(no subject)
It seems my last update was...early november. Wow. That's pathetic. So, to make up for lost time let me first say Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Happy January, and Happy Valentine's Day. The last one is a touch early, but I think you'll forgive me.
So, what's new in the incredibly long absence of Daniel? Well, I'm no longer working at Canadian Tire, I got laid off about a month ago, since then I've been working at the cottage to fix some plumbing issues and insulate it better. Always fun.
Among the rather difficult pills I've given my parents to swallow is the fact that I'm moving to Edmonton, Alberta this summer. They aren't taking that one so well. No, not well at all.
The Jeep is still running, although giving me more headaches than it's worth. I'll probably just use the bus and train once I'm in Edmonton.
I turn 21 in a little less than a month, and Jessica turns 21 barely a month after that. When did we all start getting so old? Kids I've known my entire life are suddenly driving, and it doesn't seem like all that long ago I was learning to drive. It depresses me, in some strange way, that so much of my life has slipped past and I haven't even seemed to notice. Oh well, live and learn.
So one of the new features Live Journal has is to save the entries it looses or you fail to finish. So upon starting this post I found an almost completed entry from sometime late November/early December-ish. It follows below in italics. Normally I wouldn't post it, but it contains some rare almost coherrent soul searching.
I have just found out, having somehow managed to miss this fact for like three months that Em and James have...ceased. So while I'm busy berrating myself over this oversight I also feel compelled to write down some thoughts that I've been having over the past few days.
Last year when my life, as I saw it then, went to hell I tried with all my might to destroy myself and every morning when I woke up and realized I was alive I figured I'd failed. Overnight, it seemed, I changed everything about me I could, and what I couldn't change I tried to hide.
Just how deep a hole I dug is slowly becoming apparent. My favorite method of hiding was to do it in the open behind a mask of not caring, daring people to get on my case, and I'm finding that an incredibly difficult thing to stop. As hard as I try there are times when I just can't help but not care what people think or even what I should think, it's like a little bit of that self destructiveness creeps back in and I do really stupid things. It's easy to say I'm better now, the drinking has all but ceased and I try in some vague way to take care of myself but the problems I face now lie deeper.
We fear what we do not understand, so we fear ignorance, and ignorance is what we find ourselves surrounded by in new situations, and it's so easy to find other things to cover up a hole, it's why I ran to SSU instead of going to Algonquin like I'd planned, it's why I needed a pitcher of beer in me before I'd even talk about Jen at SSU. And in the end, it's why I almost lost Jessica, because I was too busy being bad to see the people who liked me for being good. Or at least the good parts of me.
I show you that entry now because it rings true to a lot of what I've been feeling lately. Things at home aren't going well and I've just got the urge to scream at something or someone. I just need space and choice. But I still struggle to get out from the mask.
Anyways, more later, my keyboard is starting to smoke from overuse. :P
So, what's new in the incredibly long absence of Daniel? Well, I'm no longer working at Canadian Tire, I got laid off about a month ago, since then I've been working at the cottage to fix some plumbing issues and insulate it better. Always fun.
Among the rather difficult pills I've given my parents to swallow is the fact that I'm moving to Edmonton, Alberta this summer. They aren't taking that one so well. No, not well at all.
The Jeep is still running, although giving me more headaches than it's worth. I'll probably just use the bus and train once I'm in Edmonton.
I turn 21 in a little less than a month, and Jessica turns 21 barely a month after that. When did we all start getting so old? Kids I've known my entire life are suddenly driving, and it doesn't seem like all that long ago I was learning to drive. It depresses me, in some strange way, that so much of my life has slipped past and I haven't even seemed to notice. Oh well, live and learn.
So one of the new features Live Journal has is to save the entries it looses or you fail to finish. So upon starting this post I found an almost completed entry from sometime late November/early December-ish. It follows below in italics. Normally I wouldn't post it, but it contains some rare almost coherrent soul searching.
I have just found out, having somehow managed to miss this fact for like three months that Em and James have...ceased. So while I'm busy berrating myself over this oversight I also feel compelled to write down some thoughts that I've been having over the past few days.
Last year when my life, as I saw it then, went to hell I tried with all my might to destroy myself and every morning when I woke up and realized I was alive I figured I'd failed. Overnight, it seemed, I changed everything about me I could, and what I couldn't change I tried to hide.
Just how deep a hole I dug is slowly becoming apparent. My favorite method of hiding was to do it in the open behind a mask of not caring, daring people to get on my case, and I'm finding that an incredibly difficult thing to stop. As hard as I try there are times when I just can't help but not care what people think or even what I should think, it's like a little bit of that self destructiveness creeps back in and I do really stupid things. It's easy to say I'm better now, the drinking has all but ceased and I try in some vague way to take care of myself but the problems I face now lie deeper.
We fear what we do not understand, so we fear ignorance, and ignorance is what we find ourselves surrounded by in new situations, and it's so easy to find other things to cover up a hole, it's why I ran to SSU instead of going to Algonquin like I'd planned, it's why I needed a pitcher of beer in me before I'd even talk about Jen at SSU. And in the end, it's why I almost lost Jessica, because I was too busy being bad to see the people who liked me for being good. Or at least the good parts of me.
I show you that entry now because it rings true to a lot of what I've been feeling lately. Things at home aren't going well and I've just got the urge to scream at something or someone. I just need space and choice. But I still struggle to get out from the mask.
Anyways, more later, my keyboard is starting to smoke from overuse. :P