Floundering...
Or is the word foundering? I'll have to look it up...
But, it's how I feel... And when I feel like this, I usually cut off contact with people... I think it's why I haven't written here in so long... I don't like people to know this side of me... This kind of frightened, unsure feeling about what I'm doing with my life... Who I'm being, what I'm expressing... I feel trapped underneath the weight of it all... Unsure of who I am...
I've been through this before and I'm sure I'll be like this again... so, I know it will pass... I just hate it when I'm in it... This awful desire to just be "better..." Better at what? Better at everything...
It's like I'm at the bottom of the ocean... I can see the sunlight through the murky distance, so I know it's there... but I also know that I have to swim up and up and up... and it seems so far... and I feel so tired and can't imagine swimming up there, fighting the tide... but I know I have to...
It's the weakness that I hate so much... and my hatred of the weakness just keeps me paralyzed... Instead of being able to recognize it, deal with it and move on, I just wish I were "better." I read others' posts and they seem so secure and knowledgable... and seeing that makes me clam up even more... It's like I don't want these folks to know the "real" me because if they did, they wouldn't like me as much... and that is SO suffocating... Like I'm being a fraud... It's not healthy...
And, of course, I have to give my little "disclaimer" like I always do to everyone... I'm ok... It's not terrible or serious and I know there's light at the end of the tunnel... I think I just have to work harder... even when I feel so lazy... I need some encouragement though... and the only encouragement I think I can really get is through my actions and thoughts...
Whew... This is debilitating... and I know, know, know, down in the very deepest part of me, that I already am "better." I'm just not expressing it... I need to break the cycle... and I know I will in the next few weeks... I can't stay like this...
I wonder if people can tell? I don't think so... I work so hard at covering it up... Maybe I should stop that shit and just work on being myself...
This seems to be a lesson I have to keep learning and learning...
Thanks for letting me vent... and I'm sorry to my friends that I've ignored...
By the way, it was, once again, beachboyty that brought these things bubbling to the surface with his last post... He struck a chord with me as he always tends to do...
I'm not as tortured a soul as I sound... :) (See? There I go again with the disclaimer... I think I just hate pity more than anything...)
But, it's how I feel... And when I feel like this, I usually cut off contact with people... I think it's why I haven't written here in so long... I don't like people to know this side of me... This kind of frightened, unsure feeling about what I'm doing with my life... Who I'm being, what I'm expressing... I feel trapped underneath the weight of it all... Unsure of who I am...
I've been through this before and I'm sure I'll be like this again... so, I know it will pass... I just hate it when I'm in it... This awful desire to just be "better..." Better at what? Better at everything...
It's like I'm at the bottom of the ocean... I can see the sunlight through the murky distance, so I know it's there... but I also know that I have to swim up and up and up... and it seems so far... and I feel so tired and can't imagine swimming up there, fighting the tide... but I know I have to...
It's the weakness that I hate so much... and my hatred of the weakness just keeps me paralyzed... Instead of being able to recognize it, deal with it and move on, I just wish I were "better." I read others' posts and they seem so secure and knowledgable... and seeing that makes me clam up even more... It's like I don't want these folks to know the "real" me because if they did, they wouldn't like me as much... and that is SO suffocating... Like I'm being a fraud... It's not healthy...
And, of course, I have to give my little "disclaimer" like I always do to everyone... I'm ok... It's not terrible or serious and I know there's light at the end of the tunnel... I think I just have to work harder... even when I feel so lazy... I need some encouragement though... and the only encouragement I think I can really get is through my actions and thoughts...
Whew... This is debilitating... and I know, know, know, down in the very deepest part of me, that I already am "better." I'm just not expressing it... I need to break the cycle... and I know I will in the next few weeks... I can't stay like this...
I wonder if people can tell? I don't think so... I work so hard at covering it up... Maybe I should stop that shit and just work on being myself...
This seems to be a lesson I have to keep learning and learning...
Thanks for letting me vent... and I'm sorry to my friends that I've ignored...
By the way, it was, once again, beachboyty that brought these things bubbling to the surface with his last post... He struck a chord with me as he always tends to do...
I'm not as tortured a soul as I sound... :) (See? There I go again with the disclaimer... I think I just hate pity more than anything...)