Old Journal Entries
I went through my first few months of LiveJournal entries this morning. This was the spring semester of my freshman year at UPS and the following summer. Not a whole lot of interesting stuff there as it is littered with quiz results and memes. However, there was some fascinating stuff I found like the entries surround my cat dying, a memory that I still hold close even though it has now been almost 7 years. Another post that jumped out at me was a private post I made after meeting a particular person. I'm going to repost the interesting paragraph here with some details taken out. No one who reads this knows the person I am talking about, but it can't hurt to take precautions.
I feel I should point out something about *****. He's a great guy who has done nothing but be incredibly nice to me but yesterday when I went to go see him about (redacted), I sort of wished that wasn't the case. ***** is different from a family friend back home who is so incredibly nice in a patronizing way which makes this friend easy to say no to. *****, on the other hand, is simply too likable (please tell me I'm not the only person who knows people like this). I wanted to avoid all the small chit chat so I could talk business, I wanted to express my gratitude for all he has done for me without feeling like a fraud for not being as cheerful as him, I wanted to say goodbye once and walk away. Instead we said goodbye about 10 times before I got out the door with a smile on my face that I was glad to wipe away once I knew he couldn't see it. I wondered briefly as I felt this way if my aversion from over-happiness was just an excuse to not get close to yet another person; I wanted to hate him - just a little. I wanted to see him do something mean or irresponsible so I could walk away without guilt. My friends back are the exact opposite, they have become so easy to say no to. I feel like I've reached my terrible two's saying "no" just because I can and because it feels good to see them disappointed by my decision.
Wow. I can't believe how incredibly anti-social I was. I'm glad I've grown up past this - at least a little. I still dislike social formalities and over-politeness, but not to the point of hating people for it like I clearly was doing back then.
I feel I should point out something about *****. He's a great guy who has done nothing but be incredibly nice to me but yesterday when I went to go see him about (redacted), I sort of wished that wasn't the case. ***** is different from a family friend back home who is so incredibly nice in a patronizing way which makes this friend easy to say no to. *****, on the other hand, is simply too likable (please tell me I'm not the only person who knows people like this). I wanted to avoid all the small chit chat so I could talk business, I wanted to express my gratitude for all he has done for me without feeling like a fraud for not being as cheerful as him, I wanted to say goodbye once and walk away. Instead we said goodbye about 10 times before I got out the door with a smile on my face that I was glad to wipe away once I knew he couldn't see it. I wondered briefly as I felt this way if my aversion from over-happiness was just an excuse to not get close to yet another person; I wanted to hate him - just a little. I wanted to see him do something mean or irresponsible so I could walk away without guilt. My friends back are the exact opposite, they have become so easy to say no to. I feel like I've reached my terrible two's saying "no" just because I can and because it feels good to see them disappointed by my decision.
Wow. I can't believe how incredibly anti-social I was. I'm glad I've grown up past this - at least a little. I still dislike social formalities and over-politeness, but not to the point of hating people for it like I clearly was doing back then.