Radio's in Heaven
Title: Radio's in Heaven
Bandom: Panic at the Disco
Ryan/Spencer (friendship only)
Rating: PG - implied suicide
Song: Radio's in Heaven - Plain White T's
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bq8BukMzXJg
Disclaimer: Not mine. Don't own anything including these pretty boys. Not real. Thank god!!
Beta: kittyroar_89
Your time has already come and I don't know why
The last thing that I had heard
you were doin' just fine
It had been a while since I last saw you. Even though it was your decision, the breakup of the band had hit you hard. And you hadn’t been doing well. But I thought you were better. I thought you were doing ok. This had been your dream, your baby, your life. And suddenly it was gone. But you said you were ok now. I believed you. I trusted you. Why couldn’t you trust me?
It seems like just yesterday
I was laughing with you
Playing games at Grandma's house
Remember right at the start, when it was just me and you? We spent just about every waking moment with each other. And then things got bad at home and you stayed over more often than not, and it was always the two of us. Our lives were intertwined, one and the same. What was mine was yours, what was yours was mine. We were brothers from the beginning, for as long as I can remember. Nobody could define us or how we were, it was something special. It was real, and it meant everything to me. I loved you. I still do. And I’ll never stop
Well you taught me well, didn't you?
I hope I'm just like you
I thought I knew. What was going on, what to do. Not knew everything, like some teenagers think, but just… more than I really did. You taught me so much. You taught me everything on a deeper level. You showed me, you guided me. You were everything to me. And I don’t know how I can make it without you by my side.
Do they have radios in heaven?
I hope they do
'Cause they're playing my song on the radio
And I'm singing it to you
Can you hear it, Ryan? The music, the people. No-one will ever forget you, Ryan. I hope you know that. And I hope you knew that. I hope you knew how much we all loved you. But I don’t think you realized. My fear is that you didn’t know how much I loved you. That you thought with the bands demise, our friendship was over. That we couldn’t be friends in the same way. No. I just thought maybe it would be good for us to lead our own lives for a bit, after leading the same for so long. But then you started changing and I knew you weren’t doing great, but I thought you needed to work it out in your own head and come back to me, like you knew I’d always be here. I never dreamt you would think our friendship and brotherhood was over.
You left before I had a chance to say goodbye
But that's the way life usually is
it just passes you by
But you can't hold on to regrets and you can't look back
So I'll just be thankful for the times that I had with you
I hope I'm just like you
I can’t stop thinking about it, Ryan. I can’t stop thinking about you. You’re everywhere and everything to me. I knew things were bad, but I didn’t realise how bad. I can’t help blaming myself. I know I shouldn’t, I know you would never want me to. I know you’d say it was your choice and you’d probably bitch at me for being self-centered, but for so long we co-existed that your choices feel like mine, your thoughts were mine and we needed each other to stand up. Maybe if things had been different, if I had been different… you’d still be here. And I wonder how you’d react if you were in my situation. But I know you never will be. And I’m glad. I wouldn’t want you to go through this. But I can’t keep blaming myself. I can’t change things. I wish I could, more than anyone could ever know. But I can’t. And it’s killing me more and more every day. But I know you wouldn’t want that. So I’m trying Ryan. I really am. I’m trying to be like you. And I’m also trying not to be.
Do they have radios in heaven?
I hope they do
'Cause they're playing my song on the radio
And I'm singing it to you
If they don't have radios in heaven
here's what I'll do
I can bring my guitar when my time is up and I'll play it for you
I wish you could hear this. I wish I could really talk to you, not just write or think or sing. Not if it isn’t to your living, breathing face, rather than a photo or video. That’s all I’ve been doing lately. Looking at photos, watching videos. From the band, from before, from after. Everything from our time together and even before. I hope that, wherever you are, you can hear this. I’m trying my best Ryan. I’ll find a way, I’ll make sure you hear this, you get this. Wherever you are. I hope you’re watching over me. I know you are. I love you
Tell me can you hear me now
if not, then I can try to sing real loud
What's it like up on the other side of the clouds?
I hope I'm just like you
I hope I turn out to be as good as you
The music was everything to you. Some people thought it was more important to you than people, your friends and family. They didn't understand. Music was everything to you, and to you, your friends and family were the music. From the first song to your very last, it was all for them. And this one’s for you.
I love you Ryan. And I’ll never forget you. This one’s for you.
Love, Spencer