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The fact that I haven't updated...like actually written a journal entry...for so long is really pathetic. Because I have absolutely nothing to say. I never do. But I am going to update anyway. And forgive me if I sound pissed. I just feel really crappy.
So I went rollerblading this morning. Not because I felt like getting excersize...not because it's a nice day...not because it makes me feel good. I did it because I thought maybe in some strange, unrelated way, maybe it would add meaning to my pointless existence. For once, I would be doing something solely for myself. No one else.
I was only gone for about half an hour because they are re-doing the roads in my neighborhood and the new roads suck to rollerblade on. So there were very few places I could go. Anyway, the sad thing is, I don't really feel any better. When I do things by myself, I find myself thinking way too much about things that I really shouldn't dwell on. I hate it. It just makes me feel even more crappy.
So once again, I have gotten no where. Congratulations to me.
Now I don't know what to do. Nothing makes me feel better. Even in my sleep I can't escape it. Last night I was haunted by vivid dreams of things that I have been trying to avoid. I hate it.
I hate guilt. I hate disappointment. I hate being nothing. I hate that this is *constantly* all that I feel.
I hate that I care.
Btw, I made a new icon, if you didn't notice. How do you like it?
So I went rollerblading this morning. Not because I felt like getting excersize...not because it's a nice day...not because it makes me feel good. I did it because I thought maybe in some strange, unrelated way, maybe it would add meaning to my pointless existence. For once, I would be doing something solely for myself. No one else.
I was only gone for about half an hour because they are re-doing the roads in my neighborhood and the new roads suck to rollerblade on. So there were very few places I could go. Anyway, the sad thing is, I don't really feel any better. When I do things by myself, I find myself thinking way too much about things that I really shouldn't dwell on. I hate it. It just makes me feel even more crappy.
So once again, I have gotten no where. Congratulations to me.
Now I don't know what to do. Nothing makes me feel better. Even in my sleep I can't escape it. Last night I was haunted by vivid dreams of things that I have been trying to avoid. I hate it.
I hate guilt. I hate disappointment. I hate being nothing. I hate that this is *constantly* all that I feel.
I hate that I care.
Btw, I made a new icon, if you didn't notice. How do you like it?