I sit stunned, and receive.
I've given up trying to understand everything. I can't understand it all. Sometimes I think that's God's way of protecting me.
I'm blown away by how accutely He sees me. By the way He has responded and is responding me. By the way He's made it so clear that I can trust Him with my needs. I don't have to worry about my future. I don't have to know what my life is going to look like in three months, much less three years...or ever... I know He sees me. I know He knows me. I know He's shaping me, molding me, transforming me. I'll live my life to be transformed into the very person He desires me to be so I can live the very life He desires me to live, fullfilling every dream He has for me, every purpose, every desire. I've realized it's not so much about my heart at all. It's all about His heart.
And I'm floored by how when He sees me, He doesn't just see my need, but He sees my want. He sees the things, even those things that are earthly and unnecessary, and He responds to them. I'm overwhelmed. I'm awed. I don't know how to give it back.. other than to hand Him my life, every last part of it, and go with Him wherever He takes it.
I'm reminded again and again that this life is not my own, and yet I'm amazed by just how willing He is to let me live it. And the thing is, He loves to watch me live it! He loves to see the depths of the joy within me over silly things and worthy things. He loves to see the rediculous creativity welling up and stirring within me and then He loves to see me LET IT OUT! It's so beautiful to Him despite its imperfections, its lacking..
The truth is, I've never felt qualified. Ever. I don't think I've ever done something and thought "yes, I'm good enough to be doing this. I'm good enough for this." When I was a runner I never thought I was good enough. I could win races, break records, hold medals and trophies and I never thought I was good enough. In my writing classes I could receive praise, be told I had a gift, a talent, and never once could I hold on to that and say "yes, you're right, I do, I'm good enough to do this." And I've realized I've done the same thing with God. I've never felt qualified enough, equipped enough.
Two weeks ago a woman I had never met before appraoched me in a meeting and asked to pray for me. She prayed, asked me if I played the piano, I wept...
and she grabbed my hands and she said "honey, God wants you to know that you are not unqualified. He's putting songs in your heart, songs to bring before His throne, songs to minister to His heart...and you are not unqualified. You are not unqualified..."
That word answered a question I've been bringing to Him in my heart for some time now, a question I couldn't seem to shake, connected to something deep inside of me.. Why is it that when I play the piano I feel like this is it, this is what I was born to do... or when I'm surrounded by unbelievers, or when I'm connecting one-on-one with someone who doesn't know Jesus, or when it's just me and Him in a room with no concept of time or place or...anything...or when I'm painting or gluing things together or looking at photography or artwork..those things make me come alive..they stir something inside of me that says yes, this is it.
and I've never felt like I'm good enough. I'm not "good" at piano. I just play. But it's a part of me. As though it knows me way more than I'll ever know it. I don't have to work for it, it just happens. I've found that to be true of most of the things that make me come alive.. they just happen. I put myself in the situation, and then He works it out. He makes it happen.
I need to know that I'm qualified. I need to know that I'm good enough. It's in me to work hard. My dad taught me that. High school taught me that. Success taught me that. But for the things God is calling me to I need to know that no matter where I am, no matter what I'm doing, I'm good enough. I don't have to have the greatest ability so long as I am available. And that I am. I am available. I would go anywhere. God, I would go anywhere. I would do absolutely anything. I really mean that. This life is absolutely nothing without Him. I cannot claim to call it my own. I cannot form my own steps. I am helpless without Him. Hopeless. I try to think back over the last eight years and figure out how this happened. I try to understand why He's taken me through what He has, why I've experienced what I have, why all these things are inside me the way they are...but I can't understand. And I don't need to. I just need to know that He's got me. I need to know that He's never going to leave me hanging...that He's never going to let me down. If I know those things, it doesn't matter what happens. It doesn't matter what hits me, what knocks me over, what threatens to devour my heart or my flesh..
I do know He has me. I know He's on my side. I know He loves me more than I could ever imagine loving Him. I know He wants me to walk in my destiny even more than I want it. I know He's got me. And I know that when He looks at me yes, He sees my flaws..He sees the things that need to be worked on, the things that need to be broken, but He also sees me as "good enough". I'm good enough for Him. I'm qualified. I don't have to be perfect...I'm not perfect, but I'm qualified.. for what He has called me to, I am enough.
p.s. someone from church who wished to remain anonymous to me gave me a brand new digital camera today via one of my roommates. I've been quietly pining for my old camera, which broke after this summer, more and more these past two weeks. I want to remember these last three months at Brockport. I want to capture it all. I want to search out the beauty here, and capture it..
It's beautiful.. way better than anything I could afford or even think of getting right now. I didn't know what do say, what to do, how to fully absorb all that God was trying to say to me as I sat stunned, and received.
<3.