Its the End of [my life here] as we know it, and i feel fine....
I tweeted early that i was going to leave fandom, and after spending since then thinking it over and really examining my life ive come to the conclusion that I am going to leave it. Meaning that the in deepth way of life i spent on it/in it is going to change.
Ever since i started life at Uni i have felt, different. I cannot explain properly what it is that is different for sure but i think that, for the first time in my life i am actually happy. and even when im not feeling happy, im not completely depressed. That is to say i've reached an emotional state of normalcy, or more accurately, healthiness. I had thought, over the past year, that i had already achieved this through my new and indeepth leap into the world of fandom. But in truth i think that my life in the online world and continuous and obvsessive posting on forums, forays into the depths of the internet for the latest spoiler and hours spent doing rewatches infront of a tv or laptop screen was just another defense mechanism, that is to say it was another way for me to cope with the fact that my friends back in highschool were not ones that i really truly belonged to. Fandom filled that indenial empty void in me where friends and happiness and love should have been, but were not.
But are now. Now i have friends that get sad when i dont spend time with them, that i can go out and do things with, that i can just study with, or be completely and utterly ridiculous with yelling BRAP for no good reason at random students touring campus. I have a boyfriend that makes my heart full of fluttering, confidence, laughter, tears and safety. I have the love of friends and the kind that exists between a man and a woman. I am happy.
Over the last year or so fandom consumed my life. i considered my only real friends the ones i had here, in the viral world of invisible wires. In truth, you probably were. At the same time, i'm not even sure that i did ever truly belong here. I digress. The point is i made some truly incredible friends and you all got me through some tough times, good times and those in between times. You have been some of the most amazing friends i have evere known. And you always will be.
Thus it saddens me to say that i am going to be leaving fandom. I do not have the time or energy to devote to this world like i used to. I need to spend time on my studies, with my friends, and with Clayton. As much as i enjoyed and slightly miss the time when day after day after day i would do nothing but get up sit in front of the tv and computer at the same time for HOURS on end, I dont need too anymore. In a way, i kind of don't want too. Thats not to say i wont still update here from time to time, and that i wont be on twitter constantly anymore. But it does mean that my WAL's, my obsessive postings on forums, my internet forays, my fic-writing, my constant just all encompassing life dependant obsession will be coming to an end.
I will still be that crazy ass fangirl you know and love who freaks out over shows like SG1 and Sanctuary and NCIS and Merlin and Eureka and WH13 or House. I just wont be so involved in the fanom anymore.
What else to say, i know not. I'm not even sure if any of what i just said made sense. Please, if you have comments questions or concerns get in touch with me, because i do plan to continue stalking keeping tabs on all of you <3