the post of a lifetime
I feel like after this semester I can survive anything.
It started with terrible but relatively infrequent bouts of insomnia starting in early October. They got worse and more frequent as I got more and more stressed out about school and what I was doing with my life. Then, as I slowly lost control over myself and my emotions, my relationship started going to hell. Mo no longer had any time for me and I started regretting the fact that he had found a niche in haas and as an RA and in his business club.
We tried spending less time together, but then when we did spend time together we had nothing to talk about because I was angry and he was... different. We weren't even friends anymore. Then on Nov 30 he walked me home from a party (I was drunk) and told me he didn't know what to do anymore. He didn't think we should see each other. Being the levelheaded and sober person that I was, I told him to fuck off and that I hated him. That didn't make me feel any better.
When it comes down to it, I know that it's more than him not having time for me. When you would rather invest your time in your own life and the things you have going on, it means that's what you care the most about. And I guess that's normal for people my age. But it hurts like hell when someone means the world to you, and you love them more than anything else, and they no longer feel the same. I hurts like hell.
Then that hurt starts to turn into anger, and you think about how much time you invested in that person but then realize you were only doing it at the time because it made you happy. And now it's time to move on and find other things that can make you happy.
At Berkeley I feel like I live a completely different life. I have lost the only friend there that was close to me. It's true that I was using Mo as an emotional crutch, and I'd be lying if I said he was really making me happy towards the end of our relationship. When you depend that much on someone to make you happy, you lose the ability to do it yourself. I am never going to make these same mistakes again.
Tomorrow I go back to Lawrence Hall of Science, just like the summer, like nothing ever happened. But there were times during this semester that I seriously considered taking a semester off, just so I could be able to sleep again. Now I'm looking forward to moving into my new co-op, my new roommate (but old friend), making new friends, and starting over.
I know this is for the better, and seeing how difficult it is to get into Castro I consider this a blessing, and a chance for a new beginning. I know now not to fall in love with someone who only has a limited amount of love to give.
And once again, I am completely amazed at the ability of my friends to make me feel better. They were there for me completely and unquestionably and I am the luckiest person in the world to be loved by such amazing people. Whatever difficulties face you in the future, I will be there. And hopefully you guys won't make the same mistakes I did. But if you do, fuck it, we'll just get high and eat donuts until it stops hurting.
<3
It started with terrible but relatively infrequent bouts of insomnia starting in early October. They got worse and more frequent as I got more and more stressed out about school and what I was doing with my life. Then, as I slowly lost control over myself and my emotions, my relationship started going to hell. Mo no longer had any time for me and I started regretting the fact that he had found a niche in haas and as an RA and in his business club.
We tried spending less time together, but then when we did spend time together we had nothing to talk about because I was angry and he was... different. We weren't even friends anymore. Then on Nov 30 he walked me home from a party (I was drunk) and told me he didn't know what to do anymore. He didn't think we should see each other. Being the levelheaded and sober person that I was, I told him to fuck off and that I hated him. That didn't make me feel any better.
When it comes down to it, I know that it's more than him not having time for me. When you would rather invest your time in your own life and the things you have going on, it means that's what you care the most about. And I guess that's normal for people my age. But it hurts like hell when someone means the world to you, and you love them more than anything else, and they no longer feel the same. I hurts like hell.
Then that hurt starts to turn into anger, and you think about how much time you invested in that person but then realize you were only doing it at the time because it made you happy. And now it's time to move on and find other things that can make you happy.
At Berkeley I feel like I live a completely different life. I have lost the only friend there that was close to me. It's true that I was using Mo as an emotional crutch, and I'd be lying if I said he was really making me happy towards the end of our relationship. When you depend that much on someone to make you happy, you lose the ability to do it yourself. I am never going to make these same mistakes again.
Tomorrow I go back to Lawrence Hall of Science, just like the summer, like nothing ever happened. But there were times during this semester that I seriously considered taking a semester off, just so I could be able to sleep again. Now I'm looking forward to moving into my new co-op, my new roommate (but old friend), making new friends, and starting over.
I know this is for the better, and seeing how difficult it is to get into Castro I consider this a blessing, and a chance for a new beginning. I know now not to fall in love with someone who only has a limited amount of love to give.
And once again, I am completely amazed at the ability of my friends to make me feel better. They were there for me completely and unquestionably and I am the luckiest person in the world to be loved by such amazing people. Whatever difficulties face you in the future, I will be there. And hopefully you guys won't make the same mistakes I did. But if you do, fuck it, we'll just get high and eat donuts until it stops hurting.
<3