(no subject)
i hate that i obsess.
i want to just be free of this.
i want to be happy with myself
and not need any outside addiction.
this isn't the first time, right?
i know that.
this isn't the first time i've been faced with this obsession.
and, all those times, i was WRONG.
what i thought i wanted was not, in fact, what i wanted.
it was not what i needed.
but, i'm fucking older now and can't i just KNOW WHAT I WANT?!
can't i just be certain and be brave?
what the HELL?
at a decent hour, i was overcome with longing.
i envisioned myself picking up my phone and reaching out --
making a connection.
i scared myself out of it.
at an indecent hour, i picked up my phone and realize a connection had been attempted.
NOT BY ME.
and i missed it, 'cause i was too afraid.
i tried to re-establish a connection, but it was too late.
and i kind of just hate myself for it.
this longing is so constricting.
stardust.
i need to add it to my list.
i want to just be free of this.
i want to be happy with myself
and not need any outside addiction.
this isn't the first time, right?
i know that.
this isn't the first time i've been faced with this obsession.
and, all those times, i was WRONG.
what i thought i wanted was not, in fact, what i wanted.
it was not what i needed.
but, i'm fucking older now and can't i just KNOW WHAT I WANT?!
can't i just be certain and be brave?
what the HELL?
at a decent hour, i was overcome with longing.
i envisioned myself picking up my phone and reaching out --
making a connection.
i scared myself out of it.
at an indecent hour, i picked up my phone and realize a connection had been attempted.
NOT BY ME.
and i missed it, 'cause i was too afraid.
i tried to re-establish a connection, but it was too late.
and i kind of just hate myself for it.
this longing is so constricting.
stardust.
i need to add it to my list.