Found the OFF Switch!
Enjoying life and dodging coyote shit in my neighborhood.
Where have I been? Home. What have I been doing? Living life.
I have been a thousand percent hibernating in my little world with my daughter and my cats and just chilling the fuck out.
This past weekend was my first week AT HOME and the first weekend when I didn’t have to do something in I don’t know how long. I set myself on the course to do my Dead Rock Stars, and then it consumed TWO YEARS of my life.
It’s not just that it consumed my life, but I was performing something essential for my existence by doing it. Yes, I burnt myself into the ground. Yes, I drew like a demon. Yes, I got my book out. I poured MY FUCKING LIFE into that project, and I realized this past week that I had to do it in order to move on with my life. It was necessary. So now, I am taking pause to . . . . live.
And holy shit, I am enjoying some down time.
To those who I still OWE stuff - books, tshirts, art, etc - I PROMISE I’ll mail it out this week. Juggling a full time job and being a parent while pulling off that art show and book was INSANE. But it was worth it because of what it meant in my life and also how my daughter understands me. Even my mom understands me. This GINORMOUS effort pulled so many pieces together for me. Now, I’m enjoying feeling quiet and . . . whole.
There’s also the fact that my somatic psychotherapy is paying enormous dividends. I am living the positive results. I spent over fifty years of my life not knowing how to slow down. I had no OFF switch. I have made SO MUCH PROGRESS in understanding how to bring myself down and appreciate just being. I am so happy to feel the positive results. People with severe PTSD never slow down. That's one of the many symptoms. Hyper productivity, hyper everything. They are just ON ON ON ON ON. And it can make for a lot of productivity but also a lot of misery. People used to ask me, “How do you do everything you do?” Well, now I know. Because I was afraid to slow down.
At first I was really sad to understand how much of my life I "wasted" being fucked up by trauma, but instead now I'm just relieved that at least I am learning that I can enjoy the rest of my life and live it without being in a constant state of HYPER ON.
It feels good to do nothing and put no demands on myself for a while. So today I offer you my life of late in cell phone photos.
I spent many hours on these streets lately. These are the streets of my neighborhood. This is where I run. Where I live. Where I set myself free. I ran during the day over the weekend (with lots of SPF 70!), and it felt good to soak in some natural Vitamin D, build up a dripping sweat, and let my endorphins take me higher. All told, I clocked over twenty miles running on these old dogs over the weekend.
I love running through the dirt washes. They are magical. Yes, there are trees in the mountain desert! Weird trees, but trees. And they make fairytale little tunnel like paths in the washes. Maketh me happy.
I discovered this hidden dirt field that I never noticed before right up the road from my house. It's also magical!
Happy chubby cactus with a big yellow circle of cactus fruit things that's like a smiley face with sharp ass prickles. Sharp ass prickles. Hahaha.
Yesterday me and The Bean got all dressed up and went out to celebrate Valentine's day. I wore my hideous glitter tunic. Bean eventuall said it was okay because it's "so Return of the Jedi." We spent the weekend watching the original Star Wars Trilogy, and it was a blast. I wore my Power Ewok tshirt while watching. I didn't take a selfie of that.
The Bengal watched, or rather chilled, with me while I watched the premiere of VINYL last night. She found all the insanity -- drugs, murder, sex and rock -- relaxing. I loved the show. Going to watch the premiere a second, third and fourth time. It's that GOOD. The cinematography is so great, and it's directed by the great Martin Scorcese. Squeeee.
These are the last dregs of dawn this morning. I made an oath to myself to start getting up early enough to go for a run before work in the morning because it will make me less stressed and anxious. When the alarm went off at 6:15 this morning, I sure in the fuck DID NOT want to get up. But I did. And I ran. And I felt relatively calm all day. Much much happier, mellower and less anxious than I usually am. So, guess who's going to be getting up at the buttcrack of dawn from now on?
Here I am after work today. I'm wearing my Power Zumba outfit after 60 minutes of swiveling my hips and pouring sweat. I had picked the black sparkly tutu thang, but then Bean wanted the black and gave me the pink. She said, "Pink suits you Mom." Okay.
Over and out. Going to write one of those things that so many people like so much. A POEM. Hah. Cheers.