lover.
It's a good feeling knowing you're where you're supposed to be.
Last night I reminded God how much time I have left here before I head back to Brockport. I reminded Him, just in case it may have slipped His mind, that in four weeks I head back to the world I've come to love for my last semester with the people I've cared for, the place I've broken for, the buildings I've found myself in, the fields I've lost myself in. And I reminded Him that for my last semester there I want more than anything to be whole. I want more than anything to be able to fullfill every last dream He has for my life, in me, around me and through me in that town, that school, that church, those relationships, that season, that segment of this crazy thing we deem life.
It will be different, that's for sure. But I'm not done there. As much as God is moving me out of Brockport, and now more than ever I know that I know that I know that He is, I still have one more semester. And that semester isn't without purpose. I'll find His heart there once again. I must find His heart there once again.
I'm excited beyond words for what's coming next. But my heart disturbs me and aches for the people I may never see again. Ever. I'm not okay with that. A lot can happen in a semester. I need to be ready to move when I get back. There's not enough time to waste even a portion of it.
I've learned that the greatest thing I could ever give this world is my love. I can't fix every broken heart. I can't feed every starving body or soul. I can't exchange every unfair life for a new life full of hope and worth. But I can love. I can love them all. Every last one of them. Whether it's by wrapping my arms around them and stroking their hair, by holding their hands in a bathroom while the tears flow and the hurt comes flooding out, by making peanut butter sandwiches to hand out on the streets of NYC, by sending letters to encourage, by smiling into every eye that will meet mine.
Last semester while I was sitting in a corner in the student union talking to God, watching swarms of students walk by, I asked Him to allow me to feel His heart for them at that moment. When I asked that I expected to feel the tangible pains in my chest that I'd experienced so often when crying out for people and places. What He gave me surprised me. I felt this overwhelming love begin to well up from the pit of my stomach, overtaking the place where my own soul must reside, covering over every thought and emotion of my own. And suddenly I wanted to love them all. Every last one of them. I wanted to somehow jump up and hug them all in one instant and splash sloppy love all over them in any way I possibly could. I was on my way to meet my friend Amy, who is about as opposite of me in the belief category as anyone could be, for coffee and when I met up with her I couldn't stop smiling. My heart was literally burning with this extreme love I had never felt before. Sitting there in the little coffee shop on campus, I told her all about what I had asked God and how He responded and she sat back and said "Alright then, love these people." Her eyes flickered across every person in the cafe and mine followed. I smiled and told her she was in this with me, of course. So we bought every person in that cafe, I think there were 12 at the time, one of those little balls of chocolate, the amazingly rediculously delicious ones that melt in your mouth no matter what the air temperature happens to be. Some of them looked at us like we were crazy as we handed them the chocolates, smiled and said "we just hope you have the most incredible day you've had all year". And you know, maybe it is silly. But it changed my mind set. I want to be able to love however I can wherever I am whoever the people are no matter what's going on in me or around me. Love can't be dependent on the state of my own heart. It can't be dependent on circumstance. It has to be a part of my life. Always. I need to give it, to drip with it, to spill it all over the place, always.
"We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home." jamie. twloha.