(no subject)
Alone, we'll im never really alone, there are always people around me. But nobody i really want to talk to. Im turning into an emotional blackhole. There is a void in what used to be something innocent. Sure wearing my heart on my sleeve was unattractive but hey, at least it was honest. Now I'm starting to show less enthusiasm for anything. Anything I put my heart or any heavy feelings in to lately has just made me feel more empty. I know i want to scream, or sing, or cry, or laugh, or get angry but instead i just have a blank stare because i truthfully have no idea what i really feel.
I'm still stuck here north of vegas. I've spent the last 2 weeks without leaving a 100 foot radius of this command post(tent). Cabin fever doesnt begin to describe it. The worst part is I don't have anything to look forward to going home to.
It's been a full year now and I'm still lost when it comes to being single. I don't want another girlfriend, oh though i've tried. But that companionship is something I crave.... The perfectness of a long relationship with true understanding. I must be too lazy to put the time into cultivating a new relationship, OR i cant seem to let go of the one i had. Sure i still think about her everyday but i'm not jealous by any means, I don't wonder what she's doing without me. I never get angry thinking what i could have, would have, or should have done. I just don't know. There was one time I thought I found somebody else to spend all of my extra time, care, thought, money on. But that was a one way road. I must have known that she was impossible to harness. Thats probably one of the main reasons I even bothered trying. She's truly an amazing and unique individual but obviously not right for me. As much as I despise it, I guess my best bet is to just continue living and work on being a better person/boyfriend/husband(eventually) by myself. If confusion is healthy than I am one fit guy.
Isn't it nice being old enough to make decisions yet young enough to have no idea whats going to happen.
Till next time,
KC
I'm still stuck here north of vegas. I've spent the last 2 weeks without leaving a 100 foot radius of this command post(tent). Cabin fever doesnt begin to describe it. The worst part is I don't have anything to look forward to going home to.
It's been a full year now and I'm still lost when it comes to being single. I don't want another girlfriend, oh though i've tried. But that companionship is something I crave.... The perfectness of a long relationship with true understanding. I must be too lazy to put the time into cultivating a new relationship, OR i cant seem to let go of the one i had. Sure i still think about her everyday but i'm not jealous by any means, I don't wonder what she's doing without me. I never get angry thinking what i could have, would have, or should have done. I just don't know. There was one time I thought I found somebody else to spend all of my extra time, care, thought, money on. But that was a one way road. I must have known that she was impossible to harness. Thats probably one of the main reasons I even bothered trying. She's truly an amazing and unique individual but obviously not right for me. As much as I despise it, I guess my best bet is to just continue living and work on being a better person/boyfriend/husband(eventually) by myself. If confusion is healthy than I am one fit guy.
Isn't it nice being old enough to make decisions yet young enough to have no idea whats going to happen.
Till next time,
KC