ahh
wow, its been three months since i last updated. its kind of weird to me. this is still the outlet for me that i can go to to voice whatever is on my mind regardless of what it may be. i have to dance around my words or neglect them completely in facebook or myspace. yet i only come here when there isnt anything going on in the others and most of the time i just come on here to read what i wrote about in the past. its kind of amazing just how much you remember about your past when you read a journal. the specific events which led to an entry. even the entries that were kind of off kilter with the rest of the thinking world i still catch on to all of my references which i had made.i went through a lot of shit in high school. i am sure a lot of people went through more, but i am certain that the whole process of my development was wraught with different trial and tribulations, the combination of which had never been axperienced by a single other human being. and i am glad to have experienced it. all of the head games i played with myself. the ones i tried to play on other people. the constant battle between what i thought i could see in people, what i thought i didnt see in people, and what people actually felt and didnt feel. i probably dont need to point this out, but that previous statement was predominantly about the females i interacted with in high school. i dont have to say this, but i am going to anyways, this is my live journal no matter how unused it may be: i didnt have all that great of luck when it came to women in high school. i imagine that a lot of it was based on me. i was antisocial for a good part of high school, and once i broke through that shell it took forever to recover. i was thinking the other day and i do believe that it took about a year and a half to mentally recover from my suicide attempt and to begin the whole restructure of who i am and who i wanted to be perceived to be. that is an extremely big portion of your life when you spend only four in the high school. i think that i finally reached a level of normal character tweaking around mid-senior year, but all the while i was trying to form relationships. i wasnt ready for them. i came across as emotionally unattached and behaviorally inadequete to be someone's "boyfriend." then by the time that i reached a level mentally where i was ready to seriously enter a relationship, senior year was ending and nobody was looking to start anything serious because they would all be leaving in a couple monthes (like any relationship around here lasts that long to begin with). but still, this rejection (and utter destruction of ego) helped me. so then i went into college. and then i met julie. its kind of crazy that among the thousands of people that are involved in the ub system, i would find julie. she is amazing and i hope that i never hurt her in any way. her and i are similar but are different enough to keep things interesting. its already been two months, its the second longest relationship i have ever had and is still going strong. we have met each of the parents and they seem to approve of their childs current semi-significant other. and we are going back to school in about a week. so then we can see each other as often as we want which will be a welcome change of pace after this escrutiatingly long vacation... well i think thats enough to get me to bed now. good night.