Bible study in plain language: Matthew 19: 16-21
(16) Just then Mitt Romney came up to Jesus and said, “Rabbi, what good deed should I do to earn eternal life?”
(17) and Jesus didst snark, saying to him, “What am I, God's page boy? Go ask God if you really don't know how to be good. But since you came all this way to ask, I'll put on my Teacher Voice and say that if you want to get into that life, you must Keep the Commandments.”
(18) The rich man asked him, “Which ones?”
Jesus: *headdesk* “What do you mean, 'which ones'? All of them! Need me to sum up? Don't do shit you know is wrong, (19) listen to your moms, and you must love your neighbor as yourself. Sound familiar?”
(20) The man said to him, “Sweet! I totally already do all that. I even tithe 10% to the Church like I'm s'posed toDEU 14:22-23. So ... so I get into heaven, right?”
(21) And Jesus didst perceive that this man still wast not getting it, and said to him, “Oh, one more thing. First go sell all your possessions and give the money to the destitute, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come back and follow me.” (22) But hearing this the rich man went away sad.
(23)Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Yo, it will be hard for a rich person to get into the Kingdom of Heaven. (24) Seriously, the chances are so slim they're anorexic. Because citizenship in the Kingdom of Heaven cannot be bought, nor earned. ”
(25)When the disciples heard this, they were disheartened and said, “Dude, you just nerdraged at the Pharisees about how you can't inherit your way in, and now you say that you can't buy your way in, and you can't earn your way in either. So who, then, can be saved?”
(26)Jesus gave them The Look and said, "What is impossible for people is possible with God.”
(27)Then Peter, thick as the rock for which he was nicknamed, said to him, “But hey! *We* have left everything and followed you. We're totally better than that guy. So ... what do we get?”
(28) And Jesus didst perform a facepalm, after which he patted Peter on the head and said, "You get to give out free bikes, Pete. Indeed, anyone who gives up privilege for the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven will be well rewarded."
(17) and Jesus didst snark, saying to him, “What am I, God's page boy? Go ask God if you really don't know how to be good. But since you came all this way to ask, I'll put on my Teacher Voice and say that if you want to get into that life, you must Keep the Commandments.”
(18) The rich man asked him, “Which ones?”
Jesus: *headdesk* “What do you mean, 'which ones'? All of them! Need me to sum up? Don't do shit you know is wrong, (19) listen to your moms, and you must love your neighbor as yourself. Sound familiar?”
(20) The man said to him, “Sweet! I totally already do all that. I even tithe 10% to the Church like I'm s'posed toDEU 14:22-23. So ... so I get into heaven, right?”
(21) And Jesus didst perceive that this man still wast not getting it, and said to him, “Oh, one more thing. First go sell all your possessions and give the money to the destitute, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come back and follow me.” (22) But hearing this the rich man went away sad.
(23)Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Yo, it will be hard for a rich person to get into the Kingdom of Heaven. (24) Seriously, the chances are so slim they're anorexic. Because citizenship in the Kingdom of Heaven cannot be bought, nor earned. ”
(25)When the disciples heard this, they were disheartened and said, “Dude, you just nerdraged at the Pharisees about how you can't inherit your way in, and now you say that you can't buy your way in, and you can't earn your way in either. So who, then, can be saved?”
(26)Jesus gave them The Look and said, "What is impossible for people is possible with God.”
(27)Then Peter, thick as the rock for which he was nicknamed, said to him, “But hey! *We* have left everything and followed you. We're totally better than that guy. So ... what do we get?”
(28) And Jesus didst perform a facepalm, after which he patted Peter on the head and said, "You get to give out free bikes, Pete. Indeed, anyone who gives up privilege for the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven will be well rewarded."