(no subject)
i made a realization tonight.
i have no distinctive thoughts in my mind anymore.
it is common knowledge that artists are the most creative when they are in emotional turmoil.
something about the pain or desire or frustration or even rapture causes such beauty to flow forth as to be the reason for all the most wondrous creations.
i think back on my own stages of emotional turmoil and the thing that stands out the most is journaling.
the frequency of my journaling was much, much higher.
the content of my journaling was much, much more expressive.
there were stronger emotions to be expressed.
but, the cause of all that journaling was the fact that my mind was constantly running.
thoughts flowing non-stop.
reviewing what had passed.
imagining what might come to pass.
reworking memories to more favourable outcomes.
questioning where the emotions were all coming from.
fantasizing.
forcing myself to think logically.
trying to find the balance between the two.
always, thinking.
and my thoughts needed a place to formulate and organize themselves.
there is no emotional turmoil in my life at this time.
i am content to a level i had only wished possible.
everything in my life is as i wish it.
and, with that, my thought process has slowed so greatly that i believe it to completely stop at times.
though i find myself happy, so often i look at myself, as though from an outside perspective, and i am so unattracted to the person i see.
i seem to have no control over myself.
i talk when i want to listen.
the words i say are not at all a reflection of who perceive myself to be.
i act when i want to remain still, unnoticed.
my actions embarrass me.
i am the wrong girl posing as me. i am in the wrong body. i am some sick combination of these two conditions.
i realized tonight that my lack of thought is directly connected to my becoming a different person.
previously, every word i said, every action i made, was carefully calculated to express something very specific.
my movements were all exactly as i wanted them to be.
there was a great amount of thought that went into everything that was part of who i was.
now, my mind is blank and my body moves to fill in the space.
i have no control over what comes out of my body because it escapes without any conscious thought attached to it.
that frightens me so much.
i have a very strong feeling that my lowered mental capacity, as i have noticed it lately, is also related to that.
my constant self-analysis while trying to work through some emotional disturbance meant my brain was constantly working.
that constant activity made any new thoughts easier to process, because they were simply added into the already-flowing stream.
there is no stream now.
my mind is still water.
encouraging movement in still water is much more difficult that anything i've had to do before.
i am frantically kicking and moving nowhere.
this realization, while frustrating and frightening, is comforting.
i am beginning to understand why i am who i have become.
i can start trying to find my way back to who i am again.