Ten Day Meme and I've got not future
first is the meme then a little bit i needed to write because im starting to freak out
Ten Day About Me Meme
DAY 1: ten things about you
DAY 2: ten things you love
DAY 3: ten things you hate
DAY 4: ten things you want to say to one person
DAY 5: ten wishes
DAY 6: ten items you can’t live without
DAY 7: ten important people
DAY 8: ten of your favorite songs
DAY 9: ten ways to win your heart
DAY 10: final 10 words
1. that me or clayton to win the lottery so that we can afford school, get him a car, and have a nice secure future.
2. that my sister will find a way to stay healthy
3. that i find a job this summer
4. that clayton gets a car
5. that all my friends whom i love may find all the happiness that i have
6. that as i leave this decade of my lfie behind and enter my 20s that may i stay healthy and safe as i was in the latter half of my last decade.
7. that i continue to have success with my poetry and writing
8. that when i decide where i want to study abroad, that the oppurtunity allows itself for me to do so
9. for my idols, heroes, and those whom i look up to; may they have love safety happiness and continued success in all areas of their life.
10. that all those people out there who feel as they have no one, no reason to live anymore have somebody come into their life and help them, save them, and get them to heal.
SO the whole I've got no future thing may be a bit melodramatic but its kinda how i feel right now. See I had been flip flopping a bit about whether or not i could do that, that i could really teach. I sat for that first education class and every five minutes changed my mind about if i really wanted to teach. I spoke the next night with clayton and our bff dan about it and BOTH said what id had the head of the education department say to me: "if i dont have a passion for teaching, that i shouldn't do it. If i dont know that i want to do it, then dont do it." So i went got the form, had it signed and now i am officially just a creative writing major and editing and publishing minor.
I'm worried to no end that dropping Secondary Ed from my major was a huge mistake. i'm starting to think that i shoulda just sucked it up, passed the courses and then got my teaching license and then just went about teaching. it would have given me a secure job and thus life not only for myself but for clayton and eventually our children. i know you really cant plan your life out that far ahead. BUT. you can have an idea. and i had an idea that i'd be a teacher. id go to college and do what i needed to get to the point where i would a licensed teacher, get a job at some highschool and teach. other than that i didnt really know anything. But i knew that whatever happened at least id be safe in the future, id have a good steady job that would allow me security in lfie. and now thats just....gone.
I've been joking around lately that oh now im just the stereotypical "starving artist." Truth is, i dont want to joke around about it.
Actually, i'm so scared.
what am i suppose to do now? sure ive got my poetry and thats all great dont get me wrong, i LOVE poetry and writing. there is not money in writing unless you write totally vomit like twilight or some shit and there is definately no money in poetry. there just isnt. and anybody who tells you differently doesnt know WTF they are talking about. sure ive got my editing/publishing minor but i honestly am not really sure what that means. im not sure i will be any good at that. or that i can get a job in that, especially given todays market...
i threw away this good secure future because "i dont have a passion to teach." what happens if when i graduate now i cant get a job?? i refuse to have to live at home with my parents for too much longer. I amm sorry if this offends anybody but to me having to live with my parents again would make me a total failure. i mean, id just spent all this money to get an education soi could get a job/career and instead i wind up back in my parents house?! yeah no thatd be a fail. Not too mention the fact that living under that roof is seriously unhealthy for me, never is my self esteem so low, my happiness so low, and just general health so low but when im there. but then that leaves me living with clayton. And in turn would make me just some lame mooch of a fiance. He'd be out all 9-5 making money in a career he likes and id be all at home, no job, no way of contributing to our life.
So i'm really seriously scared. To the point of wanting a drink, and by wanting i mean, ive been contemplating how i could get some.
But i wont. Becuase every night i fall asleep held in the arms of the most wonderful man in the world. he holds me tight, tells me i'm beautiful and that he loves me so much and then falls asleep holding me. he wakes up when i move and if i sigh to deeply or upsetly instantly asks me whats wrong. he loves me. and i feel so just, happy in his arms. i fear nothing when he holds me becuase i know no matter what happens we'll face it together.
So i may be fucking scared out of my fucking mind. But i have Clayton, and i know he will be there no matter what.