(no subject)
aaahhhhh.
1) i'm amazed at how often during my day i eat just because i have nothing else to do. it's only been one day, but i know this Fast will get both harder and easier as time goes on.
2) there are so many opportunities for me to teach the Faith and i'm so uncertain how to do it. already, i've seen such a change in my everyday interactions with people, and that makes me proud of myself. but, beyond that, i'm totally clueless. and that frustrates me. but, i guess i'm forcing myself into action, here. i will have to learn.
3) "my wife." i am seriously wanting to get married. it's great how i go through these phases, but i can tell they're completely relative to my current relationship [non-]status. i get close, i get scared, i push away. i am alone, i remember what i wanted, i long for it. why can't i find my husband? the people who are perfect show no signs of wanting me. the people who want me are far from perfect. my standards are too high. i refuse to lower them. and i'm scared shitless.
4) what am i doing with my life? get through this semester, then FUCK OFF. basically.
5) i need to be firm in establishing who i am. i want to run away, start over. but, that's weak. i don't want to be weak forever. i need to be firm. so, i need to detach myself from all these images of me. i need to BE ME. so, i should stop worrying about trying to keep within certain circles of acceptance. there are parts of me that i like, but i don't FIT IN to any of those circles -- not completely. i'm a fucking outsider and i like being that way. so, i should act like it. there are many parts of who i am. we all need to deal with that.
6) um, less negativity. happiness. joy. find it.