I've vowed to be more real.
I watched Titanic last night for the first time in probably ten years. I'm not sure what made me think I would like it. It's aweful. Absolutely aweful. And horribly beautiful.
I can never just BE because even when I think I'm doing that, something is changing. I'm thinking and realizing and discovering and longing and time keeps going, and there is no center to time. Even if we could find the very moment the world began and the very moment we are in right now and then find the very center, by the time we found the center the center would change, because time didn't stop for us to find it's center. Time can't stand still. It can't just be. And neither can I. I'm always becoming. I never just am. Even when I just sit and think, things are changing and shifting inside of me; I'm becoming. I'm not the same. I'm never just there, in a moment, ever. Which is kind of overwhelming and a little exhausting to think about. Even when I sleep, I wake up different than when I layed down the night before. I wake up with immediate thoughts in my head, as though I never took that 7 hour time-out. Something was happening while I was sleeping. More than ever I am convinced of the changes that take place, be in the spiritual or the natural realm, while I am sleeping.
I wonder what other people see.
When they look at a map, a father hand-in-hand with his child, a field of sunflowers, what do they see? The only world I know is the one I see, and who's to say that's not incredible innacurate or naive or downright wrong. But it's so real to me; my world is the world. That alone is incredibly naive.
Is the world more bad than good or more good than bad? Which is winning? Depending on where I stand, it seems to change; it's hard to tell. Perspective changes a lot. But sometimes it seems that it's the "bad" people who are so compelled to action while all the many "good' people sit back and be "good" without actually doing anything with it. Myself included. The more I get into thoughts and reasoning and understanding, the less I seem to see the whole world and the more I see my own.
Last night I had a moment in which I saw and felt the accumulation of all that I am and all that I've been pressing into one great thing. It was either going to be a devastating disaster or an incredible masterpiece.
I'm trying my best to hold out for the masterpiece, even in the moments when I feel the disaster would be much easier to succumb to.
and these are a few of my saturday "homecoming" morning thoughts.
off to the game!