s smiles and grabby hands couldn’t stop the cutting. I think it’d become an addiction. A new sanctuary from life.
Then Junsu, precious Junsu met his other half. As happy as I was for him - I became lonely. My members had families now, new responsibilities and lives. JYJ was no longer their top priority. But that was ok. We were still friends and there for each other. I knew that. Maybe I should have opened up to one of them about my problem…but I couldn’t. Not when they had so much amazing things happening. How could I dampen their lives with such ghastly information? I didn’t want to disappoint them. They thought I was doing ok. Everyone thought I was doing ok. ‘A man out to get the world’ they called me. Little did they know? I guess Yoochun was right, I’m a better actor than I give myself credit for.
Yunho had a baby girl. I’d tell you how I felt, but I don’t know either. My heart was numb. But I convinced myself I was happy for him.
Family responsibilities and JYJ became difficult to maintain simultaneously. They had to choose. I don’t begrudge Junsu or Yoochun for their decisions. They did what was right. Solo activities were better for them both. Everyone knew that. And so, JYJ officially stopped promoting as a group. It was over. In a sense, SM won that battle.
My growing solitude became my refuge.
Life became a cycle of predictable events…only to be broken by everyone’s favourite Maknae. Changmin, forever the mature one. Having dinner with him again…after all these years. It was strange. I didn’t know how to treat him. Meeting him, I’d never thought it would feel so stiff, every smile and conversation forced. Somehow, when he randomly showed up at my rehearsal venue, there was a tiny simmering hope brewing. Was I convinced that we could cheer each other up? Maybe a one-touch would have helped. He seemed genuine though. The long overdue catch up - it didn’t help. He said he was hurt that Yoochun and Junsu hadn’t invited him to their weddings, and that they hadn’t shown up to Yunho’s. I didn’t ask about my missing invite. But Changmin, he clocked on. He said there’d been a mistake, that Yunho had personally made three cards for Yoochun, Junsu and I. A technical error causing in the loss of one card. Did I believe him? Perhaps.
Time went on, life continued, things got worst. My solitude started to scare me. Being alone at home - it became a terrifying nightmare. Can someone develop claustrophobia? Everything felt suffocating. I became more distant. More so than ever before. I couldn’t help it. The blanks in memory…that’s when they started.
Changmin seemed determine to get the five us to start talking to each other. It wasn’t that hard. Yunho and Yoochun’s wives both went into labour a second time on the same day, at the same hospital and happened to be admitted into the same ward. It was a joyous occasion, I guess. Especially considering 2U started talking and bonding over family life. Previous issues, apparently forgotten. I couldn’t bring myself to care enough or be happy.
Changmin succeeded in bringing us together. The reason for his mission: he was getting married. Funny, huh? It felt strange, like being with a bunch of people you’ve never met before, even Heechul’s peacekeeping failed to repair a broken bond. It was just me, I guess. Minnie…he seemed happy. He was settling down along with his hyungs, the five of us were together under the same roof and talking civilly. Four, now, with wives. Two with toddlers and infants in their arms. Happy families.
Then there was me. All alone. I was there, physically. But mentally…I don’t know. It’s like my hands had a mind of their own. As soon Yunho came in sight with his picture perfect family, my fingers automatically started rubbing the spot of the morning’s fresh cut on my forearm. The rubbing on my sleeve irritated the wound…relief. The stinging on my arm kept me grounded. It was the only way I could meet him, look him in the eye and congratulate him on his family…on the tiny bundle in his arms, without the scary memory gaps. She’s nice, by the way. His wife. Of course she is. She married Jung Yunho, she had to be an incredible person.
I was way past and beyond the point of caring and being sincere. The smiles - fake. The congratulatory hugs - forced. Everything. It’s was all an act. Why was I keeping it up? I don’t know. But somehow, I guess deep down I knew. I felt like a dark cloud was hovering above me, shadowing me from joining in their happiness. Was I the only one feeling out of place? The others got along perfectly. Painful history forgotten. Much to Changmin’s disdain, his now wife was a big XIA fan. Needless to say, the beautiful wives of all four became instant friends. How could they not? The two toddlers were all over each other. It was amusing to see them making fun of the DBSK couples and pushing the four men to act cute with each other. Of course, no one mentioned YunJae. Yunho’s wife, his beautiful wife, she stole a glance my way. He’d told her. She knew. Was that a look of pity she gave me? I would have been humiliated under normal circumstances, but not on that day.
It didn’t occur to me that my behaviour and reaction to everything was not normal. I was too far gone to the dark. It engulfed my waking hours and haunted my sleep.
The blanks in my memory became prominent enough to catch my attention. The heaviness in my heart and ache in my limbs in regular mornings - they started to take a toll on my work. I know what you’re thinking. Alcohol. But you’re wrong. I wasn’t getting drunk or high. I didn’t even bother with those anymore, the razor was enough of a companion. But the blanks were getting bigger. I started to forget whole days. I knew it meant something. Something bad. But, well…the truth is I was well and truly depressed. Suicide was an idea I toyed with on regular occasions. Sometimes, I’d wake up with a pounding headache, with no memory of the previous night, and be afraid. I was afraid. Not because of the mental state I was in. But because I genuinely did not care anymore.
Changmin had twins. Can you believe it? The same guy feeding a cat in Hug, now a father? It’s ridiculous. Junsu says it’s hilarious to watch the maknae struggle with twins. I wouldn’t know though. There were celebrations going on. For Christmas, birthdays…I don’t now anymore. Everything was foggy.
“You’ve gotten too skinny!”
“Jae, why don’t you take some time off work and go for a break with your friends?”
“Hyung, please. Let’s go somewhere. Anywhere you want. It will just be us.”
“Yah, you’ve got to stop this behaviour. Junsu is scared. So am I! Jae, please…what do you need? Tell me. Please talk to me.”
“Hyung, I know you’re busy, but I want to discuss something. You always wanted a DBSK reunion, didn’t you? We can make it happen, hyung! Yunho hung says we can do a collaboration with all five of us. Junsu and Yoochun have both agreed…what do you think? Wouldn’t that make you happy?”
“Jaejoong-ah, are you that mad at me? Ok, fine. But I know you can hear me. Please say something. I promise I’ll do whatever you want. Jaejoongie, you have to fight this. Please…”
“Hey there, baby boy. How are you? It’s me, Anna noona. Look at all the things I’ve got for you today! You know, your nieces really miss you. Soo’s been crying after you. Don’t you want to see her? Her birthday’s coming up, Joongie she wants her uncle to be there…”
“Jae, we don’t know what to do. You know we’re all useless without Jae Umma around to tell us what to do. Come on! You need to help us feed the maknae.”
“Hyung! Look who’s hear to see you. It’s the twins. They can talk now! Can you believe it? Please hyung, I want you to see this…”
“We need you.”
“I’m so sorry. Please…you have to give me a chance to make it up to you.”
“GODDAMMIT! You can’t do this! Please.”
“Please Joongie. We can fix everything. Just wake up.”
AN: I was almost choking up writing the ending...
So I havn't been writing for a while because my muse has eloped! Nothing I can do about it.
Also, I'm thinking of changing my username...so don't be surpised if you see one of the fics updated under a different username.