Ugh
I am getting down again. And I don't know why. I never know why. Everything seems to be going great. I mean its not like I really could complain. Yet I feel like I am getting depressed again. MY heads hurting a lot more often and I am sleeping a lot more. I could prolly sleep all day long if I could. I don't wanna do anything and all I wanna do is be alone. I mean I want Caleb around and I miss him tonight since we didn't get to see eachother today but I just want to be alone. I really didn't even feel like going to work today. I haven't really felt like going all week. All I wanna do is sleep. I don't know what to do and I fear that I am taking it out on Caleb a little bit. It's getting so bad in my head that I am beginning to fear that Caleb doesn't want me anymore and I know thats not true. Its just whats going on in my head. And I keep asking him questions to reassure myself... but I feel bad that he has to keep reassuring me. I don't know what to do, and its never something that I can snap out of. I feel like crap. I hate this so much. I don't wanna get this way... but it happens. Its like I have no control over any of it. I feel powerless and I don't know if he'll be understanding or get really mad at me, or upset or frustrated. I seem to be worrying more and more lately about my rent and bills and stuff. I am trying to work as much as I can and as hard as I can to make ends meet. I really don't like living paycheck to paycheck. I'm starting to feel like a failure. On top of that my mom keeps reminding me that I had such a better job... blah blah blah. But does she know that, that job was slowly killing me. She also wants me to change the date of my wedding to suit her. How is that fair. Yet I am worried about her because she's going in for surgery on Wednesday for what may be cancer. I am reall worried about that. So its not like I can come right out and say mom thats our original date, its a special day and I am not changing it. So many thoughts running around in my head and I can't talk about them to anyone. I feel so alone. But agai I am not alone bceause I have Caleb but I fear to talk to him about this stuff because one he's really busy and I don't want to bother him and for two I am scared that he's going to try and make a joke out of it. Not that I don't like his jokes but this is not something I joke about, this stuff is serious to me. my head feels like its about to explode. And on top of wanting to sleep all the time, I can't sleep very much how ironic is that. I just don't know what to do. All I wanna do is cry... :-(