rock bottom
Today.. I hit rock bottom... I am so ungodly sick.. have cramps that feel like someone is taking my uterus and ripping it out.. and guess what I have 75 cents to my name.. actually i owe somewhere around like 1600$ not including my rent im going to have to pay next month, car insurance, utilities, food, gas and well my phone.. which is as vital as the above forementioned.. haha I woke up in a shitty mood and it only got worse when I called my daddy for comfort and DUM DUM DUM my phone was disconnected.. i thought i had payed it on saturday but FUCK i guess thats what happens when you dont balance your checkbook with a ledger.. write a check to someone and they dont cash it until 3 months later and your account is -180$ BEFORE you try and pay your 80$ cell phone bill.. damn guess that check was returned not to mention the 50$ in overdraft fees that were charged to my account.. ANYTHING ELSE? OH yea i didnt go to my doctors appt because well i knew i wouldnt be able to afford my prescription, which would probably only cost 10dollars with my insurance.. but hmmm i dont have 10 dollars.. so im bleeding like a stuffed pig.. emotional as it is.. sick, cant breathe and then BAM a whole shit ton of money issues just came pouring down on me. At one point today i seriously thought about dropping out of school.. taking out a credit card.. buying a ticket to greece or fiji and just starting over.. working as a maid in a hotel or something like that.. HAHA anyone game? I guess im just sick and tired of doing this all on my own.. No one in my house really understands because they all have assistance from their families and things.. they dont have to worry about how they are going to afford to eat next week.. which is awesome.. but i dont feel like I can ever talk to them about it.. And my parents.. well "they had a kid at my age and couldnt afford diapers but they still made it" yea well fuck you cause they didnt go to college and lived through that which is exactly why they should WANT to fucking help me.. I need to stop ragging on them.. they have been really cool lately.. im just so frustrated and tired of feeling like im doing all of this alone..NAte wants to help me but i refuse to depend on him for that.. all i need is for him to give me a shoulder to cry on and unconditional support.. which he does extremely well. i guess that in a couple years ill be able to look back and realize all that i have accomplished ON MY OWN and I know i will be very proud of myself.
But anyways.. today i was walking home from school and just started crying.. like not teary eyed whimpy crying.. i just started balling.. like uncontrollable drunk crying.. I probably looked like the biggest tool ever but i made it home.. locked myself in my room and just slept ALL DAY LONG.. i only came out to take some more meds and pee. it was deep sleep too the kind where you could have robbed me at gunpoint and i wouldnt have budged.. I was so drained.. after screaming in your pillow for stupid solvable problems at the top of your lungs.. i guess my body just went into overload and i passed out.. Got up went to work and here i am..
trying to talk with what little voice i have left... barf
anyways.. the point of this entry wasnt to make everyone feel sorry for me.. in fact.. it was to help out others who have been having bad times.. cough cough u know who you are.. sometimes when you hit rock bottom the only thing you can do is play your favorite song at loud as you can and scream out the words while driving.. and THEN you can give your problems to god. You can have an honest conversation with God and surrender your problems to him.. you are helpless in the grand scheme of things.. and we will always end up where we are supposed to be.. and with a little faith and a little hope.. things will get better.. 5 hours ago i was in acoma from freaking out.. now things are a little different..
I was looking at my financial aide to see how i was going to pay rent next semester and whatdya know i got a small scholarship that is going to take care of what i didnt have.. YAY.. then.. when i was going through all the different types of financial aide and i noticed what is called a short term loan from MSU.. I checked into it.. applied and got approved for a 90 day short term loan of 450$. With this money I can pay minimum payments on my credit cards.. what i dont have for rent this month.. all of my cell phone bill.. my utilities and i can get my bank account in the positive.. perfect.. I can pay this loan off with christmas money and/or just slowly by working.. and/or the money im gonna get in a couple months from my grandpas will.. hmm...
taking out a loan and owing the university wasnt the greatest option but it works and it helps my situation and i know i found it for a reason.. AND now I can sleep easier at night..
so when you are down and when your sad.. trust in yourself and have faith in god because he will pull you through the tough times
and to top it off.. i get to see nathan tonight.. and he makes every problem go away..
and the other day.. DUM DUM DUM.. you guys ready for this: we had the big ummm getting married conversation and i can definitely say that there might be a very particular piece of jewelry in my possession in the relatively near future!~ eeeks
and guess what
ide wear it
anyways
until next time
god bless
But anyways.. today i was walking home from school and just started crying.. like not teary eyed whimpy crying.. i just started balling.. like uncontrollable drunk crying.. I probably looked like the biggest tool ever but i made it home.. locked myself in my room and just slept ALL DAY LONG.. i only came out to take some more meds and pee. it was deep sleep too the kind where you could have robbed me at gunpoint and i wouldnt have budged.. I was so drained.. after screaming in your pillow for stupid solvable problems at the top of your lungs.. i guess my body just went into overload and i passed out.. Got up went to work and here i am..
trying to talk with what little voice i have left... barf
anyways.. the point of this entry wasnt to make everyone feel sorry for me.. in fact.. it was to help out others who have been having bad times.. cough cough u know who you are.. sometimes when you hit rock bottom the only thing you can do is play your favorite song at loud as you can and scream out the words while driving.. and THEN you can give your problems to god. You can have an honest conversation with God and surrender your problems to him.. you are helpless in the grand scheme of things.. and we will always end up where we are supposed to be.. and with a little faith and a little hope.. things will get better.. 5 hours ago i was in acoma from freaking out.. now things are a little different..
I was looking at my financial aide to see how i was going to pay rent next semester and whatdya know i got a small scholarship that is going to take care of what i didnt have.. YAY.. then.. when i was going through all the different types of financial aide and i noticed what is called a short term loan from MSU.. I checked into it.. applied and got approved for a 90 day short term loan of 450$. With this money I can pay minimum payments on my credit cards.. what i dont have for rent this month.. all of my cell phone bill.. my utilities and i can get my bank account in the positive.. perfect.. I can pay this loan off with christmas money and/or just slowly by working.. and/or the money im gonna get in a couple months from my grandpas will.. hmm...
taking out a loan and owing the university wasnt the greatest option but it works and it helps my situation and i know i found it for a reason.. AND now I can sleep easier at night..
so when you are down and when your sad.. trust in yourself and have faith in god because he will pull you through the tough times
and to top it off.. i get to see nathan tonight.. and he makes every problem go away..
and the other day.. DUM DUM DUM.. you guys ready for this: we had the big ummm getting married conversation and i can definitely say that there might be a very particular piece of jewelry in my possession in the relatively near future!~ eeeks
and guess what
ide wear it
anyways
until next time
god bless