biru
(just a reminder, this journal is not really public, so dont read! hahaaha)
my doctor asked me, how much alcohol do you drink weekly? i tried to come up with an honest answer. "two, three drinks." immediately i realized what a bs answer that was. i have two or three drinks each time i drink. sometimes i drink three, four, maybe five times in one week. so a lot more than two or three.
i turn red when i drink. i hate that. and i start acting stupid. esp when i'm tired. when i'm tired and drunk i'm a complete moron. in vegas my friends and i went to a japanese bar at a little past midnight. i got drunk and asked a waitress for her #. in my head, i thought i came out sounding really awesome. and the waitress i thought was very cute. but from the three videos my friends recorded, i come off sounding like a buffoon. and the girl was only okay. hahaha.
i did some things at my birthday party i probably shouldnt have. i didnt remember certain things either...
i know i look and sound awful when i drink. but i can't stop drinking. i. love. beer. i LOVE beer. I LOOOOVE BEEEERRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!
a friend just offered me a drink before dinner and i declined, preferring not to be red and drunk before eating. but i almost changed my mind. and now slowly, regretfully, i'm going to sleep without having had a drop of alcohol today. why do i yearn for the drink so badly?
i didn't start drinking habitually until about two years ago, when i had one of the shittiest years. my dance team was badly disorgnized and was falling apart, my work sucked donkey balls, i was broke, i was commuting from db to la, many champs staff flaked cuz of bf issues, korean culture night staff was full of drama-filled immature young girls and i was the only guy drowning in a sea of foul and putrid korean estrogen, etc, etc, had my own friends and family issues. it was all too much to bear. my usually positive outlook on life diminished, and it was hard for me to even smile. more than once i asked myself, what the hell is wrong with me?
the one thing that made me feel better was beer. i not only loved the taste but the effect it had on my mental faculties. i was able to alter my mindset with alcohol. getting drunk felt so good. i was depressed. it was april and the school year was far from over but i wanted to quit everything i was involved with. EVERYTHING. i hated it all so much. but i couldn't quit. i was stuck. everyone relied on me. my dance team would've fallen apart earlier since i was on a lot of the routines (plus i looked damn good in each of them). i was the head director of the teens branch of champs and was holding together the entire organization. i had staff responsibilities and also two acting roles in korean culture night cuz there weren't enough guys trying out for parts. i was the only one at the hs where i worked at that could do the job. everyone needed me. and yet because of the circumstances of each situation, i never felt appreciated in anything and felt stuck. the weight of the world was on my shoulders and my only friend that understood all my problems was alcohol.
things didn't end so well, but they ended. despite my best efforts to bring things together my dance team is gone. korean culture night wasn't nearly as good this year. champs, however, is the one bright spot that picked up and stayed strong.
i'm done with it all. just the fact that i'm still in la means people from these things i was invovled with still call me up and ask me to come out but a part of me doesnt wanna. everything from that year left a bad taste in my mouth and i want to forget it all. i actually never cursed in my life until i started to develop a foul mouth that year. that's how pissed off i was. fuck.
it's over though.
only the sweet taste of beer remains.