what if?
So i haven't written in here in a very long time. almost too long to count. but i've been thinking about stuff lately.
i've been wondering about the choices i've made in life, and about the choices i'm continueing to make. how do i know that i'm making the right decisions about stuff? i've been thinking about a lot of what if stuff, and i know that's probably not good for my psychy or whatever but i like to imagine shit. that's where i used to come up with all of my great stories, when i used to want to be a writer.
what if i had dated chris bialko? what if my parents didn't get a divorce? what if my dad never got diabetes? would he have still been abusive? what if i didn't work at cedar point? or lenny's? or mcdonald's? what if i did go to a good college? what if i had gotten into some bad shit with bridgette? like being a whore and such? what if i didn't get with mike? what if i cheated on him? what if i didn't just say to jenn that i didn't want to be friends? but what if i wasn't there for bridgette or jenn when they had their babies? what if?whatif?whatif?
i dunno. i just have a lot running through my head.
we almost thought that my mom had cancer. she had to get a cat scan because of all the pain she's in. she has three cysts on her female region. two in her ovaries and one that ruptured on her cervix. luckily nothing came back negative on the tests. the doc said that the one on her cervix is draining, so she'll have an "extended" like period until it shrivels. i just hope it doesn't lead to an infection....so i've been kinda panicing in my head about that lately. but i didn't tell anyone just how worried i was.
i guess the other thing i was worrying about was jenn p. she texted me that she tried x.then i read on her lj that she tried it a few more times and i got a little mad. but i honestly don't know why. and i don't think that i even got mad or angry, i think that i was just sad. heh, i've seen mike's brother go through his withdrawls then he would go back on drugs. but it all started with pot. and josh (mike's brother) did x, then acid, and eventually got worse so that now he's anorexic (literally) with diabetes and still doing heroin.
and i just didn't want to see that happen to a good friend of mine. so i told jenn in essence that i didn't want to be friends anymore. i guess that i didn't want to see that type of spiral with her. and i could tell her till i'm blue in the face that "drugs are bad man" but she wouldn't listen. that's just the way she is, won't listen to anyone. and i knew that all along that she was like that. but maybe it's better that she makes her own mistakes. i just want to sit back until she's done with that.
i did that with bridgette too though. i wasn't always the greatest bestest friends with her like i make it seem. there was quite a few years, yes years, when i didn't speak to her because she was kinda being a whore..to put it lightly. sorry bridgette! but she was with so many different guys and having so much sex, that i didn't want to get into that. so i didn't see her for a long time. but when she was done messing around she called me out of the blue and told me she was in a steady relationship and had calmed down.
maybe that will happen with me and jenn? maybe not. just another what if situation.
my sister want her "internet" boyfriend to move in. and my mom said yes. so i think that pretty soon mike and i are going to move out. hopefully i can buy a car first though.
heh, well that's my randomness for now.
i've been wondering about the choices i've made in life, and about the choices i'm continueing to make. how do i know that i'm making the right decisions about stuff? i've been thinking about a lot of what if stuff, and i know that's probably not good for my psychy or whatever but i like to imagine shit. that's where i used to come up with all of my great stories, when i used to want to be a writer.
what if i had dated chris bialko? what if my parents didn't get a divorce? what if my dad never got diabetes? would he have still been abusive? what if i didn't work at cedar point? or lenny's? or mcdonald's? what if i did go to a good college? what if i had gotten into some bad shit with bridgette? like being a whore and such? what if i didn't get with mike? what if i cheated on him? what if i didn't just say to jenn that i didn't want to be friends? but what if i wasn't there for bridgette or jenn when they had their babies? what if?whatif?whatif?
i dunno. i just have a lot running through my head.
we almost thought that my mom had cancer. she had to get a cat scan because of all the pain she's in. she has three cysts on her female region. two in her ovaries and one that ruptured on her cervix. luckily nothing came back negative on the tests. the doc said that the one on her cervix is draining, so she'll have an "extended" like period until it shrivels. i just hope it doesn't lead to an infection....so i've been kinda panicing in my head about that lately. but i didn't tell anyone just how worried i was.
i guess the other thing i was worrying about was jenn p. she texted me that she tried x.then i read on her lj that she tried it a few more times and i got a little mad. but i honestly don't know why. and i don't think that i even got mad or angry, i think that i was just sad. heh, i've seen mike's brother go through his withdrawls then he would go back on drugs. but it all started with pot. and josh (mike's brother) did x, then acid, and eventually got worse so that now he's anorexic (literally) with diabetes and still doing heroin.
and i just didn't want to see that happen to a good friend of mine. so i told jenn in essence that i didn't want to be friends anymore. i guess that i didn't want to see that type of spiral with her. and i could tell her till i'm blue in the face that "drugs are bad man" but she wouldn't listen. that's just the way she is, won't listen to anyone. and i knew that all along that she was like that. but maybe it's better that she makes her own mistakes. i just want to sit back until she's done with that.
i did that with bridgette too though. i wasn't always the greatest bestest friends with her like i make it seem. there was quite a few years, yes years, when i didn't speak to her because she was kinda being a whore..to put it lightly. sorry bridgette! but she was with so many different guys and having so much sex, that i didn't want to get into that. so i didn't see her for a long time. but when she was done messing around she called me out of the blue and told me she was in a steady relationship and had calmed down.
maybe that will happen with me and jenn? maybe not. just another what if situation.
my sister want her "internet" boyfriend to move in. and my mom said yes. so i think that pretty soon mike and i are going to move out. hopefully i can buy a car first though.
heh, well that's my randomness for now.