11months till xmas
just got back from seeing alex again. i smell like him now. ahhhhh.
so we talked for like, 45mins and i asked him how he wanted me to act around him at root and he said, 'come and talk to me' so i guess i will. and i finally asked him if he had a girlfriend, and he said that either he didn't, or he was a really bad boyfriend. so i told him to answer me straight or i would cry and he laughed and said he no, he didn't havea girlfriend. phew!
but our meeting tonight had a different tone. it was more sombre and less romantic. i wanted not necessarily romance, but i wanted to talk to him about...something to do with US, other than just bad stuff, ya know? so when it came to 7.50 and i had to leave, he gave me a weak hug, and i was so scared he was just going to leave me with nothing, i started shaking.
yeah, it had also started snowing by this point so i guess that contributed to the involuntary shivers. haha.
so he smiles and kinda laughs but in the i-dont-wanna-laugh-but-i-will-cuz-im-so-embarrassed way. then he says, 'no, i cant keep doing this to you.'
me: why not? whats wrong?
alex: its just not fair on you.
me: doesnt seem like such a bad deal.
then we make out for....idk....ten minutes?
me: do you want to stop doing this? do you think its bad?
alex: i just...i dunno.
me: do you think this will just fizzle out or something?
alex: no, its not that, its just...i dunno.
sometimes, he is sooo articulate.
then he sits down on the bench and looks down and the ground and still holds my hands.
me: what is it?
alex: you know i dont want to stop doing this, right?
me: well, now i do...
alex: its just that, i dont think its really fair to you, if nothing keeps happening.
pause
alex: come here
we hug, then he takes hold of my hands and stands up.
me: well alex, ive never been this close to anyone at root before, and never...done THIS with anyone at root before, so...its a whole new experience for me. and you know that i wanna be with you, but i mean, this is the next best thing. but if you wanna stop, then i can understand.
alex: no.
pause. then alex hugs me really tight and kisses me again. this process takes a while. then my fone rings and moms voice is on the other line, saying that its 8.15 and i should be home now. kissing for 25mins...woah.
so im a bit confused. I ALWAYS COME OUT CONFUSED FROM THESE SITUATIONS!!!! i honestly dont remember clearly grrrr what a bummer. more later, when ive collected my thoughts.
so we talked for like, 45mins and i asked him how he wanted me to act around him at root and he said, 'come and talk to me' so i guess i will. and i finally asked him if he had a girlfriend, and he said that either he didn't, or he was a really bad boyfriend. so i told him to answer me straight or i would cry and he laughed and said he no, he didn't havea girlfriend. phew!
but our meeting tonight had a different tone. it was more sombre and less romantic. i wanted not necessarily romance, but i wanted to talk to him about...something to do with US, other than just bad stuff, ya know? so when it came to 7.50 and i had to leave, he gave me a weak hug, and i was so scared he was just going to leave me with nothing, i started shaking.
yeah, it had also started snowing by this point so i guess that contributed to the involuntary shivers. haha.
so he smiles and kinda laughs but in the i-dont-wanna-laugh-but-i-will-cuz-im-so-embarrassed way. then he says, 'no, i cant keep doing this to you.'
me: why not? whats wrong?
alex: its just not fair on you.
me: doesnt seem like such a bad deal.
then we make out for....idk....ten minutes?
me: do you want to stop doing this? do you think its bad?
alex: i just...i dunno.
me: do you think this will just fizzle out or something?
alex: no, its not that, its just...i dunno.
sometimes, he is sooo articulate.
then he sits down on the bench and looks down and the ground and still holds my hands.
me: what is it?
alex: you know i dont want to stop doing this, right?
me: well, now i do...
alex: its just that, i dont think its really fair to you, if nothing keeps happening.
pause
alex: come here
we hug, then he takes hold of my hands and stands up.
me: well alex, ive never been this close to anyone at root before, and never...done THIS with anyone at root before, so...its a whole new experience for me. and you know that i wanna be with you, but i mean, this is the next best thing. but if you wanna stop, then i can understand.
alex: no.
pause. then alex hugs me really tight and kisses me again. this process takes a while. then my fone rings and moms voice is on the other line, saying that its 8.15 and i should be home now. kissing for 25mins...woah.
so im a bit confused. I ALWAYS COME OUT CONFUSED FROM THESE SITUATIONS!!!! i honestly dont remember clearly grrrr what a bummer. more later, when ive collected my thoughts.