in line with the thought
well i havent updated here in forever, mostly because of myspace. when i started that thing, that was going to be my happy blog, and this was going to be my blog that confused people. well i havent had the feelings of "i just have to get this off of my chest" in a really long time. i guess i was content with the way things were heading, in all facets of life for a while there things were headed in a positive direction. always moving up. but it has recently become stagnant. unmoving. and just when i really wanted things to move forward. this year was the first year in which i wanted to have someone to be with at midnight on new years. and the biggest kick in the gut is that the person who i most wanted to do this with was the very first person i saw in 2006. the first person who i said "happy new year" to. the first person to laugh at me. the first person to laugh with me. the thing is that i think she knows. but i still have doubt. lots of doubt. doubt as a result of fear. fear for what would happen if i was to be forward about it. fear that things would change. for the worse. and if things were to progress? there is still a stinging fear. and this one mightr be holding me back even more. a fear that i might not be able to treat her right. the way she deserves to be treated. i dont think i possess the ability to make a person feel loved. no matter how much i burn on the inside. i cannot express my strongest feelings. love, hate, anger, sadness, they are all lost in the transition between my skull and my mouth. most people cry when really upset, when really angry, when really happy. i dont. i dont think i cried more than 5 or 6 times in all of 2005. most people do that in a month... a week. and this also goes into my ability to make someone feel loved, i wouldnt feel an impact for flowers, so what would she? because she does. i know this, she does, but would it be the same if i give it to her and the love (which is there) doesnt show? i can think of all the things in the world to say, run them through my head a thousand times (and believe me, new years i was thinking of how, because i knew how the morning would work) but if i dont say them, how does she know? i can think "when i look into your eyes i feel as if the world could end and i wouldnt care" but i dont think i would be able to say that with the heart that i hear it in my head. that you hear it in your head as you are reading this. i would fall over my tongue and then the moment would be lost. instead of making her feel special, she would most likely become confused. and that scares me the most, that i couldnt make her feel the way she deserves to feel and we would grow apart... like all the others.